Found out I have half brother my mum stopped my dad from seeing

[MayaYanney]

Hey guys

a few months ago I learned from a relative that I have a half brother one year older than me.

my father fathered a child in Russia when working there.

the story is allegedly my mother learned about him when she was about to give birth to me.

Allegedly the woman kept quiet she was pregnant and till the kid was one and then decided to tell my dad when my mum was about to give birth to me.

my father kept in contact by phone and visited him till I was 3/4. Think this Lady didnt know about me/my mum, not sure.

then one day she calls mother told her over the phone when she called “it was your choice to give birth. You were 38, last chance to have a kid. You wanted the kid for yourself so now raise him yourself” and hanged up.

some time later this woman called my mother had her friend say wrong phone number, this phone was sold.

my father never spoke to him after that. I guess he thought she disappeared again and wanted nothing to do with him? Idk? I am not sure if he continued paying child support.

now obviously you can’t stop a father who wants to see his kid but my father is a very weird man. He also has a relationship with my other much older half sister from previous marriage because her mother kept in contact. I really believe if my mother didn’t do this he would still be in contact with this boy.

now my mother says

it’s not her fault she found while married and pregnant he has a kid and she was very sick of this woman being annoying and calling non stop, very often, for hours when they were busy chatting about their son. Says “I was just sick of her calling constantly! We couldn’t get anything done! Maybe if she didn’t call everyday and wasn’t so annoying!!!”

I don’t know how to feel about all this. I am disturbed my mother did this. Am I right to think this was very cruel? And look at her differently now? My sister says I’m over reacting.

It's all in the pastamd done now.nit mught be fresh to you but eberyone else moved onnyears ago. All you can control is whether you want to seek out a relationship with the woman and child yourself.

Another way to look at it is that your dad is a POS, he chose your mum, who you now think is a POS... Maybe the other woman was too? And if not then her and the kid had a lucky escape being nowhere near the parents you now despise (and quite honestly, your level of rage doesn't make me think you'd be a positive part of their lives either)

if i found out i had half siblings out there, i wouldnt want anything to do with them, i struggle enough with the siblings i do know nevermind the ones i dont. very strange over reaction in my view op.

So your father's a pos, your mother's a pos, you don't sound very nice either.
The only angel in the story I suppose is that 'poor single mother'.
Great stuff

That’s because you’ve never been an only child

I hope none of you call yourself feminist!!!

being cool with a woman speaking to another woman who did nothing to her like that and blaming her for her husbands mistakes!

So many selfish immoral women who i bet are cool with their partners being deadbeats!!!

What sad world we live in.

Oh look another deadbeats wifey

I said they shouldn’t agree condoning a woman treating another innocent woman like this and many are saying that women who did nothing to my mum deserved the nasty stuff my mum told her.

not “because we have a vagina”

don’t twist my words

my mother is a woman who hurt another woman, she deserves the karma she gets

It’s very feminist holding women accountable for harming other women actually

Must be nice not to be a lonely only child (with no cousins either) like I am

Do you not think if almost everyone on this thread is telling you that your anger is misplaced, you might be the unreasonable one, not everyone else?

There will be people posting on here who have deadbeat dads. There will be people who don’t have children, there will be people whose partners don’t have children with other people. There will be some who do and are really hands on, and some that do that don’t.

How do you know all these details? Have you made any assumptions? Your mum made the decisions she did to protect you and herself. Until you walked a mile in her shoes, you can’t judge her. Or at least you shouldn’t. It’s easy to judge without all the facts, 20(?) years on when you’ve never been in that position.

Why didn’t your dad go and see your aunt? She had a photo , she might’ve had a phone number

it sounds like your dad wasn’t man enough to tell ow not to be calling all the time and was happy for your mum to be the detonator, he had plenty of time afterwards to get the number

But your not an only child, you’ve already told us that you’ve got an older half sister

this wasn’t an affair!!!

he got her pregnant right before he met my mum!

and telling a woman “get lost he told me to tell you he wants nothing to do with your kid” is nothing wrong? Getting rid of her phone number is nothing wrong?

my mums second husband was also a deadbeat and she was fine with that.

you really think there’s nothing wrong with being cool with your partner being a deadbeat?

