AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

@NotMajorTom You’re right on the 1st two paragraphs. However you failed to pick up on the fact that the SATHH isn’t even doing half the housework during the week. Yes the working parent could/should get involved helping putting children to bed mid-week but if the SAH parent isn’t working at all, there shouldn’t be a need for a cleaner to be paid & for the working parent to come home to deal with house chores. Also as the children get older (especially after the younger(est) child starts school full time), the SAH parent should start working - part time to begin with (ideally in a job that fits around school hours). He/she should also gradually increase the working hours as the children get older & more independent. I started working 0.5FTE when my twin children were 1 year old yet was expected to do everything. Not saying that was right but just putting it into perspective as to how little the SAH parent is doing 🙄.

if both parents are working, they both pay an agreed % (same % but different amount) of their wages towards all bills including child care.

He is being ridiculous.

I work 4 days and I do most of the housework. The stuff I ask from my husband is stuff I can't do on my day off (putting washing away, washing the floors for a second time they week, hoovering in the evening)

I get so much done on one day, if I had 5 the house would be gleaming (although I still might ask him to put some washing away or run the hoover round)

Why are you doing things after work if they’ve already been left to be done all day? Just don’t do it. If DH needs a clean shirt, ask him did he put the washing out. If the house is a mess, walk round it. The more you do, the more he will let you. Try coming home, say you have a pounding headache, have your evening meal, then tell him you’re going to lie down for the evening. Do it now before the resentment turns into anger, which then turns to hate. Your job is to earn the money, HIS job is to housekeep, so that you are able to so without running yourself into the ground. Marriage is a partnership, not a one woman army.

When I was a SAHM I did EVERYTHING except mow the lawn, DIY and take the bins out, I mean everything and I was happy to do it. Weekends DH took over and we did 50/50. He's taking the absolute pi**. He needs to get back into work, even PT.

My SAHH was taking naps while I worked through the day with no breaks upstairs so I could hear him snoring while kids were at school and nursery. Nothing really done and kids were not being helps with homework or attended too at all. I cooked dinner and did all the meal plans and shopping plans too.
him going away with his mates and playing in a band was a break for me which always fell on a school holiday so I needed to take it off work and stay home with them which I enjoyed as time with them but also time to set the house back to semi presentable.
Many conversations and pleading, crying, charts, plans and then I broke and it ended up in breaking up and leaving for my own sanity.
if you have the deep conversation and he doesn’t step up, that is telling you something. But worth having.

Absolutely.

If a SAHM of school age children came on here and said she liked to game during the school day and wanted her DH to do most of the housework in the evenings after work, I guarantee she would get her arse absolutely handed to her.

What a waster OP, kids in school and what is he doing with his time other than gaming?! You have a cleaner aswell, all sounds ludicrous and he is a man child. He needs to find himself some purpose and get back to work or start doing more in the way of contributing to the housekeeping. Get rid of the cleaner and get him scrubbing the bog! I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old, I will need to find employment once my DC starts education even though I am expected to do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, caring and mental load for our child.

The children are at school he isn’t doing the basics so no need for him to be home, he should go back to work.

Cooking the evening meal is the easiest part of my day. He shouldn’t get kudos for that.

I divorced my husband because he was like this. He wasn’t a SAHD, but had a very cushy job that paid very little and he let me to pay the mortgage, all bills and living expenses, plus nursery fees. I would drop our child at nursery and collect her after work. When I first met him (before kids) he was fired. For 6 weeks he did NOTHING all day. I told him that he couldn’t live in my home while unemployed so he found his cushy job.

I divorced him before Covid. He monkey branched to another woman who he then sponged off and continues to do so. He’s been unemployed for the past two years and she pays for a nanny for their child. He games all day. They also have a cleaner.

Moral of the story is that a loser will always be a loser. You just need to decide if you’re willing to bank roll him or not. I think resentment is your internal alarm telling you that you’re being taken advantage of.

My life is significantly easier as a solo Mum. I pay for everything, but I am no longer paying his way, so I’m better off financially.

I was a SAHM. I did not get a job when the children went to school. I did the washing and the cooking and everything else relating to the house - repairing things, gardening, putting the rubbish out, dealing with tradespeople, buying the food. I carried the mental load for everything to do with the house and children. I was always there for the children and did whatever needed doing. I booked holidays and took the car to the garage.

On the other hand, my days were pretty relaxed. I met friends for walks and coffee. I took my time over lunch, reading a book. We had a cleaner who also did the ironing. My husband spent loads of time with the kids when he wasn’t at work, because he valued it. There were often bits of washing-up which he ended up doing because he liked to keep busy and I preferred to leave evening washing-up till the next day when I would have the time and energy rather than do it at night. He also did some cooking.

My husband and I were both very happy with the arrangement. Neither of us felt hard done by. He had time to meet friends too and he enjoyed his job.

