AIBU and how do I stop feeling so resentful of my SAHH?

[stormhex]

Right, I'll try to keep this breif but need some outside perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore.I work long hours and bring in a good salaray. Sole earner for the family. DH gave up work years ago which made total sense when the DCs were small, childcare is expensive and someone needed to be around. No issue with that at all and I suported that decison fully. And before anyone says it, yes I've done the maths and with what he could realisticaly earn versus the cost of childcare and everything else, it genuinley wouldnt be worth it financially. So thats not really the point here.

Here's the thing though. Both DCs are now at school FT. So DH has a good chunk of the day completley free. And yet the basic stuff isn't getting done. I'm coming home after a long day and hanging out washing, tidying up etc. Meanwhile he's been on the gaming all afternoon. We even pay for a cleaner so its not like I'm expeting him to scrub the toilets, just the basic everyday stuff.
To be fair he does cook the evening meal everyday, I'll give him that.

Weekends I'm not exactley putting my feet up either. I make a real effort to be present and involed with the DCs and there activities. So between work, coming home to chores, and weekends with the DCs, I genuinley have zero time to myself.

The thing is I can feel the resentment seeping out of me in snide comments and little digs and I hate myself for it. DH doesnt deserve that and its not who I want to be. But I cant seem to stop it and I'm worried its starting to do real damage to our M.I'm not a naturally resentful person and it doesnt sit right with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Did the resentment ever go away or did you just have to have the awkward conversation?

You’re not a stay at home parent once your kids are at school. You’re unemployed. He needs to get a job. Im baffled you’ve been the solo earner this long, you’ve been walked all over!! And yes I’d say this to a dad in a reverse situation

Have you had a sit down and talk about this OP? You need to lay your cards on the table. It isn't reasonable for him to have the whole day free and just do an hour or so of cooking in the evening and you working all day and coming home to do chores. Your resentment is just going to grow as the kids get older and need even less of his time for holidays, sickness, etc.

As well as your resentment - his lazing the days away will likely be detrimental to his mental health and increase his resentment of the marriage. Being in a role with no social prestige takes its toll. I'm not suggesting there needs to be a hard push on him to earn money or take on ALL the housework, etc. Moving on from the SAHP routine can be difficult - hard to get into a job that isn't drudge work if your skills have atrophied while kids were young. And if your partner earns well and your job is always the one that has to give around the kids timetable etc. and pays much less then it can be less rewarding. But he probably needs to focus on something that will make him feel good about himself and more inclined to do a reasonable share at home.

I don’t understand why this would be an ‘awkward conversation’?

If the chores aren’t getting done then ask him why.

His job is 9-5 like yours is and so evenings and weekends everything should be 50/50 but there should be hardly any chores to do.

What chores are not getting done?

Is it more than he has much more free time?

What was the agreement when the DCs started school?
Surely he wasn’t planning on being a SAHD forever.

I have been in a very similar position to you OP. DH became a SAHD around 5 years ago and things started well but he gradually stopped doing so much cleaning and housework etc and I was doing more and more of it myself on wfh days and weekends. Part of the reason was that DH had actually become depressed, it slowly crept up on us. Recently, after much cajoling from me, he went to the doctor and started on antidepressants and things have already improved so much, depression was making him lethargic and lacking motivation to do anything. We still have a way to go but I’m so happy to have some of the “old” DH back. Is there any chance your DH is depressed?

Link to these threads please. Or pop on back to your the MGTOW reddit.

Is he depressed? His day sounds very empty. Why cant he get a part time job now?

Yanbu to be frustrated op. Our youngest is 3 so not in school yet but he does go to preschool 3 days a week and I get pretty much everything around the house done in that time and still have a reasonable amount of downtime. Dh is still expected to stack the dishwasher, put the kids to bed and contribute to the stuff that goes on outside of working hours, but it would be absolute bullshit for me to spend all day sat on my ass while he works and then expect him to pick up the slack. It's really not a fair division of labour, I'd get snippy too if I were you.

He can at least get a school hours job!

Resentment is justified in this scenario, but it will just get worse if you don't communicate it. Your problem is that you haven't renegotiated responsibilities when significant changes happen. In your case, the significant change point would be thechildren in full-time for school.

