AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

or she might now want him to return to paid work - fair enough.

Yes I agree with this and it exemplifies the different threads we see on here. No way are female SAHMs told it’s fine to game all day while the kids are at school and the husband to do the housework when he gets back from work!

You’re right to be resentful op and a conversation is needed.

No I don’t think that is accurate. Yes, posters do tend to say that weekend tasks abd childcare should be shared, but this is on the basis of the SAHP getting the vast majority of stuff done during the week so there isn’t that much left for the weekends. FWIW I’m a SAHM parent and my spouse does daily stuff like dishwasher, boys of cooking, bits of daily tidying at the weekend, but all the big jobs like laundry and cleaning are done during the week so there isn’t that weekends are pretty clear. Isn’t that the point of there being a SAHP?

I never agree with ‘as soon as the kids are in school nobody needs to be there’, I always think it’s good to have someone home- we both work out of house and the kids definitely suffer for it, not feeling well but not sick sick, can’t do activities, have people over etc etc.

I will say it depends if he really doesn’t clean or whether things just aren’t as you expect it- dh thought I did nothing when I was a sahm but it was just that he expected a show house on arriving home. Now we both work and he hates it all as he has to juggle as much as me but definitely talk to him about the housework etc!!!

Somebody has at last mentioned the elephant in the room.

Studies have shown that even if the sahd is perfect at it there's issues like him feeling emasculated and his wife going off him sexually in a way that doesn't happen the other way around.

Perhaps this doesn't apply if the man is older and retired.

So while the OP should certainly be expecting all the domestic stuff taken care of while he's applying for work he should really be getting a job.

The good news here is that because he is functionally useless it's likely that his sex appeal is the only thing keeping him viable.
So he has to continually keep her satisfied emotionally and sexually which may take effort given that most relationships can get stale

Or she dumps him.
He'll probably get another host, though, and repeat the cycle. Sadly.

That would still be an improvement for the op though. She would then only be doing 50 PC of house stuff as well as working. All of the posters trying to prove that mn hates men aren't pointing to any actual evidence. Show us a thread where a sahm is told to that she should just enjoy her time to herself when the kids are at school. The overwhelming sentiment on here is - once the kids are old enough, do something productive and stop being so reliant on someone else for money and security.

You need to have a serious chat with him. When the kids were at home it made sense for you to do some chores in the evening, but he now has 6 hours ish free so all of that should be done in that time easily. Paying for a cleaner is madness. Is the plan for him to return to work soon? Wraparound is expensive, but not that expensive if only 2 dc.

@stormhex when i was a SAHP, i did the majority of house hold chores, when they went to school, i spent z lot of time on the parent council and aldo did z lot of other volunteering in the school. He is being lazy. Get the chires done then do some gaming you are not being unreasonable.

If the kids are all at school get him back to work - maybe you drop to 4 days and he does 4 days or something similar. Make the stay at home time more equal.

Of course you have to tell him he's taking the piss.

How many sahm mums do chores ALL day vs have some ‘me time’ during school hours. My brothers wife always talks about the guests that have been on this morning and goes to gym a lot but to be fair I don’t think he lifts a finger in terms of cleaning or laundry so he just focuses on kids after work and weekends.
I think the two of you could do with a mediation couples counselling sessions to hash this out - what is a fair expectation of a sahp , he should have some tasks that he agrees is fair to do properly and then any spare time is free; there is also the issue of lack of equal ops to rest, so you need to agree some rest time and he needs to acknowledge that it’s hard for you to rest when you’re surrounded by jobs that haven’t been done yet (because he was gaming all day)

There was a thread a while back about ‘husband giving me a list as sahp’ as he felt that she wasn’t doing enough while the kids were at school tha could be an interesting read op

I spent a few years as a SAHM with school age children as I was made redundant and DH’s job means he’s often overseas. I’m back working now but it made a huge difference to our family life as I took care of all the washing, cooking, odd errands, sick children, doctors appointments and dog walking etc. We also had a cleaner so no hard graft and I still had absolutely oodles of time to myself. We were never happier!

You know he’s having a laugh.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5494325-husband-leaves-me-a-list-of-duties?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=appshare

sorry edited to realise this is a wrong link, can any one find the right one when it’s more similar context with kids at school

Mumsnet is triggered by “gaming”. There’s no problem with anything you say, and if the OPs partner was reading, or meeting friends, there would be less of a problme

not no problem, as he’s a man,

There’s literally one posting just below you and while she doesn’t game, she does reald and meet friends.

shes not getting slated

The children are at school now so he needs to return to work and I’d say the same if he was a woman.

2 things going on on the thread.

Yes, MN definitely skews towards being more critical of men. The fact OP refers to her SAH husband rather than SAH Dad would have been jumped on if it was the other way around. A man saying his wife was a housewife or SAHW would have got his arse handed to him saying no, she's a SAH Mother and therefore her job is to look after the DC and not the housework.

A man saying he had to hang washing out when he came home because the SAHM had been meeting friends, going to the gym or whatever she liked would be told by the time between the DC being taken to school and picked up is only a few hours and of course she's entitled to me-time and a life outside the home.

But because he's gaming and a man, it's seen very differently.

Personally, I think he's lazy and would say the same about a SAHM but I wouldn't get as much support saying that about the latter.

Give over.
If someone worked full time and had a sahp and kids in ft school and the sahp never put a load of washing on or did a light tidy up they would be in the wrong.

It doesnt matter that the sahp is a bloke. Doing fuck all all day while the kids aresat school and leaving everything except cooking dinner to your partner is a complete piss take.

That’s right! All those sahms who spend their days gaming get a free pass on Mumsnet. Such double standards.

wait? What sahms spend their days gaming?

equal free time, unless the sah parent has been working ie parenting through illness and 24/7 doing all the nights and lost/cut back their hobbies while the working parent continues them, in which case the sah parent deserves some time off once the kids finally go to school. That does not sound anything like this man and the op.

Make him go back to work. The maths isn’t important. He’s becoming de-skilled and needs to re-enter the job market

I think it would be more accurate to say that a section of MN hates everybody! You only have to look at the terrible sniping people get when they have posted looking for advice. Cascade of nasty comments, often including fictional scenarios that never featured in the original post!
Anyway, OP needs to have a talk about their situation; her DH has probably just slid into this routine without thinking. It will continue if she doesn't address it

Roles reversed, I am the sahp and I wouldn’t dream of leaving things for my husband to do after work. He does 12 hour shifts so I make sure everything is done so when he’s off we can both spend time with our boys, as I believe that’s fair. In September our youngest starts school full time, when I’ll be going back to work term time. I would be saying something to him about the workload and fairness between you both

Well while nobody can make anybody go back to work, I do agree.
It's the only hope the marriage has.

I'm sorry if this offends but I'm not sure that being a sahd when the kids are at school has quite the same impact as a sahm.

For a start, as has been said time and time again, women do more around the house.
If they're not working, they do everything else.
Also, I think women get the ick when their partner's don't work when they do, the reverse is not true.

This bloke needs to get a job.
All the housework rotas in the world won't help at all.

I'm amazed he doesn't want to work. He clearly lacks the drive to go out there and provide for his family.