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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

198 replies

TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:02

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BilboBogginsAndHisNoggins · Yesterday 01:06

Hot car incident?

TeaAndTattoos · Yesterday 01:07

Absolutely bonkers on your part not your DD’s you have been massively harsh over all this. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.

TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:10

BilboBogginsAndHisNoggins · Yesterday 01:06

Hot car incident?

Oh boy.

My 16 year old DD thought was a good idea to stay in a parked car, windows up, in the middle of the day after her workout on a Saturday. Nobody with her in case something goes wrong.

So she can have glowing skin to impress boys. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with her skin. She has clear skin.

OP posts:
ThisAutumnTown · Yesterday 01:11

Completely not the point of the thread but I personally wouldn’t let my DDs have boys stay over, even if they were sleeping downstairs.

When I was a teen, my boyfriend was allowed to sleep downstairs so I’d just sneak down and have sex with him there and my parents never found out.

Tetchypants · Yesterday 01:12

Edit, no not the same kid. But my last sentence still stands:

You’re going to lose her if you call her out on every single thing she does wrong.

mumofoneAloneandwell · Yesterday 01:13

Yabu girl sorry. You should've used it to bond with her over

God, some of the dumb shit I said as a kid to fit in 🙈😩

TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:13

ThisAutumnTown · Yesterday 01:11

Completely not the point of the thread but I personally wouldn’t let my DDs have boys stay over, even if they were sleeping downstairs.

When I was a teen, my boyfriend was allowed to sleep downstairs so I’d just sneak down and have sex with him there and my parents never found out.

They don't sleep over. I was referring to a boy's mere presence in my house. Like after school or on the weekend.

Now my 16 year old DD can't bring home a boy, no time at all. Even when I'm there.

OP posts:
TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:15

Tetchypants · Yesterday 01:12

Edit, no not the same kid. But my last sentence still stands:

You’re going to lose her if you call her out on every single thing she does wrong.

Edited

She rarely gets punished even with all the stupid things she does for boys.

OP posts:
keepswimming38 · Yesterday 01:15

My daughter had a date a few weeks ago and put on an Australian accent throughout it for a laugh. She recounted it to us and we just called her a ‘nutter’ and that was that!

Branleuse · Yesterday 01:16

Bit extreme just for pretending to be japanese.
What difference does it make to you?

Blimms · Yesterday 01:16

It must be really stressful with her GCSE’s starting in a few weeks too.

365GelatoDaysAYear · Yesterday 01:17

keepswimming38 · Yesterday 01:15

My daughter had a date a few weeks ago and put on an Australian accent throughout it for a laugh. She recounted it to us and we just called her a ‘nutter’ and that was that!

There is history between China and Japan. It is not plain sailing. The daughter is letting the side down.

TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:18

Branleuse · Yesterday 01:16

Bit extreme just for pretending to be japanese.
What difference does it make to you?

It's more a last straw.

OP posts:
TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:20

365GelatoDaysAYear · Yesterday 01:17

There is history between China and Japan. It is not plain sailing. The daughter is letting the side down.

I don't want to get into that part too much.

Let's just say I'm disappointed she would lie about her ethnicity, no matter which ethnicity she picked.

It's especially stupid given her very Chinese last name. It's not just a lie, it's a stupid lie.

Edit to fix a typo

OP posts:
Shitmonger · Yesterday 01:23

Blimms · Yesterday 01:16

It must be really stressful with her GCSE’s starting in a few weeks too.

Judging by OP’s username and the fact that her daughter drives she appears to be in the US.

It’s a hard one, OP. I do think that she needs repercussions for being stupid about boys and, unlike many posters on here, I understand why her claiming to be Japanese is so upsetting. Have you had conversations with her about what is going on in her head and why she is so desperate to please them?

365GelatoDaysAYear · Yesterday 01:24

Why is your daughter so boy crazy? Has she been bullied and is trying to fit in? Might she have been abused and be looking for validation?

Hot car incident sounds unsafe on dehydration grounda. Sitting alone in a car is also not specially safe.
.

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 01:24

I once told a visitor to my primary school that my name was Jasmin cos I went through a weird stage of being obsessed with the name. My name is not Jasmin, when my parents found out and quizzed me they just laughed and rolled their eyes

TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:26

Shitmonger · Yesterday 01:23

Judging by OP’s username and the fact that her daughter drives she appears to be in the US.

It’s a hard one, OP. I do think that she needs repercussions for being stupid about boys and, unlike many posters on here, I understand why her claiming to be Japanese is so upsetting. Have you had conversations with her about what is going on in her head and why she is so desperate to please them?

She has said she gets super shy and super nervous around a boy she likes. She has also said she gets a one-track mind when a boy gives her the feelings.

OP posts:
Blimms · Yesterday 01:27

There’s something a bit off here.

OhWise1 · Yesterday 01:29

Why are you do up in her business? If she wants to lie about bring Japanese to some boy, so what?
And i am sure she would have opened the window of her diy sauna long before anything bad happened.

TheChineseAmericanMum · Yesterday 01:29

365GelatoDaysAYear · Yesterday 01:24

Why is your daughter so boy crazy? Has she been bullied and is trying to fit in? Might she have been abused and be looking for validation?

Hot car incident sounds unsafe on dehydration grounda. Sitting alone in a car is also not specially safe.
.

She has said she hasn't been abuse nor bullied. She's one of the most popular kids in school. Many times, she has made sure that other students don't get bullied.

And it's not as if boys ignored her. She doesn't have to do the stupid things she does.

OP posts:
PillsBox · Yesterday 01:33

Why is this the 3rd or 4th thread in the last few weeks about Japanese girls, or Japanese girl related??

Weird.

Blimms · Yesterday 01:36

PillsBox · Yesterday 01:33

Why is this the 3rd or 4th thread in the last few weeks about Japanese girls, or Japanese girl related??

Weird.

There’s some strange men about.

PillsBox · Yesterday 01:37

Blimms · Yesterday 01:36

There’s some strange men about.

Yep, I’ve reported.

mondaytosunday · Yesterday 01:54

You can’t go from zero to lockdown. Be sensible. You are the parent but you are overreacting. If ever there was a case for talking rather than action this is it.