AIBU to feel he should have told me about his cancer earlier?

[Felicidad88]

I have been online dating after 8 years of celibacy following my partner’s death from pancreatic cancer. I met a man within a week and stayed with him for six months, but we weren’t compatible long term, so we split up and I met a new guy a month ago. Things have progressed well, and we slept together on our fourth date last week. A few days later, he told me he had to go to London for a medical appointment-it turns out he has cancer. I cannot possibly go through that again, but it feels awful to say I don’t want to be with him due to his diagnosis. It’s not an aggressive cancer like my partner had, it’s prostrate but it’s still cancer. AIBU to think he should’ve told me before?

I wasn’t deflecting-I just didn’t want to go into the detail of it on a first date.

My late partner had pancreatic cancer, and he had the surgery. He was in awful pain and essentially starved to death over three years. It was terrible to see his suffering. He was angry at his fate, and sometimes he took it out on me. It was often hellish at home. The emotional abuse from someone who used to love me was intense-he even suggested a suicide pact for both of us at one point. I actively was wishing for him to die in the final six months so I could just focus on the children.

Maybe you should put on your dating profile 'will only date if you are cancer free'. There is simply no good time, no right time to tell someone you are very early days with that you have cancer. And from your perspective, losing your husband was horrific but somehow you need to get past cancer=death because it doesn't necessarily. And what will you do in the future when - hopefully - you find a new partner, have been with them some time and they have a cancer diagnosis? Leave them? (And yes, I do know this is difficult, from both sides of the cancer coin - as a survivor and also bereaved.)

That's a nope then.

It is very early in the relationship. You don't really owe each other anything. It is still at the stage where you can say it was fun and move on without feeling any responsibility towards the other person.

Just to clarify-I was celibate and single. I waited till my youngest turned 17 before stepping back into dating again.

That all sounds completely normal on your part OP. Anticipatory grief and the complex feelings that go with it are difficult. What you have described is a trauma. Do you really think you are over it, as you said?

I've been through a traumatic loss. We hit the ten year mark and that seems to have brought a lot of it up again. Somehow it feels significant. You're almost there.

I thought it might have sounded like deflecting from the topic due to the quick change to something else. If someone did that with me, I'd veer away in case it was something they didn't want to visit at that time.

I'm sorry you've been through all that. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever go through, if not the hardest.

Prostate cancer is hugely different to pancreatic cancer. The survival rates for prostate are incredibly good. It is very slow growing and Medics often say you are more likely to die of something else eventually whilst living with prostate cancer. Often doctors will suggest simply monitoring the cancer and not even treating it. Even stage 4 generally survive for five years and the figures are going up all the time. Prince Charles probably has stage 4 prostate cancer.
Skin cancer, testicular cancer and prostate cancer have the best survival rates of all cancers.

I know it’s a serious post but I did smile at “prostrate” 🙂

The emotional abuse from someone who used to love me was intense-he even suggested a suicide pact for both of us at one point. I actively was wishing for him to die in the final six months so I could just focus on the children.

I am so sorry That's a lot to carry in to a new relationship.

A lot of people are respomding as if all cancers are the same. But a diagnosis of a rapidly spreading cancer that is difficult to treat is completely different to a diagnosis of a cancer that is well understood and eminently treatable if caught early.

It's entirely reasonable of OP to hear 'cancer' and think 'I can't go there again' and it's entirely reasonable of him to think 'I've been told my cancer is cureable so it's not in the same league as pancreatic cancer' - I appreciate he may not have been told precisely this but nevertheless it may well have been what he heard.

I don't think either of you is in the wrong but perhaps you're not a good fit for each other right now.

I think he was damned either way.

To tell someone in the early days that he had cancer when they’d lost a partner to it could seem manipulative to some, as if he wanted to say “I have cancer so I know what you’re going through,” and I guarantee that if you’d posted on here that you’d met someone who had told you from the outset he had cancer there would be posters warning you that it might not be true, and that he might have made it up to show solidarity with what you’ve been through.

You’d hardly started dating and having cancer is incredibly personal.

