Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Or, you could accept that your relationship with your DD and DIL will be different.

You could accept that your DIL doesn’t appreciate unplanned drop ins, like many people.

You could respect their boundaries around caregiving for their child.

You could stop making it all about you.

You would have known how it would have been taken by saying that in front of your dil, and then talking about how your daughter’s house is always so clean. Passive aggressive put downs aren’t jokes they are deliberate but they are presented as ‘joke’ where you can blame your dil for being too sensitive and not taking the joke, taking it too seriously because you were only joking.
I would hazard a guess you’ve said or done other things too which have made her feel a certain way.

So you’re finding out you can’t say what you like without consequence. If you can apologise without blaming her for taking your ‘joke’ seriously and realise how you’ve made her feel then you should do that to try to repair your relationship.

And don’t mention being invited upstairs to change the nappy

The thing is, even if they were jokes, or you're just praising your own daughter
you've said in direct and indirect ways 'I judge people on cleanliness and have found this place lacking'
you probably continue to give that message without knowing, by making comment on places and people and having and calling cleanliness.
you need to start talking about and praising other things that your dil does and make sure she knows she has value in your eyes. Praise her mothering and the way she has created boundaries.
i am willing to bet you make a lot of 'jokes' comparing your son to your daughter where he is found lacking and your DIL is creating boundaries for him an her family from the 'jokey' nitpicking

I've got a MIL like you - claimed that put downs and criticisms were jokes and then cried and wailed when she was only invited to come and stay on our terms. I washed my hands of her in the end and left maintaining a relationship with her up to DH. Funnily enough said relationship is pretty non-existent because he'd had enough of her "jokes" as well.

I agree. Why on earth would OP even comment to her DIL about the cleanliness/tidyness of her daughter's home? What an absolutely dull conversation that would be. Why on earth would OP think that her DIL would be interested? OP is either a raging bore or a passive-aggressive judgemental arse.

I can guarantee that will be just one example of stupid said you’ve said to undermine her piss her off. Your frosty relationship isn’t the result of just one comment four years ago.

And why on earth would be “invited to do nappy changes” that is bizarre.

Another point for OP to think about is if she genuinely didn't mean this comment as a dig, maybe she needs to think about how she communicates with people.
There are very few people that like being compared negatively to others.
And also very few people that like having their homes (and will you be making "comments, definitely not digs" about how they bring up their child when older?) criticised.

So maybe just don't do either of these things?

What about inviting her out when you’re nearby instead of popping in and putting her on edge?

along the lines of “I’m in the area next week I’d love to take you and baby out for lunch if you’re free? My treat of course, you deserve a little looking after”

I think you do have to remember that not everyone likes “popping in” especially when they’ve got a new baby.

I also think it’ll be at least as much the on going comments about the dd’s housekeeping as the dust comment - how does that even come up in conversation, mentioning someone else’s housekeeping?

Do you think you are a bit over fixated on housekeeping and being clean and tidy, and it’s this the DIL has picked up on? It certainly isn’t usual to carry on a joke about DS’s messy bedroom when he’s proudly showing you his new home.

I didn’t really think anyone ran their finger over someone else’s surfaces in real life.

And as everyone has said, being invited up for nappy changes is not a thing.

I would definitely apologise but also expect things to remain similar - remember that many people consider “popping in” by anyone a fate worse than death!

I find it weird that you want to help with nappy changes and bathtimes. I'd have been really surprised if my DM had expected to do that.

I wouldn’t apologise but change how you interact in the future

give her some praise and just let them know you’re always happy to help where needed

Because it was her that did the cleaning so saying the house was dirty was obvs going to be offensive

She’s being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home

Well then that’s fine for you. Other people may feel differently

I always went upstairs for nappy changes with my babies, it’s normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

(never once did I invite my mum or mil or anyone else to come with me).

OP, I guarantee this won’t have been the only thing you’ve said.

I think your expectations may be a little unrealistic. My parents only changed nappies/did bed time if they were looking after the DC.

lots of people don’t like announced visits. Your comment has upset your DIL (I can see both sides). Ideally they should have said something at the time- I think it has probably gone on too long now but I would apologise.

However, you have a good relationship with your DS and see DGC regularly- focus on that.

You shouldn’t compare your relationship with your DD to your relationship with DIL- it was always going to be different.

Anyone imagining Marie from Everyone Loves Raymond ?

You don’t need to ‘praise’ her as she’s not a toddler. Just refrain from ‘joking’ and be respectful.

And remember that if your DS and DIL ever split, your relationship with her will probably determine how much you see the GC.

@Yogarunningcoffee , for reference I have two sons, no daughters and two lovely DILs.
I really can’t think what was going through your head when you made that comment and it seems you’ve compounded it since. Try and put yourself in your DIL’s place no wonder she doesn’t want you popping in unannounced.
Of course you should apologise, grovelingly I suggest. Beg for forgiveness and ask to start again and then shower the poor woman with genuine compliments, this must be so difficult for your son and should probably apologise to him too.

Whenever you hear "it was ooooooooonly a joke" you 100% know it was most definitely not a joke and not funny.

OP has disappeared, what a surprise!

Who likes unplanned visitors? My absolute worst nightmare, regardless of whether I like the person or not. Visits should be planned. Of course you should apologise but that should have been doen 4 years ago. Your argument to that is probably that they didn't tell you it upset them, but the sort of person that can say such a thing and then not even realise how fucking rude it is, isn't someone I'd want to be around either, and certainly not unexpectedly.

It absolutely isn't something people do 🤣 never in a million years would I invite someone to a nappy change or want to be invited to one.

Sorry, what?? No you can't tell other people that their own house needs a tidy. Wtf???

You need to think deeper.

Its not about dust, it's about judgement. The people saying 'it was one comment'
You HAVE to be mean spirited to check someone's house for dust. That mean spirited streak isn't going to just stop at that one comment is it? She also makes comments about how clean her daughters house is to them! There's likely a million other things.

My Mum regularly commented on the dust …I really didn’t care ,actually my MIL was tricky about stuff but I never held it against her …life is too short!

Well woopty doo for you I guess?

Honestly though, some people have been bought up to feel inadequate, I did by my step mum, nothing is ever right, they constantly make little 'jokes' (digs) to put you down, to purposely make you feel like you aren't good enough, no matter how hard you try (and you do!). MILs can be just the same and at some point in your life you can choose that you don't want to suffer it.. some people do that by cleaning to within an inch of their life to not give them any ammo to shoot you with (like OPs DIL), or some people choose to think fuck it and go no contact (like me), or some people just think "whatever!" (like you)

I'm like you now, after 20 years of it, I won't suffer criticism from anyone, take me or leave me, and luckily I've got a lovely MIL who I love like a mum. But I fully understand people like OPs DIL who don't want to invite that into their home more then they absolutely have to, if nothing is ever good enough, it never will be.

It's OP that needs to learn to be a decent human being here, not her DIL.