To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

[rollingback]

I don’t get out much so probably why I’m overthinking!

Going out in a group of five of us. One of the five is dour, miserable and sarcastic. I don’t like her and I think the feeling is reciprocated.

On the other hand I do like the others and it would be nice to go out. Part of me thinks it’s silly to go if I’m not going to enjoy it much but another part thinks I shouldn’t let one rude person dictate my social life.

I could @Rainbowshine but I’d be putting them in an awkward position and I don’t really want to be the one who instigates bitching about someone else, albeit it is deserved! The ‘comments’ are something and nothing really; it’s more the way she sits there as if there’s a shit on the table that is off putting! (And there is always an embarrassing complaint about something as well but that’s not just her in fairness.)

But you originally planned to go even though you knew she'd be there so it must have been something that you wanted to do. Now it's getting closer you want to pull out but nothing has fundamentally changed from when you originally accepted the invite.

No, I definitely don’t sit with an impatient and faintly disgusted look on my face.

I don’t know whether others like her or not. I think some of her more dour ways have been noticed but it is entirely possible they don’t bother others; they bother me. Sorry.

@rollingback I hear you, and in your shoes I wouldn't go.....
She sounds like a twat, and if money is a bit tight this month, give it a miss.....

Just say you're under the weather, and treat yourself to a bottle of wine at home instead!! X

simple question really. Will you enjoy it?

It’s fine if it bothers you. Just make an excuse and bin it off. It doesn’t have to be a ‘thing’.

And all the suggestions to be passive aggressive - why bother? It’s just going to cause an atmosphere for the whole group.

I am genuinely amazed at how women’s friendship groups are so full of angst about whether one person likes another etc. It is like some people don’t move on from the age of 12!

Have you tried talking to her about her issues? Maybe she thinks her life is shit and the rest of you and your friends isn’t, so, unfairly, she’s taking it out on you and them.

I don’t want it to be like that @LiviaDrusillaAugusta - but it’s impossible (for me) to shrug it off. Mainly as I do feel the r dislike is coming my way rather than to anybody else but I could be wrong.

I wouldn’t try to talk to her, no. It wouldn’t be my place, and when I’ve tried to offer a bit of an olive branch previously it’s ended badly for me - things like booking her and dc into an activity with mine and she’s then bailed and I’ve been out of pocket.

I had almost exactly this situation in my book group. Everyone was terrified of 'Rachel' because she is super clever and articulate, but sadly, not very nice . She picked on me and one other. Then I heard her say to someone else along the lines of "Pidge usually chooses awful books but one was actually OK" so I said "Hang on, which ones were awful?" and she just smiled at me. She was glad I'd heard.
But things improved after a mutual friend was ill and we both went to see her (at different times). Friend told me Rachel's DH had had an affair and presumably this prickliness was her way of dealing with the hurt. But friend must also have put in a good word about me, because Rachel has treated us both like all the others since then. I'll never fully trust her but we can carry on a civilised conversation in the group. I really hope you can go, and they your Rachel behaves herself. She doesn't sound very happy.

But she's OK with me now, because someone had a word with her, someone she liked and respected. I found myself walking home with her once as we left someone's house and I asked her opinion about an author and just let her talk.

I don’t doubt she’s unhappy / stressed and I’ve no idea if it’s ‘just’ that or if there is something about me she dislikes, but either way it just makes me tense and anxious and then I become shy and awkward, although I’m not in other scenarios!

In my 20s, I would have gone on the night out and suffered in silence.

Now in my 30s, I just think “fuck that shit”.

I refuse to put myself through unpleasant situations, which hanging out with a dickhead most certainly is. YANBU.

OP you don't have to do anything. You don't have to go. You owe her nothing. You owe the others nothing. You don't need to martyr yourself, or make yourself feel uncomfortable. Why pay money to feel uncomfortable? Why? What's the point? What a waste of money and time. Use that money to buy yourself a nice bottle of wine or something (if you drink), and/or a nice takeaway, cake, whatever, watch a movie, chill at home. That, will be bliss. Don't throw money away to be miserable or uncomfortable. Life's too short. Don't waste your money and time. Look after you and make yourself happy.

I don’t believe in bitching behind people’s backs. It’s cruel. I have no problem calling people out for bad behaviour. In your case, I would wait until she gets a dig in and start by asking her if she is quite okay. Let her know that you find her negativity abrasive/exhausting/whatever and you want to know if it’s aimed at you personally or is she the princess of darkness with everyone?

And cause drama… nobody wants to sit in an atmosphere, and by tackling her, OP would look like the villain.

Life is too short to be stressing about something that is supposed to be fun. Just give it a swerve and perhaps try to expand your friendship base if possible.

I have a frenemy like this. Unfortunately when I encounter her it is usually impromptu (in that, I didn't know she would also be there).

I would LOVE an opportunity for a pre-planned evening so that I could rehearse all the pithy one-line ripostes I usually only think of AFTER I've seen her.

So I say, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

I must have explained it badly as it isn’t really like that. It’s more just dour looks and thinly veiled contempt in terms of the way she looks at me rather than withering put downs or anything like that. But in any case I agree with @LiviaDrusillaAugusta that it’s unpleasant for others in the group if I use an evening out to make disdainful remarks (which I wouldn’t be any good at anyway.)

Of course you can bail if you’re not going to enjoy it OP. As a one off that makes sense.

But if this keeps happening then it may well play out against you - if you pull out often enough you get seen as flaky and may stop being invited. Which is a great shame for you.

Ultimately being part of a group does involve learning to live with the ones you don’t like as much. It’s up to you whether being part of the group is important enough to you to do that.

I know and that’s what I need to decide. It’s a tough one. I think we all started on the same sort of footing but over the years the gap between me and the others has widened and this woman has meant that social occasions aren’t enjoyable any more.

It's obviously causing you upset and doubt, after your updates I wouldn't bother going, you won't enjoy it and it's a lot of money. You don't need an excuse, just say you can't make it.

She doesn't like you ? Even more reason to go and sparkle❤

Do the others in the group notice her dour looks aimed only at you OP? If she's doing it right in front of them, surely someone would have said something to you by now?

Understandable but it depends how much you want to go. Would you go without her there?

I haven’t said that.

I have tried to be patient and polite but I do think you’re being quite argumentative intentionally. I am really sorry if this isn’t the case but it is getting a little bit tiresome now. I’ve had some upsetting news since starting this thread (nothing to do with the subject in question) and I could really do without what I’ve said being twisted.

To clarify on the chance you’re not being intentionally contentious, at no point have I said that she has ‘dour looks aimed only at me.’ I have said that she is sometimes a bit sharper and more critical of me than I feel she is to others but I have been clear throughout the thread (and if you click on ‘see OP posts’ you can confirm that yourself) that this may only be my interpretation as I’m obviously going to be a bit more aware at comments aimed at me.

@Gwenna I’d definitely go without her; it would be quite a nice night out then.

Thanks @MissMoneyFairy . I would need an excuse as I’ve already said I’ll go … I am leaning towards going and using it as the basis as to whether to bother with future events really.