AIBU to feel he should have told me about his cancer earlier?

[Felicidad88]

I have been online dating after 8 years of celibacy following my partner’s death from pancreatic cancer. I met a man within a week and stayed with him for six months, but we weren’t compatible long term, so we split up and I met a new guy a month ago. Things have progressed well, and we slept together on our fourth date last week. A few days later, he told me he had to go to London for a medical appointment-it turns out he has cancer. I cannot possibly go through that again, but it feels awful to say I don’t want to be with him due to his diagnosis. It’s not an aggressive cancer like my partner had, it’s prostrate but it’s still cancer. AIBU to think he should’ve told me before?

💐 sending you support

I’m absolutely not judging because I’ve done it myself, but if you’re happy to have sex after four dates you can’t also expect that the other person will have disclosed deeply personal or difficult information about themselves. If you want full disclosure you’re going to need to delay the sex, possibly for quite a long time. Nobody tells someone else all the difficult stuff in the first couple of weeks.

I get that the information about his cancer feels hugely relevant to the OP, for good reasons, but the guy is probably mostly concerned with his own fear/treatment, which is a normal reaction. I’d be more worried about the love bombing, which is often a bad sign.

He doesn’t need to be a shithead for you to break up with him. You can end it just because that’s what is best for you. Dating as a mature adult with baggage is always emotionally spiky — honestly, when I was doing it I found it really miserable, and it was very tempting to blame the men for the way I was feeling, but looking back I think it’s just a structurally shit process.

Yes I saw, that is why I asked the question. I was interested as to your opinion with the new context. I thought the sex was serious around the same time.

I disagree that I’m making it all about me. I wasn’t sure that it would turn into a LTR and now I feel bad that he may be relying on me and how hurt he’d be if I ended it. So I’m thinking about his feelings as well.

Given he knew about you losing your husband to cancer, I do think he should have told you. The cynical side of me would be worried he wants someone to lean on and to nurse him. I would probably get out now op if it was me. Stay friends if you want but keep your distance. You know you don’t want to go through a similar experience again, and he knows this too, so he’s really only thinking of himself. You mention your kids - I doubt they’d want you to deal with this again so soon either and would worry about you. End it now. Yes, if it’s caught early he may well be fine, I know a couple of men who came through it, but you don’t know that (and to bring up something even more delicate, the treatments for prostate cancer can really affect your sex life - something you/he dont want to talk about maybe, but real nonetheless).

According to the stats 50% of people will develop cancer in their lifetime, so it’s pretty hard to avoid. Some cancers have really high survival rates, with new treatments all the time. Prostate Cancer has a very high survival rates, if he’s stage 1 he may well have not felt the need to say anything.

I see this from both sides
maybe you telling him this inadvertently stopped him from telling you about his cancer perhaps?
it’s a really difficult one I guess it depends on how much you like this guy.

Well-it wasn’t a one night stand, I’d say it was a step taken earlier than intended into a new relationship which showed promise and was very respectful and starting to get romantic. Although there had only been four dates, there were numerous FaceTime calls and messages. It felt like the start of something.

OP it's perfectly understandable to not want to go through this again, and he was an utter shit not to tell you before being intimate.

I think you need to walk away here, and next time, get to know someone much better before you are intimate with them as it's just leading you to more heartache right now.

Oh ok. My option is changing the more she posts. Her comment in her OP about being celibate (not single) for 8 years after her DH died, struck me as important to her. Then saying they had sex then he told her 3 days later & asking if he should have told her first seemed important to her.

but given she's now said she was happy to have casual sex with him, I'm struggling to see the issue really.

but I think knowing her DH had died from cancer He should have been more open about his cancer from the beginning, as she was about her situation.

It’s not a long term relationship, so you should not feel bad ending it.

I think your reaction to his disclosure is more visceral than logical. He will feel hurt, but he isn’t your partner of many years that you stood by until the end. You need to consider his feelings about breaking up less as much as you need to consider your own feelings about coping with a partner that has cancer again.

