Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I dont get why you would even notice/care if there is dust in their house. What harm does it do.

I think an apology is the right thing to do. It’s not going to undo the ‘damage’ but it shows you understand it wasn’t the best thing to say and that it’s put unnecessary pressure on your DIL. I think it’s great that your son felt able to tell you this though - to me it means he is comfortable enough to be honest which plenty of people seem incapable of doing with their parents. I would, if you haven’t already, thank him for being honest and explaining what might be going on so you can try and make amends.

I think it’s important to say that your apology shouldn’t be seen as transactional - you should apologise because you feel bad, not because you want something in return re your GC. Your relationship with your DIL is always going to be different to you DD and you need to be mindful that if you didn’t pop in for coffee to see your DIL before she had kids, your relationship post kids will probs continue to be more structured. Plus a lot of people aren’t ‘pop in’ people especially post kids! I’d also think about what you do when you pop in to see your DIL/son. Do they ‘host’ you or do you help them. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be hosted by your kids, it just makes planned visits more likely as you’re adding to the list of people they need to care for rather than taking jobs off their hands. If they have kids, they may not want to host late afternoon when they already have cranky kids to deal with!

Fucking hell.
Seriously?

Don’t link the two try to build bridges. Drop off treats on the door and leave.
leave flowers on the door and leave
silently make efforts to be a different person. Never compare. Never complain and praise praise praise

Some of us hate people just dropping by and want things arranged in advance. It seems that you are trying to circumvent a clear boundary that is being set.

You can't expect DiL to be like your DD and comparing the two is really unhelpful.

I think you should - with DS's advance knowledge & blessing - write a sincere apology in a card explaining you know you don't always get things right but you do love and appreciate her etc. Maybe drop it off on the doorstep with a nice present, something just for her that she will really appreciate and shows thought and care.

Depends, do you feel sorry and do you think you can think before you speak in the future before you say something that could be unintentionally rude and judgmental?

Do you think you can respect their privacy and space if she does accept it ?

I think if you must examine how you want your relationship with you daughter in law to be. If you just want access to the child and you’re not interested in her and her feelings, I think you should leave it as it is.

Strange isn’t it? It’s almost like some people have different ideas about what is acceptable.

It sounds like OP is able to spend plenty of time with her GC, which is what this is about. She doesn’t sound sorry for what she said, just sorry that she can’t go round whenever she wants to.

I’m AUDHD and even I know that you only make comments like that either to be snide or as a joke with people who know it’s a joke and won’t take offence

You have shown who you are - your DIL listened.
it might have been a joke to you - but a joke at someone else’s expense isn’t really funny.

When a grandparent ever referred to any of my children as “my grandchild” my hackles automatically went up. It’s subtle but it suggests some sort of ownership or entitlement. If, as well as the digs over the years about their cleaning and comparing DS & DIL with your DD you use this phrase, I can see why they are upset.

You thought it was ok saying these things at the time and now only want to apologise because its effects you doing what you want?

I've been in DILs shoes when my children were babies, exactly the same position, and believe me, she'll see it the same way and it will not clear the air and enable you to live how you want and do what you want, my eldest is 23 now and I STILL hate people turning up unannounced or last minute visits

You've made her feel inferior to your daughter, and that will never be fixed. Damage is done I reckon

Your best bet is to sit her down and give her a heartfelt apology and say you really were just joking because the house was obviously immaculate. It was a dick move at the time though so quite hard to dig yourself out of that one now.

Also - I don’t want anyone just dropping by. I don’t my answer the door unless I am expecting someone. You are not entitled to people’s time.

I’d be pretty annoyed if my MIL made comments like this too. The dust one I could get past, but I don’t see what purpose there is in telling them your daughters house is immaculate, other than to make a dig. I’d probably be the same - happy to see you but I’d want time for a full house clean before you arrived.

I would have hated it if my inlaws had just 'dropped in' when the kids were babies. I wouldn't have allowed it. It was always at set times, on my terms. My own parents know that I would hate unexpected visitors so wouldn't do that anyway. It's actually quite controlling to just turn up at someone's house and expect them to drop everything to entertain you.

You can apologise but doubt it will change anything. Should have kept your mouth shut!! Who comments on dust in peoples homes anyway?!?

You sound like a nightmare. And a bit obtuse if you really don't see the difference in having your mum around versus your mother-in-law.

You can apologise but what would be the point really? You're not actually sorry, you just want to get more access to her baby.

Same here - shouldn’t wind me up but it really does.

When can I see my grandchildren, how are MY grandchildren.
My grandchildren love coming to nanny’s don’t they.

Ask me how I am? Given I created and birthed them and we kind of come as a package. But no, I’m merely the incubator for HER grandkids.

She wants to check for dust in the baby’s bedroom!

I gree absolutely.
Hopefully many of the posters wouldn't acually behave like that in real life!

Untrue.

Maybe your DD’s house is immaculate because she picked a far better husband - someone who pulls his weight and at the least does his fair share - than your poor DIL did.

This sounds a lot like projection?

The intent is irrelevant. OP was sniping - she doesn’t have a jokey relationship with her DIL.

The ‘I was only joking’ line is the oldest trick in the book and is used to gaslight people.

It's not really a two-person job! And certainly not a job for someone who 'jokes' about dust.

Do you really agree with this? I think the exact opposite, personally. Women, like OP, in 2026 bringing up dust and how immaculately her DD keeps things as though it's some sort of achievement to be lauded? How disappointing.

You can bet your arse I would keep her at arm's length in real life. But I already think she's overstepping by constantly wanting to drop in and change the child's nappy.

Sounds like boundaries are as foreign a concept to OP as manners are.