It's not too late. Sit down and have a chat. Say what you said here. This arrangement worked well when the children were small and required full-time care, but now they're in school, things are different and the reasonable thing is that he either finds part-time work or does the lion’s share of housework. In a 6 hour school day, he'd still have half of that is available for himself, which is still a huge luxury!

Renegotiation time!!

Your house should be spotless, the washing hung up, dinner cooked every night. You should have a lie in, once a week and a night out once a month That is what should be expected, regardless which parent sah.
This would be the very least I would expect

Start your conversation by saying that you are concerned by the growing resentment. You want a fair division of work, family time and solo time (work includes paid or household). You should also be ready to discuss any hopes/plans he has to get back into paid work. Perhaps he wants to spend his personal time gaming, and that's his choice, but you should have equal time "off". I think an honest list of who does what (and how long it takes) is a good starting point.

He's either 'yay i get to play video games all day' or 'shit, how do i fill this emptiness', but whatever - he is taking the piss

He needs to get a job.

Yanbu and I never ever side with a woman just because it’s a women. I’m a sahm now and my kids are finally in school for a full day. There is plenty time to do everything around the house, cook a healthy meal and still have an hour or two for myself.
I also have a cleaner 2x a week so very much in the same position as your dh.
he has so much time that are completely justified in feeling resentful.
Being a sahp means that the entire family has a more balanced life. How is it that you are doing a ft Job and still coming home and doing more.
when dh gets home the kids have had their bath, homework done and dinner. The evenings are just spent on family time.

If he’s doing everything he should be doing, and then gaming I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem. No way should you be living with this set up

Either he gets a job and starts contributing more financially or he does more of the house work. If he gets a job you still need to divide the remaining housework up evenly.

Incredible that you have a cleaner when he's at home full time but I would definitely keep the cleaner given how lazy he is. He just needs to do more of the other stuff.

This simply isn’t fair. The stay at home parent should be managing all of the domestic stuff that isn’t outsourced. This lazy man is taking the piss.

OF COURSE you feel resentment towards someone who is taking the absolute piss out of you!! There is not a chance on earth I would stay married to someone who treats me like this. How dare he use you like this?!? I’m actually baffled to how it got this far and why you are so ridiculously passive.

the posters upthread who are saying it should be 50/50 etc must have clearly missed the fact that you have school age kids.

He does deserve it.
He needs to go back to work if he’s not prepared to do the majority of household stuff

Sounds like a reverse to me.

As soon as you said “gaming” I knew he was a deadbeat. wtf is it with adults (usually men) with children who waste away hours of their life gaming in an imaginary world?! I agree you need to have a conversation with him. I’ve got a few friends who were SAHM’s before their kids went to school, they have all gone on to gain some form of part time work since the kids all were in school. He could get a low paid flexible job that could be done in school hours or even in the evenings. No reason for him to literally not be working in any capacity!

did you totally miss that on those particular threads, they’re generally talking about pre school kids or they do absolutely everything. I have never ever seen a thread saying ‘I do absolutely nothing all day except game, my husband comes home from work and starts the laundry, we have a cleaner, I do the cooking, and take the kids to and from school’

And this is the difference between SAHfathers and SAHMs.

Generallt, women are socialised to look after others. Generally, men are not.

YANBU at all @stormhex and if i were you id stop doing any of thr housework he should be doing during the week.

Also, you need to tell him how you feel about this and present this rationally as him not pulling his weight. Tell him ges putting his marriage in jeopardy. Most women start to move back into the workforce when their DC are old enough not to need really absorbing hands on care.

I have never ever seen a thread saying ‘I do absolutely nothing all day except game, my husband comes home from work and starts the laundry, we have a cleaner, I do the cooking, and take the kids to and from school’

This 100%.

There’s very little point in trying to make out that the OP is unreasonable by reversing the sexes.

You should not be coming home from work and doing any house work in my opinion.

I think it can be very difficult when the resentment sets in to go back to how things were before. If he’s unlikely to get to grips with being responsible for the bulk of the housework then he should be encouraged back out to work fairly swiftly. Then if you’re still feeling resentful and plotting your exit a few years down the line he won’t be able to claim that’s he’s the primary carer for the DC. Or you might not feel resentful as he’s out at work and the housework is split as is the free time.