To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

Why is it ‘odd’ that other people place importance on different things to you? Have you always struggled to get your head round it?

I am increasingly sorry for her children. If you and your husband are unable to get out of this then I would make plans.
Book yourself into a spa or an activity you enjoy for the day. Husband does the kids activities with them then takes all three for a non Mother’s Day treat lunch and afternoon. DSKs back to their Mum’s. You then have teatime with just the three of you. Up to husband to make this special.
Book a weekend away for Mother’s Day 2028 now!

Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

It is not his ex he is running after though is it it is HIS dc. Heavens above OP if something so trivial is causing so much angst you have to start a post then your life must be pretty good.

If I split from DH, I’d always give him first refusal of Father’s Day and I’d always ask to have Mother’s Day.

We’ve only heard the children are sad from OP who loves Mother’s Day, the Mum has probably told her kids it’s a pile of shit.

You are creating such a fuss over what is a hallmark day. Get a grip OP.

It is pretty good 😂

I understand that the step-children may be upset to have to spend this day with you rather than their mother, but if you go ahead with the arrangement, that's her problem not yours. And as your daughter is only 3, is she really going to notice that this "special day" hasn't been observed? It will be you who is upset not being honoured by her and your DH on that day. Can't you arrange for something special to happen with just them on another day? I know it's not what you want, but if she's unable to rearrange her holiday, it might be what you're stuck with. If this situation continues to arise at other times when your daughter is older, then I'd book something special for the two of you to do together that will be memorable. I seriously doubt that your daughter is going to miss out on anything significant in your relationship if you fail to "observe" Mother's Day on the right day or that as she grows up she'll even remember it was a "thing".

Who even knows when mother's day is next year. So I don't think that should matter. Nobody is saying you can't see your kids on mothrrx day.

And DSD’s teacher

I don’t think they’ll be so upset as they get older, but they certainly won’t want to cancel their clubs to celebrate me being a mother to their sibling whilst their mum’s on holiday being celebrated by their other sibling.

Feel you've had a hard time here OP. For what it's worth I'm with you.

It would be interesting to see the replies you'd get if you as the SM went away with only your husband and shared DC, leaving the SK behind..

Their HIS kids, Your sugesting that if their mother giving him 10 months notice of a holiday and asked the childrens father to care for them, its dumping them. Please ...

it aint me thats warped ...

If we refused to have DSC and went away as a three for Father’s Day I’m sure their mum would crucify us too. It’s hypocritical to the maxxxx

Mother’s Day is one day out of 365. Choose a different day to celebrate how you want to celebrate. If DSC’s clubs are such an issue for you, pull them out for that one day - less running around. You could do something really nice with all the children instead of sounding bitter about having them.

The point you’re missing is they don’t want to celebrate with me. They want to celebrate with their mum or not at all.

I think this is a case where everyone is being a bit unreasonable.

Unfortunately you do have to compromise a lot more when you're in a blended family. Your traditions aren't going to be the same, they need to expand to include DSC.

I do think DSCs mum is being a bit unfair taking one child away on mothers day and leaving the two older ones where they're clearly not wanted - although I mainly feel for the kids here.

Your DH is being unreasonable if he's sitting back letting you and DSCs mum sort this out - they're his kids, not yours.

If you do end up with DSC on this weekend there's no reason why it still can't be lovely. Can you just skip the activities for a week and spend some family time together? And you should swap another weekend rather than doing three in a row so you can have a bit of a break.

As always it's the kids I feel sorry for. It looks like both parents want to focus on their new partner, youngest child and the perfect little nuclear family. Older kids are being passed around like nobody wants them.

How do you know they are going away for mothers day, it could be that they are just going away. Mothers day is not the be all and end all for everyone. Its also a cheaper time to go away.

If you want “a bit of effort” the person you need to be annoyed at is DH, not his ex.

If you are really going to block the holiday with ten months notice then you will appear to be very petty - is that really what you want? It's plainly not as important a thing to her (or most peopel) as it is to you.

I’m astonished that a 10 and 11 year old have been complaining and depressed about mother’s day when most DC have to be reminded it exists.

If the real problem they have is that sometimes the youngest sibling is with their mum when they are not - well that is life in a blended family and it is something DH needs to talk to them about. The alternative would be your step children not spending time with DH.

See my previous reply. She said she knew and that she’d let us have Mother’s Day

Sorry haven’t rtft but does she know? I’ve 4 kids and worked on a gift shop and still wouldn’t know the exact date!!

No, my weekends often fell on dads and I didn’t think anything of it. It’s a date in the year, my children are grown adults it’s not harmed them.
What do you think shift workers do (I was cabin crew before divorce and often out the country!)

Sorry, just read your last post!

Well, he’s not ‘running around after his ex’, he’s running around after his children.

That’s because schools too make a thing of it, which is really wrong as some children don’t have a mother at all.

That's insane. Oh yes I know it's Mother's Day so I thought I'd let you, their Father, have it so they're not with their actual Mother.

Why can't they take both kids on holiday? They're already taking one of her kids. They just need to alter their booking.

Does she know that her DD was upset last year?

If this goes ahead OP I would just pick a random Sunday and declare it your Mother's Day. We have done that a few times for convenience.