To think it's going to take me collapsing through exhaustion for everyone to see how much Im doing at home

[achot]

Not a mytr.. if i don't do it then no one will.

I actually hope i do collapse through burn out then i might be taken seriously

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I took a photograph of each room when it was clean and printed it out, alongside a list of all the jobs that were required to get the room to look like that. Stuck them on every door.
Each week everyone got a room ( as well as their bedroom) to keep tidy every day and a room to clean thoroughly once a week. We had a randomised spinner app.
Yes. Including the sen kids.

Appropriate consequences were agreed before hand for different levels of failure. Half assed wasnt good enough..

Everybody had consequences. That way everybody learned and no one would sort it later for them because "too tired" or "dont wanna"

No beer / wine etc was a good adult one. No friends round or devices a good kids one. But they had to agree before hand, themselves, even suggest something. That was weirdly the most important bit to them and the kids suggested far worse punishment than i would have.

The kitchen was 5 different jobs. Everyday everybody got just 1 every day.
That was always the trickiest room.

If you shared a bedroom then you did laundry one week and your bedroom the other, alternating. ( Really only the adults here but even that had to be seen to be fair.)

Seems complicated.. yes ish. And it only lasted a few months.
But everybody learned to do everything so excuses became much, much harder to make.

Oh and they policed each other, because anyone could get that badly done room next week. So even that wasnt all down to me. It was mostly a laugh, but with a few tantrums, and slightly more collective responsibility.

Yeah I had the fantasy about being in a minor to medium accident just yesterday. Just to be taken out of action for a while..

Was your husband always this lazy and incompetent. If he was, what on earth possessed you to keep hsving children with him? Surely you knew who he was after child 1, child 2, so why hsve a 3rd child?
Baffling.

When I went back to ft work the deal was everyone (including friends of DC who stayed more than 4 days) cleaned the home on Fridays after work. Dinner was not served until whole house was done. It took between 90mins to 2hours max. Laundry (me) and kitchen evenings (DH) during the week.

You're letting them get away with it.

Your husband has a crap excuse. And your kids don't seem to do anything in the house.

But also im not sure but it seems you have a compulsion. In that you can't let things go.

You need to sit down and divide the chores.

Some.of the stuff you're doing will have to stop- e.g. Windows etc

And just let them get on with it.

If you get the kids doing their own stuff etc.g. laundry they will be faced with the consequences of not doing it.

Won't be easy as they are uses to you doing it. But it won't change if you just let it carry on.

This also sounds good.

No food until the chores are done

I said in the post I made we only did it for a few months.
Oddly though I am currently injured/ immobile and the house is clean, meals are cooked and laundry is done without me. (Although we are all a few years older now.)

LTB seriously. Then your home would be cleaner and calmer. You’d also get a break when your children would be with your dad.

OP in your position, seriously, I would go and stay with my parents for a month. Sleep on their sofa if necessary. I’d tell my husband I am reaching the point of physical and mental breakdown because he and your children are treating you like a servant and therefore, for one month, he is going to have to provide support for the family. It is not even as much as you do for the other 11 months as you are not there to add to his workload (as he does to yours). After 1 month you will reassess if you are well enough to return. Then I’d just go. Your children won’t die of neglect in 1 month. If stuff gets missed so be it, it’s the price of your health. Switch your phone off and tell them to call your mum and dad if there is an emergency.
Hopefully he will realise just how much you do when he needs to do it himself and will be begging you to return and promise all sorts of changes. The children will naturally start to pick up stuff as he won’t do it for them like you do. Personally I don’t think anything else will work. As long as you are there, it will be left to you and blamed on you if it doesn’t happen.
p.s. And if the place is a disgraceful tip, walk back out and refuse to return until it is clean as you left it.

I took am wondering whether life would be better and easier without your husband.

No. It became more negotiated ...
But with each other rather than just me..

Yes, this.

I'm sorry.

And, without "goading", life without men and children is so much easier.

What benefit does your Adult DH bring to this set of circumstances?

I wouldn't want to remain in a relationship with a man who wasn't able to properly maintain a home or care for DC, especially if he was happy to watch me break my back doing it. Better to remove him and have one less person making a mess at home. Easier to establish rules and standards when the parent who refuses to enforce them is gone.

