Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I dont get why you would even notice/care if there is dust in their house. What harm does it do.

I think an apology is the right thing to do. It’s not going to undo the ‘damage’ but it shows you understand it wasn’t the best thing to say and that it’s put unnecessary pressure on your DIL. I think it’s great that your son felt able to tell you this though - to me it means he is comfortable enough to be honest which plenty of people seem incapable of doing with their parents. I would, if you haven’t already, thank him for being honest and explaining what might be going on so you can try and make amends.

I think it’s important to say that your apology shouldn’t be seen as transactional - you should apologise because you feel bad, not because you want something in return re your GC. Your relationship with your DIL is always going to be different to you DD and you need to be mindful that if you didn’t pop in for coffee to see your DIL before she had kids, your relationship post kids will probs continue to be more structured. Plus a lot of people aren’t ‘pop in’ people especially post kids! I’d also think about what you do when you pop in to see your DIL/son. Do they ‘host’ you or do you help them. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be hosted by your kids, it just makes planned visits more likely as you’re adding to the list of people they need to care for rather than taking jobs off their hands. If they have kids, they may not want to host late afternoon when they already have cranky kids to deal with!

Fucking hell.
Seriously?

Don’t link the two try to build bridges. Drop off treats on the door and leave.
leave flowers on the door and leave
silently make efforts to be a different person. Never compare. Never complain and praise praise praise