AIBU to think constant name-calling and shouting from DH is unacceptable?

[Thattimeagain88]

DH makes no secret of the fact he thinks I am stupid (or thick as he puts it) because I don't always answer questions exactly how he expects (or wants) or because I sometime mis interpret what he says (can't possibly be anything to do with him not explaining what he means, its all on me)

I am actually quite clever, or book smart (I am a Senior Analyst) but do admit that sometimes my common sense isn't the same as his, but I have enough common sense to have made it the grand age of 38 and have 2 children who are doing just fine.

Our washing machine has broken so today he was measuring it. He said to me just note down the numbers I give you. I will be the one ordering it and researching so I need to know what the measurements are

He then starting shouting a load of numbers at me, which made no sense to me as he didn't say whether they inches or cm, and one moment shouted at 847, so I asked what measurement that was as 847 cm is 8 metres so I just asked what they were in

He then started to scream and shout at me for 15 minutes how I am thick, all he asked me to do was make a note of the measurements, as I am too thick to then convert them he would do it and then tell me what I needed to know.

I walked out of the room and left him ranting and calling me various swear words (i heard the C word mentioned)

I then later asked him something else and the answer I got back was I am too thick to understand the answer so he wasn't going to answer (it was a question on whether he wanted something added to the food shop, so now he won't be getting it anyway)

I then needed him to fill a form in for something, and he has made a mistake on it. When I looked at the form (didn't mention it) he said it was my fault I had made him do it wrong as I got him wound up

Kindly, may I ask why you are tolerating this abuse? If a husband of mine called me stupid more than once (first time gets a warning), I’d be telling him he was now free to find a smarter wife.

Do you feel that he is justified somehow in his anger? Did you grow up with your parents abusing each other, then e experience this behaviour in another relationship? Is there a major reason (other than having kids together) that makes leaving immediately feel impossible?

I have been married for over 30 years. My husband is by no means perfect - and neither am I. However, he has never once shouted at me, nor called me "thick" or any other names.
That's your answer, OP, and YANBU.

To see how an outsider sees how urgent the situation is, not least do her children.

There is no indication she sees this

There is. The very fact that she is desperate enough to ask strangers on the internet for help shows that. I really think your comment is just putting the boot in when she is already down.

Ok but can’t say I’m interested in what you think

Is there any need to be so rude?

A neighbour of mine experiences this, I hear it from our house, recently I called the police and they attended. This is 100% abuse and completely unacceptable. So sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can find the support and strength needed to leave x

This is bad, OP. This is abuse. Please don’t think it isn’t. Loving spouses and partners don’t name call and shout like this.

@Thattimeagain88
Is there anyone you can tell about what is happening? I have a neighbour whose child told a teacher about her father’s behaviour. A year later they are separated.

I fucking hate people who can’t communicate. I’m ND and have always that the ‘why did you do it like that’, ‘why didn’t you think to …’. I am also an intelligent person.

Probably not helpful but take some solace in the fact you aren’t an ignorant bellend?

The word “constant” in your title is jumping out at me.

Any name calling is unacceptable. Any shouting, apart from “watch out!” is unacceptable.

Have you ever heard of the shit sandwich metaphor? There’s no amount of shit that is acceptable in a sandwich.

This is not ok.

to say i am not interested in your view on my posts? Well I’m not

Thank you for all the replies

In answer of some the questions

The kids didn't hear today's episode as they were thankfully at school but they have on previous instances. He will also say in front of them and directly too them don't end up like your mum/don't be stupid like your mum etc. Eldest is 11 and becoming wise to it snd has started telling him to be quiet.

I have thought about leaving and financially I could. I have a good job, earn about the same as him and would happily downsize if I had to although selling the house would be upsetting for all.

He has threatened to go on more than one occasion but always says uta me driving him out. When we argue, and if it happens in front of friends and family, even if he is in the wrong, he'll blame it on me and then say he now looks bad in front of everyone

Obviously YANBU and he is abusive. How long has he been behaving like this? Do you have any backup plans?

If you could, you must. This sounds absolute hell

Christ OP, LTB this week. Why on earth are you spending another day tolerating this nonsense from some jumped up angry little man.

As I’m sure you know, that’s not what I mean.

Horrific. This is domestic abuse.
save yourself and your poor children from this abuser and leave.
women’s aid can help with planning to leave if you need support

Please leave this guy. Horrible for your children to be witnessing their father treat their mother like dirt. This is no way to live. You will be much happier and so will the kids. He sounds vile, and a nasty bully.

I think you are unreasonable. Unreasonable to stay with a man that clearly despises you and both of you making your poor children lives is terrible home. Poor kids.

I just can’t imagine ever being in a relationship with a man again. Every post I read like this on here just reinforces it. I would never cope with living with a complete fucking arsehole like this.

I agree with you @Blimms

@Mildmag just stop, OP already knows her situation is awful.

Seriously why are you putting up with this?

Next time he offers to go, offer to help him pack. Or better still, next time he starts shouting or name calling, tell him to fuck off.

He doesn't respect you. Tell him that you're simply not going to put up with this anymore - and that you will be leaving him. Yes, it may be upsetting selling the house but you need to keep the bigger picture in your mind now. You have one life - don't put up with this. Don't let your kids think this is acceptable or normal. I had a red line that was crossed, I know how hard it is to make the final decision to leave but u have to find your anger OP. Good luck.