Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Perhaps, you should re-read what they said in its entirety context vs berating them over a little bit of what they said.

They asked why is OP asking if she should apologise when she has learned that her past comments have caused an issue and said in their opinion a decent person would.

The second gave advice, which OP asked for, to apologise but do it genuinely and without expectations which many other posters have said.

That is not saying that OP isn’t decent, it is questioning why they haven’t just apologised already.

Off the little bit OP has said, her son told her it was more than one comment and other comments have been about how clean their daughter’s home is and daughter has a baby which is also said in the first post yet some of you seem to be ignoring that tidbit over or skim read.

Some have added things weirdly that aren’t there nor has OP mentioned - DIL’s relationship with her own mum.

My guess from the little OP has written, she isn’t close to her DIL and her son compared to her daughter because surely if she was close to her son, he would have told his wife that OP makes these comments and not to take them personal or serious, that they don’t mean anything especially since they’ve been together for over four years which is when the comment OP is on about was made and the couple had just moved in so likely have been together for longer.

4+ years is enough time to get the measure of someone when it comes to such jokes and comments.

One day some of you will become MIL yourselves. Only then will you realise how difficult it is to get the balance right, for fear of offending your DIL. It is exhausting!!!!

I look forward to becoming a MIL and I can honestly say I will never run my finger in dust!

I am sure you will get something wrong!!

My late MIL did exactly the same thing to me, coming down the stairs in our first home - that was almost fifty years ago - I never forgot it , nor forgave , for that matter.
It's a horrible thing to do.

@Missmousie Yes you are right. Holding a grudge for 50 years for one comment is a horrible thing to do. I bet holding the grudge made you miserable and your DH was probably pretty miserable as well. Any DC were probably told about this comment and it impacted their relationship with their DGM. She may have been a horrible woman who wanted to make your life a misery or she may have been someone who made a mistake who you could have grown to have a relationship of kindness with.
You could be my mother, she did that and her constant bleating about comments made before I was born damaged my relationship with my DGM and in the end made me think less of my DM.

Well done you for holding on to that bitterness.

@Thetreesaregreeninspring - Well, you do make an awful lot of assumptions - don't you. I've never been miserable about it neither has my husband and as for affecting relationships with grandchildren you've made a huge and unwarranted leap.
Finally , I have never, ever belated about it , I'm an adult human being not a sheep.

Sorry for typo I meant bleated and not belated.

@Thetreesaregreeninspring Are you the OP using a different account?

The OP posted their personal life on Mumsnet for the usual Mumsnet dissection- with AITA poll and everything. They are getting the feedback they asked for. I’ve not seen one rude comment, just lots of people pointing out what OP does not apparently have the self-awareness to understand. It might seem harsh but the OP has been particularly blind to how it might feel being the DIL.

Your attitude that if someone says something rude/misjudged there should be no consequences and they should be forgiven without offering any apology, is frankly bizarre? That’s why I wonder if you are the OP or someone who suffers from a similar lack of self-awareness in a way that has damaged your own family relationships?

@Linnende I don’t think it’s difficult, just don’t be a dick!

REALLY!!!

@Linnende Yes really….

Instead of being judgemental, or positioning yourself as “competition” to your DIL, making snide comments on their housekeeping or parenting, making comparisons to their own daughters or relationships with their own mother - just start the MIL/DIL relationship off at someone who makes your son happy and get to know them.

IE behave like a normal person and don’t be a dick. It’s not complicated.

I do all of the above suggestions and more, to the point that I make very little contact with my DIL's (birthday's and christmas) for fear of offending them. I am always kind and considerate and this still isn't enough (I feel this is a sad situation, as I desperately would like to be valued and included at times and not seen as an after thought or an obligation). I keep my opinions to myself and only give advice if it is asked for. What more can I do?

I had a wonderful mother in law, who sadly did not live close to us. We included her where we could, and updated her in everything to do with our 5 sons upbringing. Her advice was priceless. I always felt sad that she lived so far away and could not see them grow up and observe their individual milestones. It was in the days when there were no mobile phones and you communicated by sending letters and printed photo's, which I did every week.
The OP knows she was wrong and wishes to make amends, good for her. She has learn't a tough lesson. I hope her DIL forgives her xx

@Poppyfie1ds In terms of consequences there is a big difference between pulling someone up and saying “hold on don’t be rude about my house” and bearing a grudge for 50 years.
@Missmousie has managed to hold the grudge for 50 years without any apparent consequences which makes me wonder why go to the trouble of holding the grudge? Couldn’t you just say something and then move on.
My issue is the total overreaction to one comment, lifelong bitterness for one comment strikes me as over the top.

It’s called schema. Most sensible humans and plenty of animals too, have one bad experience and don’t go back for a second or third bad experience from the same person. It’s not holding onto a grudge for 50 years, it’s learning the first time and not seeing any significant change enough to think the same wouldn’t happen again?

Why is it so important to you that people who make thoughtless comments are not painted as the ‘bad guy’ while you expect those on the receiving end to absorb the blame?

