Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

So really you’ve had several digs. Why????

I wouldn’t apologise I would try to shift the dynamic by commenting what a lovely meal etc. Nothing obvious.

But she’ll never want you to pop in. Most people don’t. I hate the pop in concept myself!

Also stay away from nappy changes u less she asks you.

Finally why doesn’t your son do any housework? Sounds like they were both working when you made your first comment.

You could apologise but it might be better to just change tack and start giving some compliments (but not over the top). Notice what your DIL does well and be positive (and not compliments about how tidy her house is). This can be moved past but it will take time.

I think the solution is to stop focusing on how you get the exact relationship you want, and instead put your energy into making the relationship you have the very best it can be. By that I mean, don't push her boundaries. But when you do meet up as planned really make an effort to enjoy those times and get on with DIL better, without agenda or aiming for any more than that.

Op you weren’t joking you made your dil feel embarrassed because her house wasn’t immaculate why would you think it was your son if he was crap at home. Your not welcome randomly because of this she feels she has to make everything nice before you visit you can’t judge her. so now she lets you visit when it’s clean and if you do go on about your dd being immaculate you do sound like your having a go even if you apologised she won’t trust you.

Being able to pop in when you like and being asked to go upstairs/help with baby are all things that you would only do if you were totally comfortable and relaxed with that person' presence.

You have made it clear from day one that her standards are not good enough for you, and you continue to hammer home the point that your DD has much better standards than her, so why would you expect her to be relaxed around you?.. Your son should have told you years ago to keep your opinions to yourself, not that anyone should need to be told NOT to critique other peoples cleaning, you're lucky you get invited at all!

I know my MIL has way better standards than me, their house is immaculate and ours has a constant undertone of mess, but she is a thoroughly nice, decent person who has been nothing but loving and supportive of me, she would also never dream of making snide comments in a 'jokey' way, she is always welcome to come round whenever she pleases.

Don’t bother apologising, it’s too late. You are clearly cross that you can’t go round all the time and go with her to change the child’s nappy and I imagine she’s well aware of it.

To be honest you would put me on edge. Your behaviour is intrusive. Your relationship with your daughter is different.

(Also my abusive bio father used to do that to my mum and his mother even bought him a white glove so it’s actually quite a nasty ‘joke’.)

I think you are lucky that you are allowed to be involved at all, but the damage is done.

This. I apologise but make it meaningful and also get her a sorry gift to show that you really mean it.

And your ‘jokes’ sound very passive aggressive. Perhaps read the room. If it was me, I would never feel comfortable around you.

Oh I have just seen this bit

He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

Bloody hell. I’m not surprised she has taken it as a dig - added to your attitude about their house, I would too.

its okay to joke about stuff like that if you have that kind of relationship but you don’t. I think if you apologise she may see that as you doing it so you can have more access to your grandchild.

Just stop with the comparisons and nasty little digs jokes.

I tend to agree with this.
Yes, my MIL made 'jokes' like this and always talked about her DD in the highest terms.
Yes, I hated it.
But I did manage to aee past it.
Doubtless I said and did things that really wound her up, too.
OP is mortified by what she said and I think it's a bit OTT that she has not received any sympathy.
Perhaps unsurprising in MN.
Op has stated her mistake openly. She's asked for advice and all she's really had has been a deluge of criticisms and being told she's made her bed etcetera.
It can be very difficult being a MIL and we all make mistakes, including DILs.

If that’s your only offence as a MIL then think DIL needs a hobby! I was never a domestic goddess and my Mum regularly commented on the dust …I really didn’t care ,actually my MIL was tricky about stuff but I never held it against her …life is too short!

Edit: sorry, duplicate post

Well, yes, I guess. it was invasive some of the time. And she could be very critical. But I sort of steered her in the directions I could live with 😀

I don't think it would do any harm to apologise but don't link it to anything else like how often you see them and when.
Your relationship with your daughter in law isn't going to be the same as with your daughter, it's not unusual for there to be the difference you've noticed - don't make it into a thing.

Very wise words. And as a pp said, you do need to read the room, rather than saying whatever comes into your head! Who on earth would actually run their finger over furniture and declare it dusty, in someone else’s house, even as a joke?
Also I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig. No shit, Sherlock!

Same, MIL kept dropping in and letting herself in with the emergency key after DD was born. She’s also ring the bell and yell “heellooooo!!” Just in case anyone was napping…

I like my MIL but at all the same as my mum. Especially with baby stuff, it’s hard to say no/push back if your MIL isn’t doing it the way you’d prefer.

I think you should apologise and explain. An apology without an explanation often means nothing.

I think you have to be prepared for your DIL not to trust you ever again, even with an apology. It sounds like you have made her very insecure. But you will have to live with that as a box of chocolates and an apology is unlikely to undo the last few years.

Of course she might be fine about it - who knows?

You’ve cocked up OP - and you haven’t noticed for years what your little comments have been doing to your son and DIL. You’ve only noticed now because you don’t like the consequences of your actions and you’re not getting your own way (ie to pop in unannounced any time you want into your son and daughter in laws safe space). Invitations into someone’s home and a relationship with their child only comes after you show respect to their parents.
the damage here is likely to be forever done - your daughter in law is I’ll know that your apology and change of attitude is only because you want access to her child.

This

ypu have made it clear how much you value a clean house above anything else. There’s no way I’d let you in my house without warning either