AIBU to feel he should have told me about his cancer earlier?

[Felicidad88]

I have been online dating after 8 years of celibacy following my partner’s death from pancreatic cancer. I met a man within a week and stayed with him for six months, but we weren’t compatible long term, so we split up and I met a new guy a month ago. Things have progressed well, and we slept together on our fourth date last week. A few days later, he told me he had to go to London for a medical appointment-it turns out he has cancer. I cannot possibly go through that again, but it feels awful to say I don’t want to be with him due to his diagnosis. It’s not an aggressive cancer like my partner had, it’s prostrate but it’s still cancer. AIBU to think he should’ve told me before?

You’ve only been together a month. I wouldn’t have disclosed so early.

but neither are you unreasonable to end it.

all the best.

It's hard to judge when is the right time to share such news. I would have expected to be told by date 1 or 2, especially if both parties fancy each other. Even if it was a casual relationship, it's still relevant information. Anyhow, what's done is done now. Did you ask him why he didn't say anything thus far? Hopefully you've had a good time up to now. So tell him that you aren't able to continue further, as you've already been through such a situation before and wish him all the best.

Yanbu to be upset with him and yanbu to not continue any kind of contact with him.

He wasn't unreasonable to want to date and develop a relationship despite his diagnosis and he wasn't unreasonable to keep is private from you at first because having a little bit of life that isn't all about cancer is really valuable. But he was an uttee bastard to shag you before having told you about it - and if he already knew about your previous partner's death from cancer, it was an actively evil thing for him to do to advance your relationship to being a sexual one without talking about it. This means you are not stopping seeing him "because of his cancer" bit because his callous disregard for your emotional wellbeing in this context makes him a genuinely shitty person who you wouldn't want to associate with. Cancer is a horrible disease but it can strike at shitty people who are a waste of oxygen as well as nice people.

I don’t think you have a right to know such personal information so early in a relationship. Cancer is not a sexually transmitted disease.

I think that if you can’t have a partner with cancer again, then you are not ready for a relationship yet. This has probably activated unresolved trauma and grief from the death of your former partner from cancer.

I would break it off with this man without blaming him and seek counselling.

She had a six month relationship after her husband died, presumably she slept with him.

I wouldn't have sex by the fourth date, so can't relate to that side of things at all. Some people are very casual about it, so wouldn't think anything of it being just a bit of fun. So I can see where perspectives may differ. For me, sex is saved for serious relationships, so anything medical would have come up before that.

I don’t think I said that I can’t have a relationship with a man if he subsequently goes in to develop cancer @AmberTigerEyes -and it’s been 9 years since my partner died, and I stayed celibate for over 8 years afterwards, so have resolved my trauma. However, I think looking back that he has been looking for someone to hold his hand through this as he was so keen from the first date, asking how long it would be before he could refer to me as his girlfriend etcetera.

Yes, I did.

I had sex with him because I wanted to, and enjoyed it-not because I was looking to embark on a serious relationship.

depends.

it was time enough to have sex with a woman who was widowed due to cancer & has been celibate since , it was time enough to tell her about it BEFORE having sex with her.

I think he told you at the point when you'd both be deciding whether to pursue things or not, so I don't think he's been unfair.
I also think its perfectly reasonable with your history not to want another relationship involving cancer.
If it were me I'd tell him that honestly. It may be upsetting to him, but if its going to be upsetting to you to be with him, his rights to not be upset don't trump yours. There's also much to be said for getting out now rather than finding you can't cope down the line when feelings have developed for both of you.

Then, I will rephrase. It is unreasonable to expect a new boyfriend to disclose all their medical issues by the fourth date/in the first month.

If you want to get to know someone better, then save the emotional attachment sex for later.

I am uneasy in how you are ascribing ill intentions to him simply because he has told you about the cancer a few days after the fourth date and first sexual encounter. To me, that is early in a relationship.

You may think you are over it, but the way you wrote that you can’t go through it again is worrisome. If you have resolved the trauma and would stay with a partner who developed cancer, which can happen at any time, then you are only contemplating breaking up because he did not tell you sooner.

How soon would have been soon enough for you? And even if I am wrong, is there any allowance for error in a new partner? Part of me thinks you are making his cancer all about you and how you feel. So for both of you, you should break up. You cannot go through it again.

Then there wasn't really any need for him to disclose before you had sex. It was something you wanted in the moment without looking for anything serious. I'm not judging you on that, I was replying to another poster.

It's quite fair if you decide you don't want to support him through his cancer journey. There are so many reasons that is a valid decision. It must bring up all sorts of traumatic memories for you and you've done that caring before. Starting a relationship with that kind of caring commitment would be unusual from the outset anyway.

I think the issue of disclosure is tricky. I don't think I'd leave it longer than a month, which is how long you've been together, so I don't think he's wrong to have no told you before. You've only had four dates. However, you're not wrong to decide to step away with that information.

Why? The sex was not serious according to the OP’s new update? It’s crazy to think we must disclose our entire medical dossier prior to casual sex.

There are some losses and traumas you never get fully over.

Completely agree

This.
I have trauma I thought I was over and moved on from for years only for one event to open that box of horrors all over again.

You have only just met so I don’t think he needed to tell you. But you are allowed to not want to be involved. It’s clearly triggering for you. However prostate cancer is often well managed. It’s completely ok not to want to be supporting him through this as you have already done that. However there is no guarantee with anyone we meet they may get a diagnosis in the future. Have you had therapy op?

One of my friends has sex on the first date. Her decision but you can't expect to know much about the other, especially serious stuff, so soon.

Gently, a month in, fourth date, seems about right for telling someone to me. Difficult situation, OP xx

At what point do you think it correct to tell someone new that you have cancer?
Should it be on their profile?
On the first chat?
On the first meeting?

Yes, I agree completely. Sex or no sex it is early days of a relationship that are meant to be fun and casual.

Agree. I went through a traumatic event ten years ago. I am most definitely far from over it.

I agree with this. The issue is not cancer, the issue is love bombing. I don't know why everyone is so fixated on sex as if it means some commitment. I am not ready to disclose my medical information to anyone I've only known for a month no matter how many times we've had sex.
I am also actually not happy to disclose my past dating history to anyone on the first date, least of all ins and outs of my family grief. So the whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster anyway.
I'd pull out, OP. Love bombing is a no go but so it trauma dumping on a complete stranger. Cancer or no cancer.

The post she posted at the same time I did. Sorry my crystal ball isn't great on Sunday mornings.