AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

He does deserve it, until he pulls his finger out or gets a job. He is an expensive pet at this point.

Personally, I think he needs to go back to work. Children are in school, he's not acting like a sahp; he's gaming instead of looking after the basics. I'd be making sniping comments, too!

Exactly. Even when women are sahm with school aged children they stlll do all the domestic drudgery.
It would be really odd if they didn't.

The dh here is simply taking the piss.
It's probably better for him to get a job.
He's obviously not the sort of guy to think 'OK what goes into running a house?' and taking the initiative.
And to be honest, I think that it would be better for them if he worked, too.

The OP should have zero - and I mean zero - chores to do.
He should be waiting every day with a chilled gin and tonic for her. 😁

He’s taking the piss OP

I haven’t heard this phrase on MN for a while but it’s very fitting here….”my vagina would clamp shut” 😆

It’s not man hating to say that a grown adult should pull their weight.

I am somewhat in this position, sole earner & partner has been SAHD for 20 years now. He has officially retired, does some work around the house but not as much as I would like. Now I wfh some days I see the rest time he has.
I try tasking him one 'fundamental' thing each day - a DIY task etc, that move things forward (discuss the list at the weekend, so timing is up to him). He always has daily/ weekly tasks: washing up, cleaning, vacuum etc. The cleaning isn't to a level I'd like, but I put up with it as long as it's done. I foolishly took over some tasks, as they weren't to my standard, and now I still have them.
I think they forget the effort taken to go to work, and I have to not come in and criticise the mess/ jobs not done, but I value his health and our relationship more.

if he’s not doing the basic household chores that you have both agreed, he deserves your digs!!!

To be fair I have read many threads where the OP is saying that her DH is moaning that she’s not doing enough at home.

There was one who’s DCs were teens and she still hadn’t done the chores.

This thread has triggered people because it said gaming but many other threads have said the SAHMs are busy out with their friends or doing other things that mean they can’t do all of the chores.

My opinion is the sane regardless of sexes.
If you are a SAHP then your job is doing all of the chores between 9-5.
The rest is 50:50 but there should be very little to do the rest of the time.

I think when all the DCs are settled in year 1 the SAHP needs to find PT work.
How many times have we read about someone being a SAHM for 20 years and then panicking that her DH is leaving and she doesn’t know how to work.

Why was he a SAHD for 20 years?

Do you have DCs with additional needs?

I get the idea of being a SAHP for the first few years as it can work out cheaper and easier but once they’re in school I don’t understand the need for it.

Here’s a comparison op.
when my dds both started school I took up a part time role term time.
My 6 hours were divided up 2 hours work, 2 hours house stuff, 2 hours me time
i got ALL house stuff done in that 5x2 hours
and as I’d had a lovely 10 hours me time mon- Fri, my then dh got a Saturday morning to play golf and he went exercising a few evenings a week.
it was a really happy time for everyone I think.
my kids were happy because I was there at pick up, plus I could ensure we did lots of lovely after school stuff
i was happy cos I got 2 hours off every day, plus loads of time with my kids
my dh was happy because he didn’t have to think about anything other than his work and could enjoy his own hobby and his kids on a weekend as all chores were done.

I feel strongly that your dh is rather horrid.

LTB OP and I’m not joking. He is taking the piss completely. You shouldn’t be coming home from working full time with the kids at school and doing housework whilst he is gaming all day. Another cocklodger looking for a free ride!!!

She won’t be fucked if she divorces him. He’ll be expected to look for work immediately because the kids are in school!

You say 'both' DC, so I presume you have 2 children.
Might be worth sitting a working out the money in detail if he was working.
Breakfast and afterschool club is around £10 a day per child, so thats £100 a week, approx £450 a month for both of them. (£4K max a year)
I'm pretty sure your DH could get a job taking home at least double or tripple that.
Leaving around £12k extra a year based on him having a relatively low paid job full time).
I don't think my maths is that off.

That’s completely ridiculous. I was a SAHM for a few years and did all that stuff. As soon as the youngest was in nursery I got a job. IME that’s the norm for a SAHP. He’s having a laugh.

I don't think that's strictly true. Alot of people on here tend to agree that house work etc should be 50/50 when the SAHP is at home with small children all day (that is exhausting) but when the SAHP has 5 hours free time every day to themselves then the working parent should get some free time as well especially when the SAHP is gaming all afternoon and the person bringing in the wage has to pay for a cleaner - I think most people would agree that that is an unfair situation whether you are male or female! 🙈

He's taking the piss, that's crazy to me that he's not doing all the cleaning and cooking.. He needs to get a job and pull his finger out. Tell him.

No it isn't always said on here. Not when the kids are in school FT - whether the SAHP is mum or dad. It's said when the SAHP is actually looking after the DCs all day.

@FateAmenableToChange haa nailed it @stormhex

Why the hell are you putting up with this shit?!

Your husband has no respect for you and is quite happy to watch you work your arse off he sits on his.

OP if you’re finding these posts harsh against your DH think of the benefit to his own self esteem. He surely can’t feel a great sense of self worth living as he currently is. I am a sahm but once my youngest goes to school, more for a sense of self worth/ mental stimulation than financial need, I will be looking to find a part time job or some way to contribute to the household income without reducing my availability to the kids. Your husband needs to do more with his days for himself as much as for you and the family.

I wonder how such amazing women with massive salaries fetch these men....

I was a SAHP for 8 years. I did all the housework and all the childcare. Why the hell are you paying for a cleaner. I went back to work PT when my youngest started school and back FT when he started at secondary. Hardest bit was DH having to get used to the idea that the more paid work I did, the more unpaid work he’d have to do. Your DH is taking the piss.

Have you tried a weekly list?
Honestly people might call it micromanaging but it was a game changer for our marriage. I work a corporate 9-5 and my husband is a paramedic working 3 or 4 12+hr shifts. Most weeks he works weekend which can lead to him having 3/4 days in the week off while DC are in childcare/I’m at work then I have to work 5 days and solo parent the weekends. In order to counteract any resentment I make a weekly list (my husband for all his amazing qualities can’t just look at the house and work out what needs done). Our deal is he can manage his time how he wants (including gaming/chill time) as long as everything gets done. Also means on his working weekends I don’t have to do anything other than look after the kids and the basics.

Nailed it!

May you share how do you finance his free time, clothes shopping and any boys night outs? Do you let him spend from your salary as he wants or give him an allowance?

I agree with the suggestion to have a lay it all bare chat.

• no gaming if there are chores to be done
• he does said chores
• you get equal amounts of hobby time
• if he doesn’t like it, he gets a job and you pay 50/50 for childcare
• if he won’t do that then it’s divorce time and 50/50 custody