AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

This is a problem I see often here: when men don't work, they don't do anything

I remember pre-children being made redundant. I didn't work for a few months. During this time, dh didn't lift a finger with the housework (apart from cooking at the weekends which he enjoyed). Even then I felt a bit guilty.

God I was so grateful I did all the bloody housework. Who the hell wouldn't in my shoes?
Even when women don't work, they're still useful.

Another thing, and forgive my sexism, but I find that men who don't work (when they're able to) quickly become unattractive to their wives in a way women don't. It's like a complete turn-off for women when their man does nothing.

OK maybe I'm generalising here, but I bet there's much more men who do feck all around the house when unemployed than there are women!

I’m surprised so many people think this is a conversation to be had. This is a person who has sat back and gamed whilst watching the person he allegedly loves run herself ragged. He knows she’s exhausted, and he doesn’t care so long as he does what he wants. I don’t see how such a selfish lazy personality is going to be changed by a conversation. He already knows and is choosing to treat his wife like shit to buy his own peace.

Now kids are at school he needs to get a job as childcare costs aren’t obv young to be his salary

i understand when younger but not now

and he’s lazy to do nothing all day

going

He absolutely does deserve some digs. He needs to get off his arse and either run the household properly or get a job.

I couldn't respect him. He's a lazy pig.

He sounds like an absolute loser, OP. Who cares if he cooks every night? So do I and I have a full time job. He needs to get back to work and stop being so lazy. What a terrible example this is setting for your children.

I would resent him too and I couldn’t respect someone with this little drive. He needs a purpose.

You’ll stop being so resentful when he stops taking the piss! 9-2.30 goes fast etc etc and I hope he’s therefore on top of the school admin and lunches etc, but still. He could do an hour or two of basic household tasks, dishwasher, laundry, washing, tidying and still have time for himself if that’s his argument. I know as a SAHM my husband never resented me having coffee with friends or going to the gym on my one childfree morning when all the kids were at nursery, but I also did the bulk of the day to day housework because I wasn’t trying to take advantage!

I’ve been on Mumsnet embarrassingly a lot for nearly 20 years and I have never seen a single thread where this would be said about school aged kids. Pre-schoolers, sure.

He deserves the digs (especially in the ribs to get him off whatever he’s gaming on). Why a you paying for a cleaner when you have a capable adult at home - I’d be stopping that for a start, what a lazy pig of a man. I’d say exactly the same if this was a woman you were talking about, it’s ripping the piss out of the working parent.

I work.
DH does not ( early retirement) so he does the housework and cooking.
He has his hobbies and voluntary work so it's not like I expect him to be chained to the kitchen sink, but he's the SAH and I'm the one at the grindstone.
He does the lions share. That's the deal.
If I came home to have to do washing and cleaning after a full days work and he was busy " gaming" I would go apeshit.

This is a really transparent "gender swap" thread to catch people out about how man hating we are.

Actually I kind of do hate men but if you have kids at school and you have your tea made every night there is literally no way he is playing video games all afternoon. Do you have to take annual leave during school holidays? No? Do you know when the school events are and disrupt your work day to attend? No? Are you dropping the kids off and picking them up? Listening to them read after school?

A SAHP is not your slave. They are parenting your children so you can progress in your career. Man or woman but to be fair I should imagine for a man it's even more soul destroying for you to be such a shit about it because I'm sure no-one of the mums at the school gate chat to him either in case he thinks they fancy him.

Oh look another grown man who spends hours on a poxy gaming console neglecting family duties.
Tell him to do his jobs before he sits down to do that.
Or for a more blunt way of getting through to him, take his controller & power cable to work with you. Wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

It’s not an awkward conversation. It’s a grown up conversation.
It worked when dc were small but now it’s time to get a job.

Whose decision was it to get a cleaner?

But also, why wouldn’t you expect an adult to scrub a toilet?

I agree . There are so many posts about men coming home from work and being expected to do chores and childcare. Double standards imo .

He should really do something more productive than gaming I agree . Is he depressed I wonder .

I would have a come to jesus chat and be explaining he has 3 choices
He can get:

1. a grip and start managing the house...
2. a job.
3. a divorce

And I'd mean it.

The problem women have... is women and men are just not equal... you cant just say oh if.it was a woman... even if it was a woman her husband wouldnt be paying for a cleaner and hanging out his own laundry after a long day at work...while she was sat on her arse playing Nintendo switch.

I do agree with others thst he should have pensions contributions though...

you havs got yourself in a very sticky situation....he is the "vulnerable wife" and primary carer" except he doesn't provide primary care... he sponges off you and is a dead weight and when you divorce you will be left working and providing primary care...

if you divorce without him being in employment you will be somewhat fucked unfortunately... as you'll (rightly) pay a high financial share of assets to someone who is the primary carer and financially disadvantaged party. Where it goes "wrong" is that this should go to be the primary parent.... Whereas in reaity he is prob not doing the bulk of the parenting despite claiming to.

He sounds like a right dribbler. Why is he too good to scrub his own toilets?

Tell him you're fed up with doing everything. He needs to start pulling his weight. Throw his x-box out of the window if you need to.

Christ alive the patriarchy is alive and well. So if the mum is at home and the kids are school and the husband works then everything is her responsibility, but if the roles are reversed then she should be grateful and still be responsible, and remember he’s not her slave.

Last time I checked school aged children don’t need parenting between 9 & 3, plenty of time to hoover and do a bit of washing!

Do you sit on your arse and play video games all afternoon? If he can do this then the op should have some time when she could also do this. But she can’t as when she walks through the door she has to pick up the house hold tasks.
He isn’t parenting when the kids are at school. Other parents manage to work. He either could do this or do the house stuff so his wife doesn’t have to. If he cared about her, he would.

😂 depressed about what? He’s living the dream! 6h a day to himself, no house jobs, not even cooking or prepping tea, just gaming!

I did expect my husband to come home and pitch in because with young kids I needed a break and I wasn’t his slave. No one is saying he should do ALL the jobs but he has a cleaner and his wife is doing plenty when he gets home, why isn’t he contributing to the work?

He absolutely needs to be doing all the basics at home. That’s his job!

If reincarnation is a thing, I want to come back as a man.

I work PT, DH has a fabled MN big job with loads of travel, I manage to get housework done and still have time to go to the gym, meet a friend for a coffee and read a book for a bit before school pick up time on my days off. It's not hard to run a house.

But isn’t that when the children are babies and at home all day? Surely things different / he has almost six hours free time every day! He must be getting his housing costs and food etc all paid from his wife’s salary so of course he should be contributing more in labour to the household. I’m amazed he doesn’t seem to want to look for work at all at this stage. Maybe he feels he couldn’t get anything good now/anything that fits round the kids and is also feeling resentful.
Sounds like a heart to heart is needed!

Unless you want your marriage to fail, you have to have the talk about him not pulling his weight and living like a teenager with you supporting him completely. Lay it out. You're paying for things he should be on top of but he sits home and games and you resent the workload being so uneven.