To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

[rollingback]

I don’t get out much so probably why I’m overthinking!

Going out in a group of five of us. One of the five is dour, miserable and sarcastic. I don’t like her and I think the feeling is reciprocated.

On the other hand I do like the others and it would be nice to go out. Part of me thinks it’s silly to go if I’m not going to enjoy it much but another part thinks I shouldn’t let one rude person dictate my social life.

I totally get what you’re saying.
The vibe of the people sets the tone for the night. One person bringing negativity and meanness to a small group would have a big impact on me too. I would be on my guard/triggered and it’s not a mind over matter fix. My nervous system reacts and I can’t switch it off.

I pushed through lots of nights like this but it’s draining. I would try and see people separately and only go to full meet-ups when all 6 can go so she is more diluted.

OP i would find it difficult to go too. It would give me anxiety just considering it!
Maybe you say to yourself, right i will try this one more time, try to steer the conversation to topics you know the other ladies will respond too.
If it really is crap being in her company, make a decision to pass the next time.
Or you suggest an outing or something for next time that suits more to your interests, and see if she comes.

I would feel the same about this night out as you do OP.

I am quite a sensitive person and have endured work nights out with colleagues who I don't get along with and it was horrible.

I think another poster mentioned giving this night out with this friend group one last go and then in future just inviting the friends you do get on with to do things.

Friend groups splinter off, it's normal and by the sounds of it, you are not the only one who has noticed this woman's surliness. If she chooses to behave like a cow then you can also choose to not share space with her; socialise with whomever you wish. Life's too short.

2 have pulled out already, I'd just let karma takes its course.

I wonder if they pulled out because dour lady is going.

Don’t be frightened or intimidated by her. You like the others. So go.
If she is rude tell her she is being rude. She will be so shocked it might do her good.

It seems the problem may have solved itself this time 👍 I like to think I can be gently confrontational. For what it's worth, I've got suggestions for you and fellow social worriers.

• Changes the subject while you're still talking: Sorry, Jane, was I boring you?
• Poker face at funny story: Oh dear, Jane's not amused. What silly things have happened in your life lately?
• Can't your DH do it: I want to do it myself.

No need to be snarky. It's honestly helpful to assume awkward people are worried, timid or sad. Or deaf!

None of that would have the slightest effect on her. She would respond to any of that confrontationally or ignore it. Some people are just immune to others’ displeasure.

Gray rock her

Don’t go, you will be on edge when you should be enjoying yourself, what’s the point?

Don't go.. Make an. excuse. IIlness or something. Life is to short to be trying to socialise with people you don't like.
You don't owe her anything

Try and the other members of the group without her.

Probably for the same reasons as you were considering!

Rearrange something with the others, either as a group or 1-1.

I'm quite stubborn, so I wouldn't let her ruin my night. My personal opinion is go, take up space, and have a great time with the others, and just exchange the niceties with the lady you're not keen on.

This is a common issue. Kill them with kindness comes to mind. Any snarkiness: "oh, I'm so sorry, have I offended you". With genuine concern on your face and in your body language. You're telling her she's being rude, by apologising for having been rude first. You also have the option of 'pre-empting'. "I'm struggling with something so I need lots of positivity and supportive words, kindness". Or: "that was really funny but I don't have any resilience for sarcasm today, I'm dealing with a difficult situation at work". I'd be tempted to have a chat with someone you're closer to in the group and ask them to stay close to you or intervene if there's too much negativity. Good luck and remember: it's not easy making friends as an adult so def worth keeping those you like, even if you have to tolerate someone you don't.

I would go and be sugary sweet and kind towards her. Go and enjoy your evening, it would be such a shame to miss out🫠x

If she starts being horrible, you could always say..... "Are you having a bad day today? as, you couldn't possibly be that rude, if you were having a good day!" It has worked for me.

I’m selective who I spend my time with so one person being there I don’t like is enough for me to cancel. One person can ruin an evening and cause me to be irritated afterwards so now, if I know someone I dislike is coming, I don’t go.

This is very me.
My time is so precious.
I am a bit of a princess in my 60's about my time.
I will no thanks in a minute, if it doesn't suit me.

There are so many great, solid, supportive women out there.
I would no more spend an evening with one sour arse killing the vibe, for a minute.
Not happening!
Funnily enough, in my large fantastic circle of women in their late 50's and 60's, they are the same.
Love, kindness and support, only.
Anything else, we be TOO busy.

Sounds like the event has fizzled out and let you off the hook !
This woman also sounds like she owes you money which I think says something about her character which I couldn’t put up with. Once maybe but if no response to pay up then that’s just not fair to you, especially as like many you need to budget. Its just disrespectful, the same as her attitude to you.
As you get older you will look back and wonder why you put up with her.
if you have a hobby, maybe go to a group and meet some new people or as mentioned before, organise something yourself with those you get on with.

It does sound as if it's solved itself, probably partly due to people avoiding her!

I think the expense does make the difference. If it were a cheaper night out, I would just go and ignore her, and see how it went.

I think there are loads of things you can say, which just say you see what she is doing.

So in the “Can’t you husband do it” instance you could have replied “Jane, is everything OK, I mean you’ve just jumped down my throat and I don’t deserve that.” she might have escalated but you can have a reply ready.
She currently feels safe to do this, and she shouldn’t.

Honestly, I would call her out in front of the group. Bluntly.

"Do you have something against me, X? No? Then why are you so rude all the time? And why that look of disgust when you talk to me?"

She's getting away with it because you are all far too polite.

I think if you do reply to her it is just the way to getting ostracised by the group

Even though others have noticed they have never said a thing and continue to sit and talk as a group with her. Probably because they know if you go then one of them will be her next target. These type of people always need someone they can feel superior to.

I can forecast the evening if you do confront her.

She will turn on the waterworks and everyone will gather round her feeling sorry for her and you will end up leaving.

This woman is a Wendy and you unfortunately are her first target.

I am presuming she doesn’t want her friend to be friends with others in the group/ have anyone else but her

I personally wouldn’t want to spend a penny going out with someone who is going to give me dirty looks all evening.

I wonder why 2 others have cancelled?