To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

[rollingback]

I don’t get out much so probably why I’m overthinking!

Going out in a group of five of us. One of the five is dour, miserable and sarcastic. I don’t like her and I think the feeling is reciprocated.

On the other hand I do like the others and it would be nice to go out. Part of me thinks it’s silly to go if I’m not going to enjoy it much but another part thinks I shouldn’t let one rude person dictate my social life.

Sometimes people pick up that you don’t like them and match your energy. Could this be the case here? If she’s just like this with you, maybe she knows you don’t like her and her attitude towards you reflects that. Sometimes the smallest change in body language sends a very powerful message. You might not even realise you’re doing it.

Of course you can’t like everyone and group dynamics can be tricky if one person is skewing the atmosphere. Personally I wouldn’t go if I knew I was t going to enjoy it.

She sounds very unpleasant and very HARD work @rollingback but it’s interesting that 2 others have cancelled. Are they the 2 others she also doesn’t acknowledge in the group chat? Could they have cancelled due to her attitude do you think?
it seems obvious that she’s far from happy but that’s her stuff. From what you’ve said, it seems like she is very bothered by you and is deliberately trying to undermine you. The problem is that she has gotten away with it and this has left you feeling on the back foot. So she’s empowered to continue, while you’re now retreating into your shell to protect yourself. So the dynamic has shifted and it sounds like for you it would be too much at this stage to address it, even very passively. So that leaves you feeling uncomfortable in the group as you’re waiting to be targeted again. That doesn’t sound like a good position to be in and I can see why you would object to paying £50 for the privilege, who would look forward to that? Are you in contact with members of the group 1to1? Could you arrange a coffee and a catch up with 1 or 2 of them?

@rollingback you need to perfect the tinkly laugh

“can’t your H do it?”
you <tinkly laugh> oh that’d be wonderful wouldn’t it… I’ll have to get you to have a word with him

her: <dour look>
you; <tinkly laugh> oh love your face is a picture, you do make me laugh.

stop showing her she’s getting to you.

I get it tho, my DH daughter was barefaced icy with me the last time we saw her a few weeks ago and it really did ruin the mood of everything for me. I’ve not seen her for years and quite frankly can easily go another few decades years without putting myself through it again

i wasn’t expecting it this time tbh, next time ill be better prepared. I’ll grey rock and stare at the menu for ages 😂

I would go with the intention of having a good time with all and being pleasant with everyone (even the woman you don't like). Give her the benefit of the doubt. We can never know what is going on in someone's life. Like you said: "she wasn't always that way". A little compassion goes a long way. Personally, I never absorb people's negative energy or reflect it back to them. I simply accept them as they are and refrain from being judgmental.

I definitely wouldn't go. Don't the others realise she's being rude to you? What's wrong with them? I'd reconsider my involvement with the whole group. I'm having a similar situation with someone who seems to have it in for me but as she's a family member it's harder to avoid. Don't put yourself through it, I'd say.

I have cancelled in the past due to disliking a member of the crowd.

She is nothing but trouble and I’d rather not spend my rare, free evenings with her.

All good.

I have a relative I despise, there is history there, I kill her with kindness. We have been invited to her big birthday party. I’m only going because I know she will be pissed off I am there, yes I am that childish but I will be delightful. I can imagine her friends will say how nice it was to meet me or if she has moaned about me say I thought you said she was (insert swear word here). I am positively Machiavellian in situations like this.

If people want to judge me then go ahead but she behaved appallingly at the graveside of my child who we were burying. Even her own Mother says she is difficult and can be horrible. Be glad you are not related to her.

I completely understand, I have a colleague I give a wide berth to at work due to past history. I am nothing but civil and nice but keep it all very professional and work related only.
Their presence at work events change the vibe so much it makes me feel very on edge so I opt out, get moaned at for being boring and anti social but I am of an age where self preservation and self esteem is worth more that I don't wish to spend my spare time with people who treat me badly.

Did you go?