AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

Hi op of course you are going to feel some resentment your doing almost everything even though he’s at home I think you should be looking at him getting a paid job now as he’s going to stay how he is gaming and barely doing the minimum around the house. Cooking is hardly a massive contribution just say we need to get the balance right or you go part time to give you some me time. Op to be fair if mums do stay at home the chances are they would work once kids are at school even if it’s part time. Unless they are super wealthy.

Sit him down, ask to chat to him about something serious and then explain that the current set up is going to destroy your marriage as you feel X after working 8 hours a day and find he has gamed for 6.

as a minimum you need him to do X, Y and Z before he starts gaming, but perhaps it’s time for him to return to work part time. Or maybe you should swap and he should go back to work and you could go part time. (I think this option is the worst and you’ll end up doing everything but I think it’s worth bringing up to show him how serious you are). You could also say last week I spent X hours working and Y hours doing household chores. Is he doing even 1/2 of X in work around the house? Just to even make it kind of fair then he should take back all of the household tasks freeing up Y hours for you.

At least then it’s all out in the open and if he’s still a turd after then probably nothing can fix your resentment as your husband is having an easy life at the expense of your labour and exhaustion

He should be doing all the chores. With a SAHP and a cleaner once he gets into a rhythm it’ll take an hour per day tops to do everything needed. He can game for an hour over what would be the lunch break. Tell him to look up the organised mum method

Being a sahp isn't everyones idea of fun

This. I totally understand OP’s resentment but nothing will change if she’s not communicating her wants or agreeing/ re-negotiating how they do life now

Please point us to these threads where SAHMs have stated that they do nothing all day but still expect their husbands to do all the cooking/cleaning/childcare when they get home from work. I must have missed these threads as I can't imagine that posters would pat the OP on the back and tell them that their husbands are the problem.

If you don’t mind sharing, what work were you doing for x2 hours a day?

Also, did you continue this work during school holidays?

“How do I tell my H to get off his arse and contribute equally?”

fixed it for you

I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially.

With 2 in school full time? Really?

Im sure there must be maybe something he could do part time. Afterschool club is usually about £20 a kid, so £40 total. Minimum wage at £12.71 for 8 hours work is just over a hundred quid. That's £60 a day. Allowing a tenner for transport costs, £50.

If he did that 2-3 days a week he would pay almost no tax but would probably boost your family budget by £600 a month & he'd get some paid holiday too.

How is that not worth it?

Bin the cleaner. That's ridiculous when you have someone at home all day. Dh and I both work & earn loads and don't have one.

That’s not ok if he’s gaming all afternoon and you’re having to come home and start housework!!

This

If you were at home all day, would you do the bare minimum and would your dh be happy to come home and get on with the housework? Then merrily pay your way for you? Holidays etc? Get involved in financial decisions?

No. Thought not. He's setting a very bad example to your kids.

I

I don’t mind. I became a swimming teacher for a company who offered school swimming. All the schools in the area came, and I topped up with private lessons. If relevant, I’m a good teacher, so have a waiting list down the street for private lessons, so I can do as much or as little as I want, I pick and choose to suit my own time. It has been a perfect job for me. School holidays not at first but when youngest turned 8, I started doing swimming holiday clubs and dd joined in.

Brilliant! Thanks for sharing. I’d love a list of jobs which can work with this kid of flexibility, but it doesn’t seem to exist!

how dim/lacking care would a husband need to be to need to be actually told that him sitting on his arse all day whilst his wife earns all the money then comes home and starts on the laundry, isn’t exactly fair.
he knows.
he doesn’t give a shit.

Think of absolutely anything you can do on an hourly basis (not that one!) where you can pick your own hours to no detriment. My friend became a beautician working out of her own home. She does as many or as few hours as suits her life at that time. My neighbour does peoples gardens. All our own businesses now (didn’t start as such) so completely flexible.

He needs to get a job. Why should he do sweet bugger all. He’s got a huge pension deficit so will be taking yours, regardless of you being together or not. Time to get a job nor move out.

It’s not said that SAHM’s should spend every afternoon just gaming or otherwise have all their time just to themselves, no. Many are told “now they’re at school you should be getting through xyz”

And usually told it’s time to get a job once kids are at school.

I’ll grant you the pension thing is said, but only when the OP isn’t getting CB to cover this.

urgh I was a sahm with pre school kids and I still did the vast majority of the cooking, cleaning and housework. Yes DH pulled his weight, but I had some time to myself (couple mornings a week of nursery) and got all the household stuff done. Now the kids are in school full time I work part time. DH probably does have to do a bit more housework than when I was a sahm, but we have more money and the kids are way less intense to care for so I think it evens out.

YANBU, I’d be very resentful if DH gamed half the day and didn’t even do the basics, and I’d say the same if it was a SAHM too

Thank you - great advice.

Fuck that. You don’t need a stay at home parent when kids are at school full time. SAHP is for under 5s only. He needs to get a job.

This was me until my youngest was 9 and I grew increasingly frustrated with my ex.

He felt no obligation as I would have to see the deal as - you sort out house stuff & I’ll bring home the money- he wanted me to do both & I felt sort of exploited in the end.

The arrangement wasn’t good for either of us in the end. He’s never had a job for years and lives on benefits in a tiny bedsit with hoarding issues now. At least we split up I hardly noticed the difference in workload.He was so successful at reducing his work burden that I was doing everything anyway.

He deserves tge digs girl! I’m a SAHM my twins started nursery last September. I got a job straight away but left in Jan as it was toxic af. I do nearly everything. Most the cooking, laundry, cleaning, ironing etc. My partner cooks on the weekend, puts the bins out and washes up
in the evening. I feel like your husband is taking the p a little to be honest. You should not be hiring a cleaner that’s crazy, he should be doing it.

You need a word with him about expectations and fairness. If he can't organise himself with chores that need doing he'll need a daily list.

This is on him and you are tolerating this.
A gamer?
Are you out of your mind accepting this.
You have a cleaner too?

You need to sit down and spell it out to him.

Otherwise your marriage will not last.
He needs to be finding a job and contributing.