OP you'll have to face up to the fact he doesn't care if you're burnt out. If you 'collapsed' they'd realistically just carry on making a mess and wait for you to sort it once you were better. Something must change here for your sake and unfortunately you are going to have to be the one to action a change. Unfair - absolutely but you have to think of your longer term welfare.

Why are you managing all of the finances?

Op this is what happened to me. I did burn out and collapsed, nearly died, two weeks in hospital, couldn’t walk the length of a room when I got home. Nothing changed, OP. I’m in the process of LTB because it’s not going to improve. He would care if I died but he is more averse to helping than he is worried about me not being here.

So what does your husband do @achot ?

I'd get rid of this lazy, entitled man baby for a start.

Is he a mega earner and pays all the bills (in that case divorce him and ensure you get what you are entitled to)

Husband steps up or he leaves.

What directly affects you? Doctor, dentist for you and the kids. Cooking for the one who won’t eat. Food/money for the one who will (he buys food on the way home from school?).

Get up, leave the house, go to cafe/coffee shop, eat breakfast, work in the office, dinner in cafe on the way home. Make sure kids eat. That’s it.

If the food in the house runs out, buy what you and the kids need for one or two days.

We did similar when we all lived together before uni - Saturday afternoon, one in all in. Nothing planned until chores finished as well as everyone having weeknight chores.

I have 3 children, 2 have ASD and they are brilliant at doing chores but both my husband and I model it to them and we started them young.

There is only one thing for it, OP.

Save up. Book yourself into somewhere - anywhere, even a Premier Inn in the next town if necessary. Run the freezer contents and the food cupboards down to an absolute bare minimum, and arrange the laundry in such a way that there are practically no clean clothes left for anybody. Have the dishwasher stacked full of dirty unwashed dishes. Make sure all the bins are crammed full and need emptying. The very last toilet roll in the house should be half-used. Strip all the beds and put clean duvet covers and pillowcases on the beds ready for someone else to make them. If you have pets, book them into a kennel/cattery for the duration, and water your house plants.

Don't tell anyone your plans in advance, just casually announce it about an hour before you leave. Go away on your own for a week, have some well-earned rest, and keep your phone switched off.

On your return, yes it will be a shit tip, but no worse than it is every day anyway. It might just make your DH sit up and realise that household stuff does not happen by magic, young people need monitoring, and food does not walk from the shops, jump into the oven and cook itself.

I am currently working a 55 hour week. I am doing overtime as we need some extra money at the moment. STOP

I do all the housework - STOP

I wash and dry bedding/towels. STOP

I borrow the neighbours carpet cleaner twice a year to clean the carpets. STOP - this is insane.

I wash the windows outside (downstairs!) in the summer. STOP

I am constantly behind them turning the lights & heating off to save money. STOP

I close the kitchen down at the end of the day (clean, tidy, dishwasher on) - STOP

I empty the bin. STOP

I cajole DC to get up for school - STOP

Clean school shoes, have uniforms ready every day, STOP

xfer money to the eldest for when he walks home from school and goes via the shop with friends. STOP

I manage all finances - DH cannot be trusted to manage the money and if left it to him it would all go to shit. Everything is joint. STOP - have separate finances.

I do all the thinking/sorting/organising/planning - STOP unless it adversely affects the kids eg dentist.

I book the weekly food shop deliveries - all booked in advance to secure our preferred slots STOP

I put the fridge items away, using that time to throw out any out-of-date food and wipe the fridge inside. STOP

I put the bins out every week. STOP

….and we risk maggots (I cleaned them up one year) FFS STOP!

I also look after my elderly parents. okay, that’s a nice thing to do, but what exactly are you doing? Supporting them, or jumping every time they click their fingers? There is a massive difference!

I don’t have kids but burnt out after we took on a big renovation project. I had two weeks off work then was back to trying to do everything once more. Like you I often felt like if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done.

My DH and I argued a lot about it but we’re in a much better place now. We used the cards based on Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play to divide the tasks between us which means I no longer need to think about everything.

I also try to stay out of my husband’s areas and compromise; he has bins - if he choses not to put bags in the line the wastepaper baskets or he misses bin day that’s his problem to deal with later down the line. We only eat home cooked food but ping rice and simple meals in the week makes it easier so that’s what we have.

