AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

@NotMajorTom You’re right on the 1st two paragraphs. However you failed to pick up on the fact that the SATHH isn’t even doing half the housework during the week. Yes the working parent could/should get involved helping putting children to bed mid-week but if the SAH parent isn’t working at all, there shouldn’t be a need for a cleaner to be paid & for the working parent to come home to deal with house chores. Also as the children get older (especially after the younger(est) child starts school full time), the SAH parent should start working - part time to begin with (ideally in a job that fits around school hours). He/she should also gradually increase the working hours as the children get older & more independent. I started working 0.5FTE when my twin children were 1 year old yet was expected to do everything. Not saying that was right but just putting it into perspective as to how little the SAH parent is doing 🙄.

if both parents are working, they both pay an agreed % (same % but different amount) of their wages towards all bills including child care.

He is being ridiculous.

I work 4 days and I do most of the housework. The stuff I ask from my husband is stuff I can't do on my day off (putting washing away, washing the floors for a second time they week, hoovering in the evening)

I get so much done on one day, if I had 5 the house would be gleaming (although I still might ask him to put some washing away or run the hoover round)

Why are you doing things after work if they’ve already been left to be done all day? Just don’t do it. If DH needs a clean shirt, ask him did he put the washing out. If the house is a mess, walk round it. The more you do, the more he will let you. Try coming home, say you have a pounding headache, have your evening meal, then tell him you’re going to lie down for the evening. Do it now before the resentment turns into anger, which then turns to hate. Your job is to earn the money, HIS job is to housekeep, so that you are able to so without running yourself into the ground. Marriage is a partnership, not a one woman army.

When I was a SAHM I did EVERYTHING except mow the lawn, DIY and take the bins out, I mean everything and I was happy to do it. Weekends DH took over and we did 50/50. He's taking the absolute pi**. He needs to get back into work, even PT.

My SAHH was taking naps while I worked through the day with no breaks upstairs so I could hear him snoring while kids were at school and nursery. Nothing really done and kids were not being helps with homework or attended too at all. I cooked dinner and did all the meal plans and shopping plans too.
him going away with his mates and playing in a band was a break for me which always fell on a school holiday so I needed to take it off work and stay home with them which I enjoyed as time with them but also time to set the house back to semi presentable.
Many conversations and pleading, crying, charts, plans and then I broke and it ended up in breaking up and leaving for my own sanity.
if you have the deep conversation and he doesn’t step up, that is telling you something. But worth having.

Absolutely.

If a SAHM of school age children came on here and said she liked to game during the school day and wanted her DH to do most of the housework in the evenings after work, I guarantee she would get her arse absolutely handed to her.

What a waster OP, kids in school and what is he doing with his time other than gaming?! You have a cleaner aswell, all sounds ludicrous and he is a man child. He needs to find himself some purpose and get back to work or start doing more in the way of contributing to the housekeeping. Get rid of the cleaner and get him scrubbing the bog! I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old, I will need to find employment once my DC starts education even though I am expected to do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, caring and mental load for our child.

The children are at school he isn’t doing the basics so no need for him to be home, he should go back to work.