Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

If I were your DIL even if you apologised I would know what you were really thinking. I also think your comments about your daughter keeping a spotless house with a baby show what you think is important. I would assume you were judging me and the house. I also wouldn’t invite anyone to help change the babies nappy. It doesn’t need an audience.

Why would you think it was funny to make a comment about someone’s housekeeping?!

“He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby”

Could you maybe try harder to think before you speak?! You were either having a dig at your DIL but if not you were having a dig at your son? Why make such comments and comparisons?

I can see why she has cooled the relationship with you.

Also no one ever changed my babies’ nappies. Or did baths. I don’t see those things as communal activities.

I took the joke to be from a parent to their child nothing to do with the dil, sure like lots of jokes not exactly funny but np idea why on eaeth the op has to apologise

Anyway, you chose to make a dickish comment so surely you can't be surprised when someone felt hurt by it.

When my dc were young babies, having some semblance of a routine in the day was what kept me sane and usually meant I got a bit of sleep. Maybe try to respect that rather than wanting them to drop everything and feel like they need to dust every surface.

My Mum loves coming up to help with nappy changes. I never ask, she just says, I’ll give you a hand. I think she just likes seeing his cute tummy and legs. She sings and entertains while I change the nappy. Totally unnecessary but quite sweet.

You haven't got a clue have you? You have damaged the relationship with your DIL irrevocably and I imagine your son is none too keen on you

What a very stupid and unkind thing to say

And lauding your daughters housekeeping prowess after dissing your DIL?

You are not a nice person nor are you emotionally intelligent

It doesn't matter what you say.

She doesn't want a relationship with you. And your weak son doesn't want to facilitate one.

Even if you hadn't said that she probably would have found a different excuse.

Mums of sons cant win

Yes apologise, it can only help. Having to feel like she has to deep clean before you arrive will have been so exhausting for her as a new mum. And the ongoing digs would have been horrible. I’ve loved this and now am LC with my inkaws. But they don’t give a shit about seeing my baby anyway. This is all in you and I’m team DIL and huge respect to her for holding a non dairy and saying no to you poppi g in. That takes strength

Not a very tactful remark! - but DIL has taken it rather excessively hard.

I had a grandma who used to do this and look in my cupboards to see if they were clean - she was sorely disappointed but luckily I did not give a toss!

However, even if you feel your DIL has over-reacted to what you saw as a joke, I do wonder if there might not be some other problems going on here ....
I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

There is no reason on earth why your DIL should invite you to do these things - why would she? It sounds more as if you want to do these things.

I do think you should apologise whilst at the same time telling yourself not to have inappropriate expectations. But before you do you need to make sure that your son has told her of the conversation you have had with him and that he feels it might be a helpful thing to do.

You should apologise because of it made her feel and how it drives her to behave - if infact you don’t mean for your comment to have impacted her in the way it has.

It is not just the one comment in the past is it, it is ongoing. You’re not seeing it or not acknowledging what your son has taken the time to tell you.

Your tone of questioning as to whether you should apologise doesn’t reflect that you are actually sorry. It suggest that your apology is to see if DIL will allow you a relationship with your GC. Think about this first because any apology you make your intention will come across to your DIL/DS. You have once chance here and you must first chose to acknowledge that your words and actions have caused consequences that you claim to not have considered before.

Why do you expect DIL to behave in the same way as your dd? She isn’t your daughter, you’re not her mum. You were rude and your comment was really cheap.

Who (?!) would look around the NEW home of someone they live and care about, and comment on dust/cleaning, even jokingly?!?
It was a dig.

Wait until you're invited.

You've already been rude AF to her in her own home. You were a bitch and everybody knows it. Apologies won't fix their opinion of you.

The nasty digs that my MIL has made at me are not forgotten. They weren’t said in jest and neither was yours. It’s just now it’s affecting you that it’s came to light.

Right, but in making that comment you were saying to them "I am the sort of person who will check for dust and bring it as a topic of conversation".

So regardless, that is what probably sticks in her mind.

Oh no

She made one comment.

Now any chance of relationship is gone.

People are way too sensitive these days, and use any excuse.

The truth is Op she never wanted a relationship in the first place and just has a great excuse.

Are you concerned she isn't changing nappies ' properly '? Or you want to offer ' helpful guidance' on any slight hint of nappy rash?

Right, but what did you think was funny about saying it in the first place? Can you explain your thought process?

If someone made a comment like that to me, I'd think they were a right cow.

I wouldn't accept an apology from someone like you OP.

In fact you're lucky she lets you anywhere near her home.

And what makes you think a grown woman needs you to help her change a nappy anyway?

It wasn't about joke and you know well it wasn't. It was a really rude snide remark.

Tbh you wouldn't ever be invited to my house again if you were my MIL.

In terms of being invited upstairs for nappy changes etc stop comparing your DD and DIL. You will never have the same relationship. Especially considering how your DIL will forever be on edge with you around... tolerating you because she loves your son.

Definitely apologise

I suspect you are/will be, a terrible MIL.

The truth is Op she never wanted a relationship in the first place and just has a great excuse.

Well who would really?

My mother in law did very similar to me. It was at a time where I was having such difficulty with my own family and I think I was desperate to be accepted. This made it cut much deeper. It was very hurtful at a fragile time and I would get so stressed whenever they would be coming to visit. This also impacted on my husband and I and added so much unnecessary pressure.
I really wish I didn’t care but I did.
It has definitely impacted the trajectory of our relationship and I know I will be judged instead of accepted.
Be grateful you still have a relationship.

If course you should apologise. Say what you've said here.

As for being invited to join in a nappy change, that's just a bit weird. It's not really a spectator sport is it?

I'm assuming you are very house proud. There's nothing wrong with that but that can sometimes be intimidating for people who aren't.. I have a friend whose house is immaculate and I hate it when she pops in, I feel she must be judging me. You comment about how clean your daughter's house is which is an odd topic of conversation.