To tell friend she can't come on holiday if she doesn't pay her share?

[Glitterinthegrey]

My friend and I agreed to go on holiday together in May half term. It's me & my teenager, and her & her three children aged between 11 and 16.

I booked it, and she was meant to give me half of the money. The final date for payment came and she said she didn't have it, so I paid it on the understanding she would pay me back.

She's now saying she won't be able to afford their train tickets if she has to pay me, too. Neither of us drive, so we holiday in coastal towns with good links.

I'm in a better financial position than her, but I still have to work and save to afford holidays. I don't mind subsidising her by paying more than my share, but feel like excpecting me to pay the whole lot is taking the piss.

Would IBU to tell her they can't come if she doesn'tpay at least some of the cost? It feels mean, but equally I don't want to be a doormat.

But you are happy for her and her kids to take from your own dc - because paying for them is effectively taking money from your own kid.

No OP, she knew she would do this. She is absolutely taking the piss. If her kids don't get a holiday, that is on her.

As she has form, I would be looking to distance myself tbh. I cannot stand CF like this. On top of it, she is guilt tripping you. Fuck that.

You’re not the reason. She is.

Yanbu. Your friend is taking the piss massively asking you to pay for 4 people to go on holiday. What is she thinking??

You've paid for the holiday now. She ain't going to pay you back now! How much are we talking?

Will she try and be a sponger during your stay. If she can just about pay for train tickets, how will she contribute to food / going out.

Sounds like a shit holiday if you went with her.

Stop being like this. You're a single parent. Prioritise yourself and your child. She's exploiting your good nature and it has to stop.

If you let her off temporarily, to allow her to purchase train tickets and have money to spend during the holiday, do you think she would pay you back eventually?

If I were in this situation and I could afford to wait AND I trusted my friend, then I would. If I needed the cash or thought there was a risk of her not paying me after having the holiday then I would use the threat of cancelling the holiday as leverage

She should be paying more as she's got two more people going. Of course she doesn't go on a free holiday. Can you cancel and get smaller accommodation for just you and your child. She's a cf and owes you money. Yanbu

Please don't pay for this woman and her children to have a holiday.
She's a chancer.

If her kids don't get a holiday that's 💯 on her, not you. Don't gaslight yourself.

You have been a mug so far though but better late than never to make a stand. She isn't a friend to you she is a CF.They attach themselves to people that are unable to enforce normal boundaries. Her children not getting a holiday simply isn't the end of the world and it isn't your job to fund it. I'd cancel with her and rebook somewhere else with your own child. Be prepared for the push back but honestly start finding your backbone. She'd expect you to pay for all the meals and spends no doubt too. I appreciate this is someone you consider a friend so none of what I have suggested will be easy but you have to start sometime.

Afterwards I would really consider some form of therapy to look at why you struggle with enforcing boundaries and feeling guilty associated with it.

End the friendship. I bet she asks for her £50 back. It's not you stopping her from going on holiday. It's her choice. I bet she will find the money.

Does she make a habit of doing this or is it a ‘one off’? Even if you do let them go on the holiday how confident are you that her relying on you paying will end there or will she expect you to keep forking out for other spending?
Personally, I’d be telling her to stay at home.

She’s expecting you to roll over and give her a free holiday.

You’ve already been kind enough to go only halves when she’s taking up most of the caravan? Then you’ve let the payment deadline slide still giving her more time.

Now it’s oh but if I pay for accommodation I can’t pay for trains.

Her not paying is the reason her children won’t get a holiday not you for wanting to not give her a free holiday.

She will keep playing you for a mug for as long as you let her.

You are not the reason her kids dont get a holiday

Making you feel this way is why she is doing it! Of course you are going to feel guilty if she then starts to say the children won't get a break, they were looking forward to it etc etc and lays on the emotional blackmail.
If she can't afford it now, what will change afterwards? You will then feel more resentful that you funded her holiday and remain out of pocket while she claims she still can't pay you back.

I disagree with people saying just go ahead and only pay for the supermarket shop to lower your guilt of saying she can't come. As others have already said by paying half you already contribute to her share as really she should be paying more as she has 3 children and you only have 1.
Also she would be likely to use the children to manipulate the situation. You mention you only do low cost activities but with 3 children even something cheap adds up, so no doubt if you said your child was going to go do an activity, she is likely to use her kids to say they would like to do it too. And how would you then resist 3 sad children who have perhaps been told you will be paying suddenly saying no.

"OK send me the money today for the holiday and then we can sort out the travel after"

Then once you have the holiday money..

""Ah I'm really sorry, I cant afford to buy our train tickets if I buy yours."

See how she likes it when the shoe is on the other foot

From reading MN for several years I really think we need a new term for 'friends' like this. There's another thread running where a similar CF, user, chancer, taker or whatever you want to call them is trying to ruthlessly exploit a kind friend. OPs need to downgrade these people from the status of friend.

As so many pps say, this person is NOT a friend. Friends don't do that kind of thing. I always think: behaviour like this can't just come out of the blue - there must have been indications before this incident of their CFery???

I've never had a 'friend' like this because either I must give out pheromones which tell people I won't stand for it, or if anyone tried this kind of thing on with me that would be the end of our relationship.

As millions will have said, YOU aren’t the reason they might not get a holiday, SHE is.

if she gets a family railcard she can save loads on train tickets. Depending on the distance, even the price of the railcard still saves her money to buy it and the tickets.

tell her fast that you’ll find someone else to go and maybe it’s the boot up her CF arse and she’ll find the money

This. Don't pay for her. It will ruin the relationship snyway.

Has she pulled this kid of crap with you before @Glitterinthegrey

Agree that she can't come and that you would be expected to pay for more (ie supermarket shops) if she did so even though you have to pay more than expected going without her it will still be cheaper than if she would come along in her dire financial situation. I would return her £50 deposit just to be extra nice. I would plan no further holidays with her and it might be the end of the friendship too.

Why the ACTUAL FUCK should she ‘feel bad’?? And on what planet is it her responsibility to pay for a family of 4 to go on holiday??

Jesus Christ!! The utter crap spouted here is beyond ridiculous! 😖

As above suggestions…
Sorry friend but I can’t afford to pay it all by myself, so if you can’t pay your share I will need to invite someone else who can.

I can’t afford to go on holiday this year so guess what - I am not going.
She has let you pay that money every month and knew she was never going to pay you back.
She is not your friend. She knows you have a kind nature and is using you.
You have your own family to think of and she is stealing your resources. That’s absolutely terrible.

YOU are not the reason her kids won't get a holiday; SHE is the reason. Hindsight is a marvellous thing, but the writing was on the wall when she didn't pay the monthly installments. If she couldn't afford to pay one month, how would she afford the two months worth of payments the next month?

I wouldn't be offering to pay more than your share. Don't give her any more chances; just send her a message (so it's in writing), saying you've cancelled, as you couldn't afford the full cost alone. (I'm not normally a fan of lying about these things, but I would worry that if she knew you were still going, she may just turn up at the holiday accomodation and insist on staying.)

Since you can't change or cancel the accomodation, I would consider if there is another friend you and your child get on well enough with to holiday with. If not, enjoy the larger accommodation all to yourself!