That being said, it’s a bit like having a visible vs invisible disability. With a visible disability you’d have to tell someone because it would be immediately obvious and they could decide accordingly whether to continue to date, whereas if it was an invisible disability, or in this case illness, you could develop feelings before they revealed the truth about themselves, which in itself could be construed as manipulative.

This behaviour would be pretty anyway.

But combined with the withholding of the information till after sex and now looking for support - I think your suspicions are correct. If he was in a hurry to make your relationship serious, he should have matched that pace and been in a hurry to tell you about his diagnosis.

If you had just been casual by mutual agreement then the cancer is more like his business, nothing to donwih you really, not expectations of support, just letting you know for info.

But that's not what was happening is it? He was trying to get to the "invited to to your mum's long beach holiday house"* stage super quick. So you can hold his hand.

I think your suspicions are correct

*Thank you Chappel Roan

^^This. Why would he share his medical information with someone he was casually seeing?

Should the OP have made it clear that now or future cancer was a deal-breaker on the first date? In her dating bio?

As relationships develop, you learn more about each other - that's normal.

He wasn't casually seeing her though. He was love bombing , which implies the opposite of casual.

It’s a truly horrible position to be in, but personally I never understand men or women being on dating sites whilst going through cancer. If it was me, I would wait until after treatment, to prevent precisely this predicament.

I’m not surprised you don’t want to revisit what you went through, and I think for your own MH you should end it. It sounds harsh, but it is early days and he will find someone else.

Jim

*jim -don’t know who he is 😂

I think looking back that he has been looking for someone to hold his hand through this as he was so keen from the first date, asking how long it would be before he could refer to me as his girlfriend etcetera.

Yes, that's a good enough reason to end the relationship now. That sounds immature and needy even without the cancer.

Ultimately OP, it's fine to walk away if this situation isn't right for you.

If we all say "yeah he was unreasonable to withhold it" then you can feel justified and angry and it will be easier to walk away. But equally if the consensus is that he's disclosed at a reasonable timeline, you can still walk away. No one can really know his intentions, but you don't need to paint him as bad, you just need to choose what's right for you.

Yes, I can’t believe I made that mistake.

Thanks for this very helpful post which has really changed my mind and helped me see it from his POV. I now think IABU and can see why he withheld the information.

I am going to follow his lead in presuming that the cancer is a slow progressing prostate cancer and carry in seeing him whilst putting the reins on a bit if he starts getting too serious.

Thanks for all the advice.

He waited until you had sex to tell you rather than when you told him your husband died of pancreatic cancer.

Now, you have no rights to his private medical info. But, pancreatic cancer is known to be a hard death, and he surely knew how telling you he had cancer would really have some negative emotional effects on you. He chose to try to get you more seriously emotionally involved before disclosing. I'd ask him why he did that. Was having a gf more important than triggering memories around the death of your spouse? I don't think he cares much about you, or he would have disclosed when you told him your husband died of cancer. I think he wants a supportive gf and due to your experience, you can't be that for him.

My sympathies about your husband. Mine died of pancreatic cancer too.

Neither of you is being unreasonable, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go through that again but I can also understand why he wouldn’t want to mention it. Could it work as a friendship?

Sorry to hear about your husband’s pancreatic cancer. It’s a vile disease.

Why should he have told you before. You have only been seeing him a month. So you are being unreasonable there. However it is totally understandable that you couldnt go through it again. Just sit down with him and explain your reasons if you decide you cant carry on the relationship. My dad lived for over 10 years after his prostrate cancer diagnosis. New treatments are being found all the time. Good luck

It is vile.

To be very honest, I think new bf doesn't want to go through this alone and is looking for a support person. You've been that before. It sounds like he's trying to rush things a bit, get you more involved, and will possibly become quite clingy. Watch out for guilt trips. Given that he's already love bombing you and asking for your emotional support, I personally would stop seeing him because 4 dates and expecting that kind of support, big red flags.

Only you can decide if seeing him more and becoming more involved will bring a benefit to your life or not. Maybe set a strong boundary about keeping things pretty casual, even though he wants more. He doesn't get the cost of giving that kind of care and concern, much less what it will cost you as someone who's already been through the loss of your husband from cancer.

A selfish man with cancer is still a selfish man.