To cancel night out because I don’t like one of the women coming?

[rollingback]

I don’t get out much so probably why I’m overthinking!

Going out in a group of five of us. One of the five is dour, miserable and sarcastic. I don’t like her and I think the feeling is reciprocated.

On the other hand I do like the others and it would be nice to go out. Part of me thinks it’s silly to go if I’m not going to enjoy it much but another part thinks I shouldn’t let one rude person dictate my social life.

I find this very immature, and if you’re a grown up I’m surprised you’re still behaving like a school girl

there is a woman in our group I don’t gel with, I’m sure she feels the same about me, it’s fine, we are more than able to be grownups about it.

if you can’t, don’t go,

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to come across like that. I'm trying to gauge whether others in the group have the same problem with her as you do, or whether you are more aware of her body language, etc.

If she is just miserable with the whole group then it's probably just her nature but again, I was wondering why you were happy to accept the invitation originally but then changed your mind as it got closer when materially, nothing had changed from the original plan. In other words, trying to work out if it's you with a perhaps less social nature, or whether everyone could be a bit fed up with her.

Sometimes though, even when people are miserable, it's still nice to include them (think Eeyore). I got the feeling that you thought it was aimed at you personally, rather than her just being her.

Do what feels right for you OP - what does that still small voice within say? Take care of yourself, it sounds like you’re having a difficult time on top of it 💖
As an aside: If it helps, I didn’t go to the theatre the other night because I just couldn’t decide what to wear and after about an hour I realised it was because I simply wasn’t feeling right in myself due to a few outside things going on. So I just put my pyjamas on instead of yet another outfit, and let myself relax. I was a bit upset that I missed out, but I knew I had made the right choice for myself. Do that for you 🌺

It’s depends - for me, if we didn’t like each other but we’d always faked it for the sake of the group I’d go. If it was well known amongst the group we didn’t get on or like each other I wouldn’t go. No need to overthink it, do what feels comfortable.

I don’t know why you’re accusing me of being immature, I haven’t done anything other than consider not going on an expensive night out I’m unlikely to enjoy.

I know others can overlook behaviour from others; I can’t. It does upset me and make me feel foolish and self conscious.

Thanks @WallaceinAnderland . I think that the one person she is very pally with in the group possibly enjoys that elevated status and the others are just perhaps more confident than I am. We met nearly six years ago; our lives probably were fairly similar in many ways but the gap has widened and I am feeling a tad out of sync.

Could you ask her why she says these snippy remarks amd say it's unpleasant for you? Sometimes people aren't aware or will change their behaviour when brought up on it. Xx

It isn’t really snippy remarks. I’ve been trying to explain what it is and obviously not doing a great job. But for example if you imagine you’re telling a funny story (intended to be humorous anyway) and someone sits there and doesn’t react at all, or if you’re explaining about something that happened at work and then she’ll say something completely unrelated that stops the conversation.

I also recently organised a collection for someone seriously unwell and it wasn’t acknowledged by her (or paid!) - I don’t mind, but it does leave me that uncomfortable sense that had someone else organised it she’d have responded. It’s all a bit strange and it is possible I’m putting my own wrong interpretation on actions.

And as for what’s changed - nothing. I said yes largely out of habit; I don’t get out much (!) so it’s nice when I do get an invitation. However, when I was going through my budget for this month it got me thinking whether it would actually be worth it in the sense of it being enjoyable.

OP, so many unpleasant obtuse replies.
Ysnbu at all...

I would bail and I wouldn't give it a second thought.
£50 when things are tight to something that won't be relaxing?
Not a chance.
Pull out, and wish them well.

See if you can meet up with either of the others that are not close to her, even for a coffee some day.

I don't spend 5 minutes, much less £50 with anyone I feel is unpleasant.

Life is too short and you’re too old (no offence, you’re older than me and I consider myself the same!) to be spending time, money, energy on people and company you don’t enjoy. Don’t go. Who gives a hoot what dour face thinks.

Socialise with those people you enjoy. If they ask, explain why kindly but don’t offer it up otherwise. So what if it bothers you? Don’t see her again. Why play at school girl games? You don’t like her, you don’t like her. Time in life is short. Spend it with people you like. Sounds like she is of the same opinion and that’s ok.

Not offended at all; I am old 😂

I think because of this you should go on this occasion so that you don't become a peripheral part of the group and, as you have suggested, use the time to observe everyone and how they all interact.

But, shortly after, see if you can arrange a meet up just with 2 or 3 of the others that you get on with. These groups do not always have to include everyone and it's ok to splinter off into smaller groups sometimes.

I fully agree with this

It depends how bad she is really.

Go with the aim of rising above it and not sitting too close to her ans if she really gets on your nerves plead a headache and go home.

I asked this and answer was no she wouldn’t ask. Or something along those lines.

I used to be in a friendship group of 5 and one was similar to how you describe: dour and miserable summed her up quite well. We all went to school together many moons ago and stayed in touch for about 10 years afterwards. I never really knew her that well at school - there were 2 “central” people in the group and the other 3 of us were friends with 1 or both of them.

Anyway, I found 2 approaches helped:

1 - Pull her up on it, every single time. It doesn’t need to be confrontational and you don’t need a loud/assertive voice. Just a pleasant “sorry Jane what do you mean?” type response to her sarcasm. Watch Jefferson Fisher on Instagram for ideas.

2 - Kill her with kindness. Have a 1:1 chat, show interest in her life, ask questions. She’s probably coming across as miserable because she feels miserable. I’m not saying she deserves reward for her bad behaviour, but it’ll be harder for her to be rude with this approach. My dour friend was awful in a group but really quite nice in a 1:1 situation.

With the benefit of hindsight and time, I can see that my dour friend was feeling insecure and dissatisfied with her life - she would have loved to have children but never met the right person. I’m not saying this as a smug married person with children btw, 2 others in the group are living very happy child-free by choice lives!

@rollingback go, there’s a chance she might pull out 😬

say are you always this rude lol.

Then just don’t go op. But accept you’re kissing goodbye to these friends,

80:20 rules- it’s good enough, go on out and keep your distance from her

as someone who is also dour, miserable and sarcastic, I promise we don’t mean it personally. Go, be pleasant but take a wide berth and enjoy your night! If it’s unbearable, go home. Life is too short.

I think you should go on this occasion and use it potentially as a final gathering of this group before you bow out. It may just change your mindset from being hurt by this indifference from one person to not really being affected by it.

She may act differently this time who knows!
Not everyone is going to like you … that’s life and that’s normal but it’s how you respond that makes all the difference. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Let them think what they want to think. You don’t have to see her at any other time.
You may be absolutely spot on that she would rather just be with the one person in your group that she responds on the chat to but there are also three other people in your outing that very much want you to be included. Enjoy their company.
Weirdly two very special people in my life who became great friends I started off not initially liking or wanting to spend any time around. Not saying that may be the case but just shows how wrong you can get it sometimes.

You can’t know that, and to be honest it doesn’t really matter what the intent or the meaning is. What matters is that unfortunately it doesn’t impede on my enjoyment of the evening.

It looks like it might be cancelled anyway as two people have pulled out.