It is easier to be angry at when he disclosed than it is to openly admit to him what you have said here- you can’t go through it again. And yes prostate cancer is one that if caught early is not life limiting but it will require lifelong monitoring and would be a sword hanging over your heads.

It is ok to want a LTR with no cancer in it and take your chances elsewhere.

Agree

Yabu

It is something starting but you’re not committed. It is ok to stop the relationship without searching for a reason and casting blame. These early days are to see if you are compatible anyway, and he clearly is not because he has cancer and you not unreasonably cannot go through cancer for better or worse with another partner right now.

I don’t think I trauma dumped on him. The conversation on the first date went something like this-

When was your last long term relationship?
9 years ago.
Are you still on good terms?
Unfortunately he died of cancer.
Oh no! That must have been awful!
Yes, it was horrendous for all of us- but it’s a long time ago. How’s your lemon sole?

Is that a trauma dump? @Catza

I'm not sure anybody is being unreasonable here. It's not unreasonable for him to wait a few dates before revealing that he has cancer. (tbh I am not sure it is unreasonable of him to wait until after you've had sex either - if I had cancer and really really wanted a shag with someone lovely, I might keep it on the dl too! - said more than half tongue in cheek).

BUT more importantly, it is not at all unreasonable of you not to want to start a new relationship with somebody who has cancer, and it is not at all unreasonable of you to stop seeing him now. Just because he has cancer and you've slept together doesn't mean you are in any way 'locked in' to be his carer. Whether or not he was sneakily counting on you to feel guilty enough to become his emotional support animal/girlfriend/carer by not telling you until now doesn't really matter.

Any reason is good enough for not proceeding with a relationship after 4 dates. And if he's reaching out for you to support him already, that's needy and off-putting. If you need permission to stop seeing him or even block him, you have it.

There’s no right or wrong in this scenario. All you should focus on now is deciding if you want a relationship with him or not. If not, then just tell him and you can both move on.

No, but to me, that does sound like you are deflecting away from the topic, so it didn't follow logically that he would turn back to a traumatic topic straight away.

Same same. My opinion is shifting. I’m more sympathetic the more the OP posts.

I would be suspicious re his intentions from the beginning - asking you on the first date when he can call you his girlfriend is very very unusual.
And combined with the lovebombing ... he was trying to get you 'locked in' asap, to be with him through his cancer journey. Imo.

I don't blame him, it's a really scary thing (my partner has prostate cancer, under control, but it's still 'the C word').

But i don't blame you either for not wanting, or not being able, to support him through it.

I would gently explain this to him, then walk away.
I wouldn't stay friends with him either, because you'd still be doing the supporting bit without the sex!

That’s not a trauma dump OP. You may have given impression you were not currently sensitive about cancer.

Honestly I think he told you at about the right time. It was never going to be an easy thing to say or to hear. Realistically you're only a few weeks in to the relationship, you've had four dates and had sex once, and by the sound of things both of you want to take things further. So now is the time to get the big issues in the open. Neither of you are very deeply committed yet, you can both still walk away without damaging each other.

You seem to feel guilty because you don't want to go through cancer again. But there's no need. You can be honest with him as he's been honest with you. Prostate cancer is very different but if you really don't want / feel ready for this relationship then now's the time to say. It's too soon for him to be relying on you, you are not responsible for his feelings about having cancer, and if he is already relying on you then that is not your issue, it is his problem. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

This says it perfectly.

I’m sorry about your husband.

I think he should have told you. I would have liked to have known. Even early prostate cancer can have quite significant impact on your life. The hormone blockers are brutal.

I wouldn’t have much choice in declaring my cancer. They’d find out pretty quickly during intimacy, unless I could keep my jumper on.

It’s 4 dates! Of course he shouldn’t have told you. Maybe he just wanted to feel normal and have a chance of being in a normal dating situation for a while. However you’re perfectly reasonable to also tell him that for you it’s too triggering so need to end it before it becomes serious.