AIBU to feel he should have told me about his cancer earlier?

[Felicidad88]

I have been online dating after 8 years of celibacy following my partner’s death from pancreatic cancer. I met a man within a week and stayed with him for six months, but we weren’t compatible long term, so we split up and I met a new guy a month ago. Things have progressed well, and we slept together on our fourth date last week. A few days later, he told me he had to go to London for a medical appointment-it turns out he has cancer. I cannot possibly go through that again, but it feels awful to say I don’t want to be with him due to his diagnosis. It’s not an aggressive cancer like my partner had, it’s prostrate but it’s still cancer. AIBU to think he should’ve told me before?

If you’re comfortable enough to sleep with someone and then wanting emotional support yes you should’ve told them your situation before sex. Yes you don’t have to but it would’ve been the decent thing to do.

It does not sound as if this is a fling for him and if he is just planning to be casual why even tell Op? You can’t have it both ways.

OP sorry but yeah it’s pretty clear he’s looking for someone to hold his hand through this. Unfortunately your experience with your husband probably marked you out to be suitable for this role in his eyes . You said it was a horrible experience but all he heard was “she’s supported a man through cancer before”.

You just need to be honest with him, if you can’t support him just bow out now and explain why and wish him well.

I think he should have told you before he slept with you.

There are some aggressive types of prostate cancer and if he's under 50 it's more likely to be. How old is he?

Trust your instincts then. Illnesses happen, but if you think he's trying to trap you into supporting him then definitely get away.

No, not after 4 weeks.

But this man apparently felt comfortable to tell her around the 4 week mark and now is wanting emotional support too. So evidently it wasn’t an issue for him in terms of the length of time they had been together. He told her after 4 weeks and 3 days.

He could just as easily have told her after 4 weeks before they had sex. Unless you think their relationship completely transformed within 3 days.

It’s pretty obvious he was being strategic and waited until after they’ve had sex before disclosing it, because why tell her just a few days afterwards?

So he had seen you a few times and then when you've had sex, realised this is starting to get more serious so then told you about it?

That makes absolutely perfect sense to me.

He hasn't done anything wrong imo

I understand why you feel like that but yabu.

Your date has had shocking, frightening news, he has probably needed time to get used to the idea. Plus anything to do with the prostate can be especially difficult for men. And he's only know you five minutes.

When I learned I had breast cancer I told my boss and my dsis (through necessity). I didn't tell anyone else. Some of my family, I have never mentioned it to, five years later. Everyone copes in different ways.

Having said that, you can end a relationship for any reason you wish.

A family member has a hard time with this one. When you're meeting someone new, when is the right time to tell them things like this? You don't want to wait too long, because that is unfair, but you also want to see if there is any chance of things going on before you hand over such personal information. Four dates seems about right to me.

Hard disagree. Her husband died from cancer, he should have told her before she had ssx with him, the first man since her husband died 8 years ago is not an insignificant event.

@Felicidad88 yes, he should have. As above. You don't need to keep seeing him, get out now while it's still so early in the dating stage.

try to look at it like this, you've broken the barrier & it's ok. You're allowed to date (& have sex). You can't replace your DH (💕) but you can date & have a person in your life 🌷just not this inconsiderate one.

Before you have sex with them. If your not ready to tell them then don't gave sex, especially with a wide who has been celibate since her husbands death.

Some people still actually think it means something & isn't just a bit of fun, with lots of different people.

The key point is how do you feel about him as a person, cancer aside? Sorry, I know it is a huge thing, but I mean do you want to be with him and spend time with him? Would you be a bit sad ending things now or would it be a relief to move on?

4 dates to disclose feels about right, but I don't think you should get expected to be his emotional support at this point - you've only known him for 4 weeks!- so that is presumptuous of him to expect it. It would be something expected of a family member or long term friend.

If it is triggering for you that he has cancer (I totally understand why it would be), then you can definitely walk away guilt free, even if you let him know you are not ready for this right now.

Does it matter? You (quite reasonably) aren’t staying with him. FWIW given your initial disclosure I think it’s slightly off that he let things escalate to sleeping together before he told you but I wouldn’t waste much time thinking about it. He has cancer, he has potentially handled this badly but I’d try to have empathy.

I think he should have told you before you have a chance to become attracted to him . You divulging the trauma of your partners cancer should have been an opening for him to say . I actually think it was selfish of him not to given he knew what you went through before .

Love bombing and him wanting emotional support from you after only a few dates are both excellent reasons to not arrange any further dates with this man.

I’m on the fence about the diagnosis - he may have only been ready to reveal at that point, or he may have withheld it until after intimacy progressed, or he may be lying and not be ill at all. Essentially you don’t really know him, and don’t owe him anything at this point. Whichever it is, it still points to incompatibility.

I would be honest with him and then move on. You’ve been through a horrendous time losing your Husband and you don’t need to go through any of that again, particularly with someone you’ve only been on 4 dates with.

It’s shit of him not to mention any of this sooner, given that he knew what you’d been through already.

Gently tell him that it’s not something you can go through again.

I’m surprised that anyone thinks you are being unreasonable.

It’s only been a month, it’s not the kind of thing you drop on someone immediately. Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable telling you. Maybe he was struggling to come to terms with his diagnosis. Feel free to walk away. But I think YABVU to make this all about you.

He could be genuine, or he could be looking for a free carer. Either way, after the trauma of already losing someone close from cancer, you really don't need this. The man needs to stop dating & concentrate on his health until his prognosis is clear. He's a walking moral dilemma at the moment.

Not selfish not to date him now you know and not to have any contact with him after letting him know.

Given what you’d told him he was U not to tell you before you had sex.

I’m really sorry OP I think this was very unfair of him. I’m less ‘charitable’ than others but given your circumstances I think this is awful behaviour and I wonder if he told you when he did because he just wanted to sleep with you first as he would know there’s a high chance you’d walk away - which I think you should - for yourself and your dc’s. There are some ‘interesting’ views on here today imo.

you’re not a charity or his mum so no obligation to have a relationship with someone who may be ok or may not be

I think it was problematic to sleep with you and expect emotional support without telling you. I would politely but firmly walk away - and not keep even a friendship going. This is not your husband - this is a guy you've met 4 times. It is ok to not have it in you to support him through this.

Whether or not he should have told you earlier, the important thing is that you are definitely not being unreasonable to walk away from the relationship and you shouldn't feel awful about that at all. You need to protect yourself and your DC.

Tough one. I've had cancer, and some of my closest friends don't know. It's not an easy thing to disclose.

From your PoV, if you don't want to go through this again, then you're perfectly entitled to walk away.

From their PoV, there is never a good time to tell people you have cancer. I can only assume if you slept together after 4 dates, then the time you spent together was fun and enjoyable. Having cancer is **ing grim, and that may have been his only escape.

From your description, it sounds like he likes you. It's therefore perfectly reasonable for him to tell you at the point he thinks he can get out without being hurt to much, as there is a high likelihood of being dumped when telling someone this.

Yes you are unreasonable to think he should have told you earlier. Prostate cancer can be very mild and the saying is that most men die with it not of it. However you are not being unreasonable to end things if you want to that's entirely up to you. But I would say you are allowing your previous experience to cloud this one.

Having cancer and wanting an escape/break from it doesn’t excuse lying to someone who lost their partner.