If you stop doing the less important stuff, it’ll either not get done or it’ll become so intolerable your DH or DS does it - either way, it lightens your load.

I agree with this.

The problem is how to apply the non negotiable routines and job list so that they actually take notice and do something.

The DH has set a horrible example to the kids.
They have seen him take no notice and so have decided they don't need to either.

Also if the OP is at the end of her tether, the sheer amount of energy it takes is overwhelming. When you finally round them all up to sit down and talk to people who will either not listen, say that you are nagging (implying unreasonable and not worth listening to) and that it doesn't need doing anyway and that you are making a fuss about nothing so nothing happens. They will also if they've been observing the DH/DP use counter arguments - "Well you do xyz!!!" and three male teens can make a lot of noise over talking. It could get very heated.

So I also agree with the previous poster saying OP needs to ask for help from GP and others to help her cope.

OP I actually think you have set up some really good routines already with the shopping etc But its not easy and its an uphill task communicating with people who've been taught not to listen.

Can you get DP to go and stay with relatives for a while? Having him and his personal mess out of the house would work and might shock your boys into listening to you. I also think it would be easier to gee them up without him there unless he sees a point in helping. His bad example has helped create this.

Other Ideas

VISUAL AIDS Take Photos.. of the worst of it. They cannot say.. "You are exaggerating or claim its not true. Maybe produce a list of the jobs you do in one column and the jobs they do in the other. Or do a chart of how much free time you have... and how much they have. A pic after you've just cleaned it, compared with one they've messed up

Talking to them in a cafe..ie not in the house where they are watching tV. They will all be sitting at a table.. at eye level., full attention they won't get food if they walk off..Make it lighthearted (even though you might feel like grinding your teeth) ie Don't make it miserable to have these talks, say to them I want to speak to you like the adults you are becoming.

eg. Maybe ask them how would they like to improve their room. What are their ideas for how it could be better. What's the first thing they'd do. (then Produce a picture of their room looking terrible and what's the first thing they'd do) Carrot rather than stick.
eg. Maybe produce a list of the jobs you do in one column and the jobs they do in the other (which won't be many) and ask them how would they reorganise to make it fairer.
I think the key is getting them to say what they think about a specific beef, and get them discussing it, get them to come up with a solution, rather than letting them come back with the standard "no" talk.

eg EG. With the one you make responsible for emptying bins... if they start with its not necessary. Ask them what happens when the bin overflows. Who do they think should empty the bin. How long do they think the job takes. Is that reasonable. What is their solution to improving the situation..OR.. Tell me how you think we can all help you to get out of bed for school. What specifically do you find difficult. What do you think would work ( football Klaxhorn probably) . Or if there are 4 people in the house. Who should do which of this list of chores? What chores could you do to help?

Could you get a friend or family member to come and give you a bit of a hand with decluttering.

A place for everything and everything in its place.
Go baskets. for gathering all their stuff off the floor to go to their rooms. If overflowing put it on their bed.It's their problem. Go bowls/bags where they dump their keys, entry cards, anything they need for the next day as they come in.. so there's a place they can look for themselves. Their own labelled hook to hang their school coat etc. but they need to eat at the table.. scrape their plates and put in the DW.. A pop up basket for each of them for laundry, If its not in front of the washer, it doesn't get done.

Labels and post it notes (or as they like to call it "Pass Ag notes" ) eg.. pinned near the bin "Please take the bin out by Tuesday"

It won't happen over night try one new task a week, with a reward. Give it a chance. that's not working, maybe try more drastic action. I also think letting DH and all of them to just get on with it for a weekend.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I would look at this as step by step small tasks... and keep chipping away. But also get some real life support if you can. Best of luck OP x

"Asking for help is very dependent on the good will of those you are asking"
There are two things here I'd like to pick up. To be precise: two words.

'Asking' and 'Help'.

Both of those words imply that the OP is the default drudge, and it is her responsiblilty to do all of it. There are two adults in the house. They should both be equally responsible for all household/childcare matters. Doing domestic chores is something that should be shared out between everyone, including dc.

We only do what we really can do in the time we have. All else is bollocks ....take your time, enjoy your life and leave your pigs in their misery....obviously when the pigs leave through the front door and out, go and gather few bits of rotten food, you don't want to end up in a hospital