AIBU to feel he should have told me about his cancer earlier?

[Felicidad88]

I have been online dating after 8 years of celibacy following my partner’s death from pancreatic cancer. I met a man within a week and stayed with him for six months, but we weren’t compatible long term, so we split up and I met a new guy a month ago. Things have progressed well, and we slept together on our fourth date last week. A few days later, he told me he had to go to London for a medical appointment-it turns out he has cancer. I cannot possibly go through that again, but it feels awful to say I don’t want to be with him due to his diagnosis. It’s not an aggressive cancer like my partner had, it’s prostrate but it’s still cancer. AIBU to think he should’ve told me before?

Neither of you are unreasonable. And I think it would be very understandable for you to walk away

Ouf, that's tricky!
It's perfectly understandable not to want to announce one's medical details immediately on meeting a new person; it's quite personal.

It's understandable you feel as you do, though...
You could perhaps maintain a friendship without getting too emotionally involved?

He should have told you from the beginning so you could decide if you want to carry on with this.

He was totally selfish and unreasonable to not say anything. It's a not a minor condition. It will effect anyone in a relationship with him.

Theyve only been together a month

You’ve only been on four dates. I do think he should tell you reasonably early on, and he has done, four dates/a month definitely qualifies as “reasonably early on.”

And especially if it not an aggressive cancer so he is likely to have a good outcome if treated, he would probably be all the more likely to not mention it very early on.

Sorry but what? You’re calling a cancer patient selfish for not immediately telling his new potential girlfriend that he has cancer immediately! Are you serious?!!

His medical information is his to divulge as and when HE feels comfortable and not before.

Just to clarify that from the first date I told him that my late partner had died of cancer and that it was awful for all of us, but particularly my children.

Why on earth for?

I think he should have told you before you slept together OP. I would be mindful to be honest and explain because of what happened to your late husband you cannot take things further as it’s too triggering for youX

It’s hardly a first date chat is it. And you’ve been on 4 dates! When did he find out?

WTF??? Which other medical conditions need to be disclosed on the first date? Can, for example, Crohn’s disease wait until dates four or five?

OP, YABU to think he should’ve told you earlier, but YANBU to think about walking away.

Yes I am.

Why would someone get into a relationship without disclosing something as big as this. Why do that to someone? Why wait until after he slept with the OP. And especially as she has already told him about her husbands passing and how it was for them.

Just because someone has cancer or any other potentially terminal or life changing condition/illness it doesn't suddenly make them incapable of making selfish or wrong choices.

He found out months ago. It feels weird that he waited till we had slept together.

Yess the fact he waited until after he slept with OP suggests to me he thought it would be a dealbreaker and so deliberately withheld it and is trying to get her hooked/attached first before disclosing.

I can kind of understand it generally but in this context where Op has brought up her late partner having cancer I think the honourable thing would’ve been is to tell her before.. at least before he had sex.

I guess before you slept together you were just someone he had been on a few dates with. When you revealed your history it might have felt awkward for him to say "Oh I've got cancer too but it's probably treatable" and it isn't something you want to put on your dating profile.

Perhaps he just wanted to feel normal. Perhaps he didn't want to blow it. Perhaps he's just a human doing his best in difficult situation. You had sex is all, you've not married the man.... I know it's hard because of what you've been through and I am genuinely sorry for you concerning that but it's hard for him too because of what he's going through.

But he's not in a relationship with the op! He's met her four times!! He barely knows her.

I wouldn’t tell something so personal to someone I only met a month ago.

I feel like around date 4 is reasonable for discussing medical conditions, it's not someone you're obliged to tell everyone you meet. And if his prognosis is good, he may not have seen it as relevant to what happened your family. He may even have felt silly to raise it in that context if his is comparatively minor. Cancer is a very varied group of conditions, it's not a monolith.

I can sort of understand it, it must be scary and I get that he wants someone with him. He has been extremely keen to the point of love bombing and now I’m wondering if its just to have someone rather than actively choosing me.

No I don't think he needed to tell you after a month. And it is treatable. But I understand your fears.

Even if you were having sex and had told them you were hoping for a long term relationship with them?

Hmm, is he asking for support from you at this stage? That changes my view somewhat, it's not fair to expect that from you, knowing what you've been through.

If it's "FYI this is going on for me" then fair enough, life happens. If it's "now we've slept together I expect you to support me despite the trauma it will bring up for you" then that's unfair.

Yes, he’s asking me for emotional support.

I think he’s behaved reasonably but it is difficult to say. Depends a bit on how much time you’ve spent together on those dates, etc.

Although I totally understand how you feel and am so sorry for what you’ve gone through, about half of men will get cancer at some point. If you’re looking to enter into a longterm relationship, there’s a reasonable chance your partner could have cancer again at some point so it seems harsh to dump him.