@Poppyfie1ds probably because you are not perfect and have more than likely offended someone at some point or another in your life. Probably worse than making a comment about a bit of dust too.

@Firefly1987 Exactly, we all make mistakes. It would be a very harsh work if schema act as suggested by @Poppyfie1ds one mistake and that’s it your done. I can only imagine how perfect someone posters must be, never put their foot in it, never make mistakes, never need to ask for forgiveness.
Perhaps it’s my residual Christian upbringing where I believe to err is human, we all make mistakes and that forgiveness is something to strive towards.
It is important to me that, while setting boundaries against abuse, we are able to forgive each other - each other - as we all make mistakes. I’m over invested in this thread because the level of bitterness and grudge holding is awful. Poster and poster piling in to encourage lack or forgiveness, continuing bitterness, bad guys and good guys, DiLs vs MiLs with MiLs as the evil witches of mythology.

If someone is being abusive set boundaries by all means, someone saying something stupid and thoughtless does not mean they are not a decent person, does mean they are a bad guy, does not mean you should hold a grudge for fifty fucking years ffs.

Op if you want to see more of baby spontaneously then when know when you’ll be in their village text them both on a group chat and say
I’ll be in village on Tuesday finishing appointment around 12 lll head to x coffee shop for lunch in case you and baby are free to join, or I could take baby out for a pram walk on lunch break if that would be helpful at all to give you a rest xx
this is making it up to DIL and lets you see baby without her having you in their possibly untidy home.

Why do you think someone who said something stupid should be forgiven and given the benefit of the doubt but someone who has experienced a hurt strong enough that it’s not forgotten 50 years later deserves to be maligned with swear words? That does not seem very forgiving?

I would really not have taken this as a joke and it would’ve pissed me off too, and that on top of the comparisons to your daughter’s house would’ve made it even worse. Also, I would hate for my partner’s mother (or anyone really), to just “pop in”randomly, I could be in the middle of something or wanting a bit of peace and quiet and sitting around until someone feels they have the appropriate length of a visit would drive me mad. To add, neither side of my children’s family have been invited upstairs to help with nappy changes, it’s a one person job and that person is me or my partner, we’re their parents. Same with bath time, it’s not to entertain anyone, it’s a functional necessity and doesn’t need an audience getting in the way (my children are 2 and 10 months). I would apologise for the previous comments though because they were pretty rude.

@Poppyfie1ds The swearing is being used as a general expletive for emphasis and impact. It is not directed at someone to malign them, ie I am not saying YOU are a fucking idiot - using fuck as an adjective to describe a person. I am saying “fifty fucking years” using fuck as an intensifier, to demonstrate my extreme exasperation at how long people can hold a grudge.
Fuck is not being used to malign, but to intensify. Fuck is an extremely flexible word.
However, if you want to defend, holding a grudge, extracting revenge and sulking knock yourself out. I think it’s all very sad and a bit desperate.

Yet, the DIL is still having her MIL over despite OP’s comments. MIL is still seeing grandchild regularly, just not able to pop over whenever she wants to like she does with her daughter which many posters have pointed out, they wouldn’t be happy with anyone deciding to pop over unannounced for many reasons and wouldn’t expect to be helped with nappy changes.

If you desire a partner to help change a nappy, you do you, but many of us can and would just do it on our own and not think of inviting a family member along to help.

As I said upthread, OP likely makes these comments without realising/thinking and if it was all just jokes and a big misunderstanding, surely her son would tell his wife that is just OP’s humour (although many have pointed out, they wouldn’t find OP’s comment and action funny and think it be a bit weird to be telling how clean your daughter’s house is to other family members) or just the way she is and not to take it personal.

Instead, he pointed out that OP has made several comments that likely fed into her “joke” that has likely cemented DIL’s view on MIL over 4 years and I suspect OP wasn’t particularly close to the DIL in the first place and wasn’t that bothered by not being able to pop in until a baby entered the picture. Her not being able to see grandchild when and often as she pleases is not a necessity.

Before you go on about grudges, my mother has held a 40+ year grudge against my dad’s family and hadn’t stepped foot in his parents house since the incident that caused the grudge (something about her coming over to and no one speaking to her) and they and several of his siblings have never been inside our home but have been in our garden, BUT I still saw my father’s side regularly 3-5 times a week for 16 years before I went off to uni because he took me to see them and my mother got to go home and have alone time.

It didn’t make me see my dad’s side any different and honestly the ones on my dad’s side my mother does get along with are the ones that I don’t go out of my way to talk to.

Why does OP need to have more access than she already has? Why should the DIL have OP pop into her home whenever OP wants? From the read of things, seems like the DIL has her own schedule for baby, so could also be another reason, DIL doesn’t want OP dropping by whenever.

Why does OP’s wants to see her grandchild even more trump the comfort of her DIL in her own home?

DIL may forgive OP and still want to keep things as they are and OP will just have to accept that.