I could never be with a man who is fine never seeing his kids.

what sort of person does this make you?

Getting a bit boring now
Go to the lovely single mother and your half sibling and beg them to be your family 🙄

She is my step sister

we are not related, didn’t grow up together, there is big age difference and we are not close at all

You said she was your half sister from your dads first marriage. So she is your moms second husbands child.

You wouldn't have grown up with your half brother either given you live in different parts of the world. You still would have been a 'lonely only' even if you did know about him.

Haha with my siblings, I do wish I was a nice lonely only child, no chaos! Careful what you wish for op, could open a huge can of worms u can’t close. But as someone else has pointed out, it is getting boring now. Get some therapy to help you move on from a past you can’t change and have some empathy for your mother.

No that’s another person

i never met my dads daughter she wants nothing to do with me

You really don’t. Especially when your parents need care and when they die and you are left all alone in the world with zero family

I, like many of the other PP on this thread, feel sorry for you. It's obvious that you are very angry and quite possibly this is dominating your life at the moment. That's not going to be very healthy for you emotionally or physically going forward. I would hope that you seek out some MH help so that you can deal with this in a constructive way, rather than continuing to lash out at everyone, including your mother.

Thanks for reminding me of the aunt, @Evilspiritgin .

OP has mentioned the aunt twice

1. "also, I’m pretty sure my aunt says she didn’t even know about my or my mothers existence."
2. "I saw a photo of him. My aunt kept it. He looks exactly like my dad."

Is your aunt your father's sister, or your mother's sister? I'm going to guess at your "deadbeat" father's sister, because I really, really cannot see why your mother's sister would have a photograph of this boy.

What else has your dear aunt been telling you, OP? You hold such bile towards your mother, I wonder at it.

Even if he had of had phone contact with your dad there is no saying this boy now man would want a sibling relationship with you.

There is no saying if you find him tomorrow he will want to talk to you either. You’ve got one half sibling who doesn’t care already and the way your dad got around probably many more.

I know my biological dad was a whore which is exactly why I will never do one of those ancestry tests despite being interested in my family tree.

I don’t want half siblings who suddenly want to become family just because our father ejaculated in our separate mothers. All we share is some dna from a waste of space man. Hell my dad could be your dad. Who knows.

Yes I wonder this too. Your Aunt is also part of the cover up OP, she could have told you sooner, why is she telling you now?

Don’t romanticize the sibling relationship with this man. What it could have been, and/or what it could be.

He lives in Russia, as he has done his whole life. You weren’t raised together as siblings, and you have no shared culture or history. These are things that shape the sibling bond. Even if your mother and his mother had been interested in supporting the relationship (and there’s no guarantee that she would have been. She was pursuing your father, likely for financial support, which is not the same thing as pursuing you), at best it would have been a distant one.

Russian culture is not British culture, and Russians tend not the as be sentimental about these things as you seem to be. It’s possible, if not probable tbh, that he wouldn’t warmly welcome you as a long lost sibling he feels a connection to or is interested in a relationship with. My Russian father has an older half sibling he’s never met, and the idea that it’s something he should be interested in is genuinely baffling to him. This isn’t an unusual attitude. Do not assume that if you did locate him that he would be interested, or that you wouldn’t be hurt by a lack of response/ a response that would be considered rude by British standards.

It’s very unlikely that you will find in him what you think you’re missing.

Women are not the moral keepers of men, and I don’t expect them to be. If a woman wants to be in a relationship with a man that doesn’t see his children then that’s their business. I don’t care to have an opinion on it. I

My husband has no children from previous relationships, btw, so no, I don’t have any vested interest in this.

Sure if your mum was a saint she would have been fine with your dad having a relationship with this other woman and their child together. She had one outburst over it. It’s understandable that she’d be annoyed over it.

It’s quite something if one word from your mother was all it took to stop this Russian woman calling. If it were me and some woman told me not to call again I’d want confirmation from your father that was the case. Surely she must have guessed that his current wife wasn’t thrilled about a Russian woman having his child?

Also I’m not convinced your father couldn’t track the number down in some way. Surely records are kept of calls made in a bill or online? Surely if he knew where she lived he could have written?