If your husband is getting everything done that needs doing, I don’t think you should resent him. Is he?

If it’s mainly the fact that you are looking after the children at weekends that annoys you, why does it annoy you? Do you not value the chance to be with them?

Do you not enjoy your job?

You are still in the stage of life when everything is very busy for both parents. So when the kids are around, neither of you will get much downtime. Admittedly, he has a quieter time during the school day. Is he getting everything done that he should during that time? If he is, maybe you’re being harsh.

Is it the evening washing-up that’s annoying you? If that’s a particular bug-bear then raise that with him specifically.

Having said all that, there’s something about spending a lot of time gaming, especially during the day, that just seems totally loser-ish. What a pointless way to waste time. It would annoy the hell out of me - surely there are so many better things to do. Bad for mental health and motivation too, I should imagine.

But I’m not a gamer. Maybe I’m unfair.

I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling resentful in the situation you describe @stormhex. You husband is lazy, selfish and is treating you with a total lack of respect. To be a SAHP once the DC are in full time school is a very privilged position to be in. Instead of being grateful that you are supporting him and the DC fully, he isn't even managing to tidy up the house and do the laundry, leaving it for you to do after a long day at work.
He clearly needs a job now that the DC are in school. I would honestly consider divorcing him if he doesn't take the initiative to find one or make very major changes to the way he is behaving.

I would've divorced him the second he tried to give up work 😩

Girl, love yourself and leave x

Just read back and realised it’s not bits of washing-up you’re doing in the evenings, it’s the laundry. That’s pretty rubbish.

Tidying can sometimes be a mismatch of mess tolerance, which results in one partner doing more tidying than the other. But the gaming does suggest he’s simply not pulling his weight.

Anyway, to answer your question, obviously you must have the awkward conversation. Communication is vital, whoever’s in the wrong. Always communicate. Simply carrying on feeling resentful and not saying anything about it is a terrible option.

It sounds like he's happy with not working and being taken care of financially but not with the other bits of the gender swap...ie the drudgy bits. You even have a cleaner? How many ft sahm with kids in school have a cleaner? This is ridiculous. He probably feels emasculated which is his own problem not yours. I would gently suggest to him that he might like to get a job....

If he's not contributing to the household by cleaning and lightening the load on you then he needs to work. Otherwise he is basically a cocklodger really.

So he's gaming and watching porn

Time for him to get a job, or a divorce

He's has no excuses not to work, the kids are in full time education

I don’t understand why ‘gaming’ is seen as less worthy a hobby than being on your phone/ SM. I know a lot of SAHM who spend hours on SM/ MN or spend hours with friends/ having coffee.
Why is gaming so much worse?

This will impact your relationship and it’s very often sex that will go.
Your desire for him will disappear. It’s the way women are wired, you may consciously resist declining desire for a SAHH but your body won’t lie.

I’ve never seen a thread in which a SAHP is told their partner should do 50% of all housework. Can you link to one?

I’ve seen many many threads - and I’ve said this also - where what isn’t done during the day gets shared when the working parent comes home. When children are very small very little will get done and most housework will be split 50/50. As they get older and go to school etc, there is much more scope to do housework during the day and very little should be left to the weekend.

I’d be interested also if you can link to the threads where women who are SAHP ask if they’re being unreasonable to spend hours gaming whilst their children are at school and leave the housework to their working partner?

You need to have a proper talk. Snide digs just don’t work effectively.

Not U to unilaterally change your mind about willingness to continue to be sole earner, as long as you make compromises at work and financially to aid your H’s to return to paid work and work prospects.

Wouldn’t be U if his parenting / share of the domestic work was the ideal.

A SAH model has pros and cons (as do other approaches): it’s fine to say that the cons, for you, now mean the current set up is no longer working for you.

Neither DH nor I were willing to be sole earner, barring ill health or other issue.

Agree that digs are crap: decide what you want to change and what your ‘deal breakers’ are and have it out properly.

If he wasn’t gaming all afternoon then there wouldn’t be housework in the weekends. Only incidental mess and tidying made on the day. Although as he is taking his free time during the week gaming all afternoon, you could see that he has chosen to split his workload across the week rather than having a full weekend off so he should in this case do the buljnofvweehehf tidying.

and yes if he was gainfully occupied by ensuring all tasks that could he done during the week were done then absolutely working partner pays into their pension .

and yes. If he was employed they would share childcare costs in ratio to their earnings.

what’s your confusion?

His literal job is to run the household. He isn't doing that does he not realise that he can do both? Chores don't last all day.

I wouldn't be digging him, I'd be having a full on conversation about how you're feeling resentful and if he doesn't start pulling his weight then he needs to find a job.

There is absolutely no reason he doesn't have to work, now the kids are at school.