AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

He does deserve your snide digs. Hope that helps 😆
But I do think a productive chat is what’s needed, as he’s living like a total loser.
YANBU.

'Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon.'

and that says it all.

he needs to get out there and find something for himself, whether that is voluntary or paid. he needs a purpose in his life

should really be paid as he will have no pension

I thought the working parent should pay into a pension for the stay at home parent? That’s always said on here.

also the working parent should be doing 50% of the housework at weekends. Again always said on here

oh and if he did get a job he wouldn’t pay all the childcare costs, the working parent should pay half.

Yeah thats not great, he needs to be doing the housework, cooking etc while you are at work if he's not working.

This is always said on here, you’re right! 🤔

mumsnet truly hates men.

You are a saint OP, I would have given him a kick up the hole long ago and thrown out the games console. Time for him to find a job

Saying that though, what is stopping him from getting a job? Is there any reason you need a SAHP?

Op tbh I do sympathise. It’s tough when you are the sole earner, it does have pressure, and it can be hard to see the other parent having what looks like an easier ride.

id say he should be looking at going back to work but you should accept that will mean you subbing some childcare costs, and a proper 50:50 split of the housework. Presume that would be ok though going by your post

Yes, you need to have an awkward conversation with him. The resentment won't go away without something changing and the snide remarks are not changing anything. He's clearly not going to make any changes without a good shove.

I'd start by asking him how much free time he has each week (you can probably check together on whatever he's using to game). Then point out that you have zero free time.

Mumsnet hates shit men. OP's DH doesn't sound horrible like some of the men people post about on here, but he does sound lazy and thoughtless.

Many SAHMs do go back to work once all their children are at school.

It’s said on here when the children are at home and therefore the woman has spent all day looking after them! These kids are in school. I don’t think anyone would be expecting the woman to spend much of the day relaxing and then the man do come home and do 50% of the housework.

We’re still deciding about me staying at home when the kids are in school but if I do I’d expect to cover all the housework, laundry, the vast majority of the meal prep and all the life admin as a minimum.

And many do not

im sure none would take kindly to being questioned as to “what they do all day” and their time on devices checked up on

Seriously, why do you have such low self esteem that you think its ok for adult to spend their days gaming while you work to support them? I cannot believe you have to come home and do the housework, it is totally taking the piss. Id be filing for divorce frankly. That resentment you feel is an understatement and will eat you alive.

Ah this is shitty. In order for any parent to stay at home once the kids are at school it needs to be really clear what the expectations are. 9-2.30 doesnt seem like a huge amount of time when you're 'it's it, when you've done a mad morning dash and you clock back on at 2.30 for the evening shift. Those hours can go really fast. And it gets pretty boring only doing childcare and chores in those hours.

But. Its exhausting being the working parent. 9 -2.30 looks like pure luxury. Because youve also had a bit of a morning and you get home for an evening shift too. Of laundry and bag packing and parenting.

You need to talk.

The gaming thing is an odd one because it's such a waste of time. I mean, it's up to everyone how they spend their free time, but it's like spending it all watching tv. And you dont feel like you get equal free time. So it hurts! Gaming! While I'm at work busting a gut!

Talk.

The kids are at school. The man is sitting about gaming and leaving the housework for her to do when she gets home. Dont be ridiculous.

Obviously the conversation needs to happen. Sly digs and simmering resentment kills relationships and I dont think you'll ever regret a calm, open conversation. Unless he wants to sit at home forever he probably needs to start looking at getting back on the job market soon even if just refreshing his CV, doing some updated training and networking at this stage. If thats not on the radar yet then he needs to do the bulk of the housework and family life admin during school hours so you can both relax (including gaming) in the evenings and at weekends.

Wow. I'm a sahm with kids in school. Maybe I should sit down and read all day and let dh tidy up when he gets home after work.

@stormhex You shouldn't need a cleaner when he's home all day- he should do the cleaning, laundry, meals etc. Every woman who is a sah with kids in school do everything- if he's not up to it he needs to find a job. He's taking the piss.

Bullocks to say that Mumsnet hates men. If a woman posted on here saying she was a SAHM to school age children she would be told to get a job!!

It is totally unacceptable that you have anything to do when you get home apart from spend time with the children and tidying up from dinner.

Words are needed now to explain this to your husband. There is no way one person should be having lots of time gaming whilst one is working. That is not an even split and resentment will definitely build up and destroy anything you have.

Thing is every MN thread on here the overwhelming response is that the sole earning man should come home cook the dinner do bed times and half of everything round the house whilst also paying 100% of the bills. There have been threads from STAHMs whose kids are at school and do FA all day and are still told they have a “DH problem” when they don’t step up the minute they get home.

unfortunately OP that’s equality for you. You are expected to go to work then do 50% of everything (or more) when you get home and put up and shut up about it because that’s what MN tells STAHMs they should say to their husbands

Isn’t he embarrassed? If not why not? He’s living like a teen while you’re working long hours, paying for a cleaner and he can’t even be bothered to sort the fucking laundry? Snide isn’t the way to go, cold fury would be more appropriate. How deeply unattractive.

Rubbish. There are posts saying the working partner should step up when home if children are under school age as the SAHP has been ‘on’ all day too. If children at school this is NOT the attitude and rightly so.

Stop making up crap just to bring a woman down that is doing the earning the money and the keeping house.

Why can’t he get a part time job while the kids are at school ? If it’s not an option, he needs to do “ housework”

YANBU in expecting him to do some household chores while you’re at work. He sounds lazy or taking you for granted . Perhaps he thinks you’re ok with this arrangement ? How does he feel about you coming home after a day at work and doing the stuff he’s supposed to have done ?
Does he feel bad about it ?

Have you had a conversation about it ?
A proper sit down talk rather than accusations and confrontation ?
If not, you need to do this.

Show us these threads! I’ve only ever seen the working parent expected to do 50/50 when the SAHP has preschool kids.

I was sort of in this situation.

i got a job.
dh didn’t like it (and you won’t if he gets a job either) because by the time you pay childcare the job only makes a few hundred a month but all the chores then need to be split 50:50 if you are both working.

so you’ve got two options:
let him stay at home, no childcare expenses, kids stay in clubs/brownies etc. presumably you want to spend some time with your kids at the weekend?

or tell him to get a job and you split chores 50:50.

neither is good.

You’re paying for a cleaner when your DH has 6hrs spare every day? That’s madness. He should be looking at part time work or at least be doing the housework before he games. Personally I think once kids are in full time school is a good time to get back to work. Especially when it’s causing resentment.