To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

I find it odd that a 10 year old and 11 year old get mopey about Mother’s Day. Surely the issue for them is that their mother goes on holiday with shiny new family and doesn’t take them .

Why weird

mini blondes 9 sees ex dh aka dad on Sundays usually

she said this year she wanted to to be with me all day on md .

Last year was brunch with me. Then to dads in afternoon.

she didnt want that this year so the plan was for her to see him sat instead but he was ill so didn’t happen regardless

she loves going to the shop and getting me stuff in secret as she is a sweetie and a kind loving dd

so I totally get why these 2 kids want to spend md with their mum

83% of responders think you are being unreasonable, yet you are convinced that Mother’s Day is about doing specific Mother’s Day activities (not quite sure what they would be) and if your step children can’t spend the day celebrating you then you don’t want them.
why bother posting?

Yabu to complain about having them on Mother’s Day.

I think it is horrible to go on holiday with only one of her children unless it’s something for toddlers that the older ones would hate for example.

It’s cheeky to expect an equal parent to look after their own child for 5 consecutive days/nights?

So she's going away with her new husband and their son?
I think that's wrong. New husband must have said he wants to take them away as a family for mothers day, well new husband has to realise his wife's other kids are also in the family. That said, do u and your husband go away without his kids and only take your kid?

I think it's ok for them to go on holiday. Make sure its your husband looking after them though. She's given plenty of notice and I think both sides could give and take. Help each other out.

Hi op it’s a sad situation for the kids I can’t see why a mother would take new kid and leave older kids at home she chose to have all the kids it’s not there fault it didn’t work out with their dad. I think it’s probably her dh wanting just his family together but if I was your dh I would suggest that all her kids be together on Mother’s Day because 1 they get upset not being with her and 2 see the new dc getting to be with mum its pretty selfish of mum to do this. if she wants to go away with her new family she can do it on Father’s Day weekend or whenever you have them through school holidays. Poor kids already living at 2 homes the least mum can do is give all her kids a holiday together on Mother’s Day.

So, I’ve been a stepmum for a lot of years and a mum for four years (nearly). I’ve spent all those mother’s days with dsd. Dsd mum likes to have Sunday dinner with her own mum. Dsd doesn’t like any parts of Sunday dinner other than the meat. It’s her annual treat. That’s ok. Dsd mum spends the day with her mum. I spend the day with dsd, dmil, dm, daunt and other people. We have fun and do things together. I don’t know what dsd thinks of this. However, I also don’t set a lot by Mother’s Day. It’s kind of a made up holiday like valentines and Father’s Day. We tend to treat it a bit more like international women’s day and celebrate all women (dcousin is a dog mum for personal reasons).

I find it weird that a mother wouldn't want to spend Mother's day with her children, but I know that not everyone feels the same way that I do. I think the priority needs to be two children, who are very obviously not wanted by either of their parents/ parents new partners. You don't have to pretend that it isn't "Mother's Day" but you DO need to reassure them that you enjoy spending time with them.

Grow up. It is not unreasonable for her to ask their dad to have them for mother's day. She has given you the best part of a years notice. It is also not strange that she is taking her younger child. I bet you and DH take your child out to places without the other 2 all the time? This weird obsession with a made up day is childish too, if you are that bothered have your own "mothers day" the next weekend. From the way you've spoken I expect they get "mopey" because they are aware they are viewed as an inconvenience when with you.

FFS they aren't 'dumped' on you he is their father and totally reasonable for her to ask. Being a father or a Mother is a 24/7 thing regardless of the parents situation.
YABU and I am a step Mum who has never had Mothers day with out DSS, we are a family and that includes both of our children.
I really don't get people like you who don't understand whats it is to be a step-parent, DSC are not items to be dismissed just because you want to spend a commercially money spinning day with your bio child.

I don’t think it’s weird really. For starters, there’s just no way I could tell you what day it’ll be on next year so I’d hazard a guess she didn’t think about it either. Even if she did, some people don’t find it overly important.

You both sound unreasonable. The ex seems to not fight for her existing children. It is shocking to me that any mother would go away on holiday without all of her biological children. For you, I get it’s complicated being a step parent and there will be things the SC will be involved in. However, you accepted you DH had children and therefore he needs to prioritise all equally, and it would be weird for him not to include them. Mother’s Day it makes sense the kids are with their biological parent, Father’s Day the same. I think it’s fair for you to say you want Mother’s Day. For me that means, if the kids are there, they skip their clubs that day (it’s one day) and you all go out for lunch together. Kids don’t decide and you should include them.

Why are your husbands kids going to effect your mother's day. Your husband will presumably be looking after his kids so you could do whatever you want. You have almost a year to plan it!

Why would having kids who are feeling rejected by their own mother and take OP’s husband’s attention and effort away from her and thair joint child going to effect OP’s Mother’s Day? Are you being intentionally obtuse or are you totally ignorant of how celebrations work and the common ways people celebrate Mothers Day?

If it wasn’t your weekend I would have said sorry we have plans that date

And this is what is wrong with divorced couples. You don't get to opt out because it's not "your" weekend. It's your children and if you were still together you'd have them for a weekend if your partner needed or wanted to do something else (within reason).

And Mother's Day is a made-up day and doesn't matter. But if it really bothers you OP, celebrate the day in May that a lot of other countries use as Mother's Day instead.

It is shocking to me that any mother would go away on holiday without all of her biological children

Blimey, lots of mums go away without their kids on a regular basis! Or they do go away with one of them because the other one might be on a school trip or doing something with dad.

Apparently. You can tell the divorced parents (and why they got divorced).

Only on this forum is it described as 'dumping' your kids when the plan is for the father to care for the children

He has to care for them, simple as, he is their father.

What OP plans to do that day is not necessarily related to that.

Absolutely this, all this talk of prioritising the ex, no!

He is prioritising his children, as he should. If she isnt around, then he cares for them, simple

But your kid is 3 so that’s not gonna happen.

It’s on your DH to give you a break, not his ex.

YABU

They dont have to 'celebrate' it though. Your children can with the support of their father, given they are so long it probably means nothing anyway

Their father can drive them to the clubs and pick them up. Your husband can cook the lunch and pamper you on behalf of yours and his children

They dont have to celebrate at all. Presumably they would normally eat lunch anyway, so would be included in that

Why would the kids be feeling rejected? They may not have wanted to go for all we know. My kids honestly wouldn't even remember it was mother's day unless their dad or I reminded them! It's just one weekend almost a year away. Why the drama?

But you, like others and like the OP are conflating 2 separate things. Judgement of whether this mum should or shouldnt go on a holiday with only one of her children is neither here nor there, whether she values mothers day is neither here nor there.

Should a father agree to have the children, his children, when the mum says she isnt available? Yes

Should the mother agree to have the children, her children when the father says he is not available? Yes.

Its as simple as that.

Exactly. The weirdest thing about this thread is that all of the responses until yours just go on about the parents and don’t consider how hurt and rejected the OP’s two step DCs may feel that their own mother didn’t want to see them on Mother’s Day and only wants to celebrate it with her new family! And then having to watch the OP’s children celebrate Mother’s Day with their own mother.

As is so often the case with blended families, little thought for the children whatsoever and IMO OP is therefore right to say no. The step DCs mother can go away with her new family a different weekend i.e. her usual weekend before or after Mother’s Day weekend.