To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

[rollingback]

I don’t get out much so probably why I’m overthinking!

Going out in a group of five of us. One of the five is dour, miserable and sarcastic. I don’t like her and I think the feeling is reciprocated.

On the other hand I do like the others and it would be nice to go out. Part of me thinks it’s silly to go if I’m not going to enjoy it much but another part thinks I shouldn’t let one rude person dictate my social life.

@Gloriia that would be my initial instinct but it doesn’t work. Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably not all that terrible but it makes me tense and feel awkward and then I just don’t enjoy the evening anyway.

It will make them stand out to the group if it's that obvious. I think you can be pleasant, smile, chat but not engage in negativity quite easily. If her response is to be abrupt or look at you funny, then that's her problem and it won't go unnoticed. Definitely shouldn't stop you having a good time OP.

It shouldn’t, I agree, but unfortunately it just does.

I think you need to learn to accept that not everyone is your cup of tea and just take her for what she is. Be pleasant and civil, focus on getting to catch up with the rest your friends in the group when they chat about their news etc, and just listen and nod when she's talking.

Well you could go, try gently calling her out on it and see if it makes her watch her tongue in future?

If she makes a waspish comment say something like “ooh that’s a bit harsh” or “gosh not sure what I said to deserve that” or “miaow!” Or something similar.

I know it’s uncomfortable to rock the boat but if you’re considering not going otherwise it seems like you’ve nothing to lose?

If Charles and Camilla have to suck it up with Trump and Melania for a week I am sure you'll be fine on a night out..

You could go one last time and try a mindset thing where you take her how she is like a character in a show and assume she can’t help the resting bitch face and speaking bitch voice. The friend she clings to must like something about her

It would be a shame to lose a friend group. The rest sound like good people as they haven’t immediately bitched about her behind her back.

My old friends from school had one like this join in adulthood and she actually turned out to be the most loyal and a good person at heart, she just came across like a cactus.

This makes it sound like I’m the problem and that’s not the case here.

@minipie it isn’t really like that. She’ll say something like ‘well can’t your DH do it’ which is totally innocuous but the tone and the face it’s delivered in aren’t.

Sigh, I don’t know what to do really. I just don’t want to be spending £50 on a night I won’t enjoy. On the other hand it’s true I don’t want to be sort of manoeuvred out of the group!

Yeah, they are the king and queen. I’m just slightly less important than that

Maybe keep going for now. As you've said the others have obviously noticed but it's not a gossipy group so hasn't been raised.

Just focus on the others. If she says anything snide change the subject. Annoying yes but if everyone else is nice might be worth persistenting with it, for now.

If she comes out with this sort of passive aggressive dig, have a planned line ready to use. Something like 'Oooooh, really, Rachel? I haven't paid <Bar Name> prices for a night of playground insults. Hush now'.

Thanks @Gloriia

That wouldn’t end well @Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff - for one thing, I just haven’t got the punch in my voice for the delivery. It would sound weak and limp. And it wouldn’t be well received - it would make the evening awkward which isn’t fair on others.

Is that your face? Because you’ve said you don’t like her?

As the normal organiser, I invite everyone, it S doesn’t want to come because T Is coming, fine don’t come. I’m not there to decide to omit people who don’t get on in a group.

If you want to meet with friends, then go, if you only want to meet with certain friends then organise an outing yourself.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable not to go. The way I see things is that my free time out of work is way less than I’d like it to be so I wouldn’t waste it doing something that I wouldn’t enjoy.

If you think you won’t enjoy yourself then it’s not worth the angst.

I used to go to a book group, and then a woman joined who I found really difficult to deal with. She isn’t a horrible, unkind person at all, so for a long time I thought of it as my failing and tried to not get annoyed. This didn’t work long term though and I stopped going as I wasn’t enjoying it any more. She is very needy and demanding, and would bring every conversation back to herself. So it was hard to chat to anyone else or have group discussions that didn’t revolve entirely around her. For a while she didn’t come to every meeting but her health declined and she insisted that all meetings would be at her house. We used to take turns, and whoever was host would also provide snacks and drinks. At her house, everyone had to take the snacks and drinks, so it was just more hassle all round.
In your place I probably wouldn’t go, but if this woman only gets on with one other group member, then eventually everyone is going to get fed up, so the group will fracture or stop.

What? This is a really odd comment. Are you confused about the difference between work and personal life? That’s their “job” and they have to, just like everyone on the planet with a job - you play nice with people you don’t like and do things you don’t want to do with those people. You don’t have to do the same in your personal life.

Go cos you like the others.

One person shouldn't be allowed sufficient prominence in a group of 6 that they dictate the mood. If it was me I'd take some control of the situation rather than passively accepting she'll ruin it and letting her do just that.
Focus your attention on the other women. Concentrate on them and their conversations and responses to you and keep her peripheral. If she's sarcastic to you, either ignore her, or make a light rebuke like 'that's not very uplifting Sandra' and move on.
There is no reason at all why the group dynamic should be dictated by her negativity rather than everyone else's positivity. People have only the social power other people allow them.

If you like the others in the group, it would be a shame to miss out. I'd go but not expect anything in particular from her, and respond to any comments with as short a reply as possible - move the conversation on to include the others if you can. It sound like you can understand a bit of why she is like she is - can you use that to tell yourself that anything she says is her response to her own disappointments, and no reflection on you? Maybe that way you will cope better with her put-downs.

I have a group with a member a bit like you describe. She would always make me feel like she thought I was doing life wrong, my kids weren't doing as well as her kids, etc and I would avoid her whenever possible. However, people change and this particular person went through a very tough time with a health scare and one of her children had an eating disorder, and she is now much less prickly and [slightly] more fun to be around.

I’ve been known to avoid events when toxic people are going, but in a group of 5 I’d say yes and have an escape plan.

You say you don't go out much, are you looking for an excuse not to go do you think?

Could you message one of the others separately (not the person she’s close to) to say that you are having a hard time and being on the receiving end of the usual type of comments will be a bit much for you, are they willing to help you manage that situation in the conversation if it happens? So not necessarily just you having to have some kind of response but someone else can do that?

@Witchonenowbob pardon? Sorry … I genuinely don’t really know what ‘is this your face?’ means. I certainly wouldn’t be messaging and saying ‘I’m not coming ‘coz I don’t like her!’

Thanks @MabelAnderson ; I know what you mean, I’ve known people like that too.

It isn’t a group of six, it’s a group of five (including me) @5128gap . It is actually a group of six but one can’t make it.

The thing with having the escape plan is that it costs a lot of money - that’s the main thing putting me off.

@KiddyMcKiddly i think in many ways it is possibly fuelled by some resentment but hard to say really.

@WallaceinAnderland I’m closer to fifty than forty and have very young children; my going out days are far behind me! I’m just conscious it’s quite a chunk from our budget in many ways (difficult financial month) which would be fine if it was going to be lots of fun; I just don’t think it will be.

My point was you were describing her face, because she doesn’t like you! I’m asking is it a reflection of your face as you don’t like her.

Just don’t go, if everyone else is going presumably they’re happy too, I know you think others don’t like her but don’t say. But if they’re happy to go, they can obviously deal with her and enjoy the evening.