To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

She wanted to be the primary carer for maintenance and benefits reasons. Did she tell you that was the reason? Or did her ex?

You can still do that with all 3 there

I love how you are the petty one when their own mother dumped them 3 years in a row. Yanbu to want to spend it with your own child only. Your dh should have said No. Not only has she dumped them but is only taking her new child along. Only on here is she a better mother than you. I would be really pissed off op.

You’ve only had a few Mother’s Days OP. I’m a single mum with similar age kids and my exh did nothing for me on Mother’s Day this year. Trust me when you’ve had 11 Mother’s Days with no effort shown to you, you might feel differently about the day.

I think she sounds appalling for ditching 2/3 of her children on Mother’s Day. The problem is that you unfortunately do have to just suck it up because you can’t reject them as well - and it’s going to be feature of life with a selfish co-parent so you’ll need to be flexible about this sort of thing. I would be very cross but try to plan the day do that you can fit in something special with your child.

The point is she has their kids the majority of the time. She is asking their father to have them an extra weekend, and giving him a year's notice. She isn't asking you, he is asking you to accommodate that. If you don't want their/his kids for an extra weekend, it is for him to navigate the situation. I think he would be highly unreasonable to refuse. But you can decide to refuse if you choose. I do think you are highly unreasonable for making this an ex versus you thing - your needing a break versus her needing a break, her having the kids for benefits/maintenance reasons etc. Take this up with your DH. She is entitled to ask the father of her children to do this.

She's taking the piss saying she'll "let" your husband "have Mother's Day this year" - he's not their mother. If she'd said "sorry, it's the only time NewHusband and I can go, and we have to bring 4yo because there's no one to watch him, but we'll celebrate MD before we go/we don't really celebrate it anyway" I'd have had more sympathy. Either way, it's OK to say no to a change in the agreed-upon schedule if it's not convenient and that shouldn't mean losing time with the children overall. In this case I might take them and include them BUT if the accommodation is all one way like it sounds, YourHusband should make it clear it's a one time exception and the basic agreement may need to change.

She wanted to be the primary carer for maintenance and benefits reasons. She has a habit of acting like granting us extra time with the children is a huge favour and that we should thank her... This is horrible if true; the arrangement should strongly (if not only) prioritise what's best for the children. But I don't think there's much you can do about it except supporting your husband in getting a more equal fixed arrangement in place, even if that has to be through formal channels.

Thanks, I should have known better than to post as a SM!

If I’d posted a reverse as her, I’d have been torn to shreds.

I wouldn't/don't have the foggiest idea when Mother's Day is next or any other year - until advertising start reminding me it's coming up. It wouldn't even occur to me to check if any holiday I booked would be at the same time. There's a very good chance she didn't do this on purpose.

Because she bagged it first this year. If celebrating it without your SCs is important to you, make an agreement now about the year after so that their mother will have them that weekend.

I mean, these are just the breaks with a blended family, aren't they? If you want certain occasions to just be you and your child/children, you need to pre-arrange it.

I think the most obvious solution - if you have already agreed to doing it and can't change it - is to do something special with your own dc and let DH sort out his kids.

You could ask for one of the adjacent weekends, so a swap rather than an extra weekend - depends how you normally do things.

I don't particularly look at mothers/fathers day dates when planning, but I'm not part of a blended family and see my kids pretty much every weekend, so it doesn't feel so important to me.

These posts depress me. You are saying you could enjoy mothers day with your own child but not your own child and step kids.

You could celebrate the week before or after also.

You shouldn't have married a man with kids.

Say yes but she needs to collect? It’s also highly possible she hasn’t realised it’s Mother’s Day a year in advance.

Because they don’t want to celebrate with me. It’s a day for mothers and I’m not their mother. Being with me on Mother’s Day makes them sad, as it has the past two years.

When they were younger, if we had them on that day and she didn’t want to swap, we’d spend time doing crafts and making cards for her. But I don’t want to do that with my own child on Mother’s Day; I want a bit of effort made for me!

You just do Mothers Day another weekend, surely? Like how emergency services etc families do a Christmas over different dates. It's really just a day when you get a lie in and a bunch of daffodils, after all.

I think you had pre-warning then from previous years that this could be the situation.

You're not being unreasonable but you have tied your life to this woman and her children and are living with the consequences.

Yeah you are right. I guess the lesson is to book our holidays first.

Anyway, DH has messaged me to say let’s look at the calendar tonight and reply to her, so I’m going to say no to that weekend. It’s not important to her but it is to me.

Very unlikely. “Ex DH only has his kids every other weekend and half the holidays, I’ve given 10 months notice to have them an extra day weekend on Mother’s Day and he doesn’t want to have them because of his new wife, AIBU’ - people wouldn’t say she was unreasonable for asking him to have his own kids on mothers day with so much notice.

The Mums in our family go out together for afternoon tea and fizz or a meal and cocktails, without husbands and children! It’s lovely.

I would say YABU cos I do not get the madness of Mother’s Day!! Like there no need to go all out or make a big deal of what was a religious thing turned into a hallmark day by card companies to make money. The kids can miss their hobby for a week if needs be and you could plan a lovely day out as a family.

But what did you expect to happen when you married a man with children? Your break is any weekend when you don't have them.
It's a year in advance, surely you can swap weekends so you get one which is either side of it. If you want a complete break, nothing stops you from divorcing him. Other than that, you are a normal step parent with all that it entails.
Mother's day is nether here not there. Neither is her wanting to be a primary carere for maintenance and benefits purposes. Unless you imply that you want step kids to live with you full time, I don't see how this is relevant at all.

Just tell her no, if you don’t want to do it.

That’s what I will be doing!

Didn't you post the same thing word for word a few months ago?

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate.

She's making a very reasonable request. Your DH should get back to her and say he's not available because it's mothers day.

What's the problem with doing this?