To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

I think going away with just one child is a bit weird, but the rest of it is fine. Mother's Day is a made-up nonsense. You're a Mother every day of the year. Your DH can focus on you/give you a break/spoil you on any of the other days. I assume you won't have them the weekend before or after this so do something then.

For a while it fell that my DC were at their dad's on Mother's Day and I loved it. I don't think it's weird to choose or enjoy that.

It’ll be my third Mother’s Day and all of them have been spent, at least in part, with DSC.

When I was a kid, I loved bringing breakfast up to my mum, giving her a card then having a nice afternoon lunch special day trip out somewhere. I would love to have the same tradition with my child(ren).

We’ll have them the weekend before and after Mother’s Day too. This wasn’t supposed to be our weekend and the schedule won’t otherwise change.

can your DH give them to their grandma? She might want them for the day.

Just do your Mother’s Day plans the weekend before or after? You only have his children 4/14 days so I’m sure there are plenty of opportunities for something just the 3 of you.

You can still do that, hopefully next year DC will be old enough to do this with DHs help

I'm more surprised that she's happy to skip three weekends in a row with them than the Mothers day issue!

But the point stands, have Mother's Day how you want it with breakfast in bed etc another day. Literally any other day of the year. In fact why not start a new tradition where you have Mother's Day once a month?! It'd be nice to have breakfast in bed and a nice family day out more often than once a year wouldn't it?

I can’t with DSC there as they don’t want to do Mother’s Day activities for me (which is completely fair enough) and they have their clubs to attend. If I tried to engineer a Mother’s Day day out, they’d not want to.

I could do it all alone with DD, but why is my enjoyment of Mother’s Day less important than my husband’s ex’s?

This wouldn't bother me too much because mother's day isn't a big deal for me, but if it is for you then I think YANBU to feel a bit pissed off about this.

In that case, I definitely think she’s being unfair here and you’re not being unreasonable. As a SM myself, I often think our wants and needs can get sidelined and we’re supposed to just suck it up. I get she wants a break for Mother’s Day and that’s her choice, but she’s forgetting you’re also a mother and may want to make plans yourself.

You’re entitled to say no. You’re a mother here too.

I gave up on Mother’s Day once I realised that it was being used by other women (especially my late ExMIL, DHsEx) to pull rank over me. Quite frankly, I had enough, took a leaf out of my own late DMs book and decided to let them dance around and think they had got one over on me. My DM felt it was an over commercialised ‘celebration’ and I just organised things I wanted to do on a different day when things went back to normal prices.

@InkyB - this is one year- use the notice period to plan something nice for all your DCs (SDCs included) as a family that you’d all enjoy. It could be a lovely memory for all of you and help your SDCs spend a special day with their half-sibling. Will be nice for your DH to do something with all his DCs together.

Do you go to a church service on Mothering Sunday?

Why can't your DH take the older ones out while you enjoy your day?

That's on your husband isn't it not his ex. It wouldn't even occur to me to check when Mother's Day or Father's Day is before booking a holiday.

It’s not, but the kids dad has 10 months notice and that’s plenty of time for him to sort something out, even if it’s a grandparent (or similar) to take them to clubs and out for the afternoon. He doesn’t have his own kids very often, and their mum has given a huge amount of notice for an extra weekend and I think he should accommodate it. I don’t think that means you should accommodate it. You need to make it a him problem.

Sorry just seen your update that the past 3 years you’ve had the SDCs and they refuse to celebrate Mother’s Day with you. Perhaps the next year, you could arrange for you, your DH and DC to go away that weekend.

I have no idea what date Mothers Day is next year. If I was planning a holiday for a long weekend I don't think it would occur to me to check that it wasn't falling on Mother's Day.

Op this is the breaks with a blended family. A years notice is so much notice. She's not doing anything unreasonable.

Are you prepared for all your dsc to come live with you full time if circumstances changed tomorrow?

There's no reason why you can't have a break and your dh take all the kids out or some of the kids out.

Yabvu to judge another woman for going away for a couple of days just because it's mother's day.

I would also say that there's no reason why you can't do a nice day out. You don't need to label it as mother's day your dh can still help your dd to do mothers day things for you.

Mother’s Day is really not a thing for a lot of people

It is for me.

Just move your Mother’s Day to the following weekend? There are no laws you know

I would make plans for the weekend with your DC. Husband can do the running around, lunch etc with his kids. Could you spend the day with your mum?

Mother's Day isn't a big deal for that many people. I'd think it odd to place so much importance on it that you need to plan the whole of the rest of your life around it.

Sorry to trot this line out but you chose to marry a man who had kids already. Accommodating his children so the mum can go on a short holiday isn’t “running around” after her. If she has the kids most of the time then she needs the break more than you do. I agree it might be for a wedding or something that maybe her older children can’t go to, and she can’t alter the date.

I mean - just say no? Or say ok Sally if you're having that weekend then you can have them the weekend before and we will go off on a mother's day weekend with our kids.