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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

218 replies

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:00

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

OP posts:
B1anche · 21/04/2026 08:01

If he's being secretive and lying then, of course you are not being unreasonable. Why are you so sure it's not a sex thing? It would have been my first assumption that they were having sex.

Dragracer · 21/04/2026 08:03

Literally unless he doesn't have a penis , I dont understand how you dont think its a sex thing? He's away half the week and is secretly having women over who think he should leave you...

Owly11 · 21/04/2026 08:06

Of course it is a sex thing. You dh is seeing someone secretly who tells him to leave you. How do you know that's what she says to him?

Ophir · 21/04/2026 08:06

It’s obviously a sex thing

Of course you’re hurt, your husband is away with another woman. It’s rubbish. I’ve been there

DinosaurBlue · 21/04/2026 08:07

Why isn’t she a fan of you? I guess the bigger question is why does your husband feel the need to keep her quiet - is it because he knows you’ll get annoyed that they’re still
friends, or something else is going on?

Swiftie1878 · 21/04/2026 08:07

Hmmm.. you may want to reconsider the ‘it’s not a sex thing’ bit.

20thCenturyFecks · 21/04/2026 08:08

I wouldn't be at all comfortable with it. That your DH hid the card means that he's well aware that the relationship's not on.

I'd say that the card and message being sent to the family home is shit stirring. You need to have a serious conversation with DH. You may have to make a decision about your relationship.

ProudAmberTurtle · 21/04/2026 08:09

Why did she advise him to leave you?

Have you and your husband always lived apart for half of the week?

Summerunlover · 21/04/2026 08:10

She sent the card there deliberately knowing you would see that. Why wouldn’t she send it to his flat.

TikTokker · 21/04/2026 08:12

It’s a sex thing

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 21/04/2026 08:15

If your H valued and respected you at all he wouldn't be continuing to be on, at the very least, close terms with a woman who openly advocates against you.

I agree with pp: she deliberately sent the card to your home to bring their affair out into the open and to force the issue of your marriage ending.

Bertiebiscuit · 21/04/2026 08:16

TikTokker · 21/04/2026 08:12

It’s a sex thing

With men it's ALWAYS a sex thing. How don't you know that?

MimiSunshine · 21/04/2026 08:17

If it’s not a ‘sex thing’ yet, sounds like it could well be soon.

she 100% sent that to the family home so that you’d see it. She knows where his flat is, and that he’s there half the week.
she could’ve sent it there. She didn’t because she wanted you to find out that either a) he meets up with her, b) they’re having sex or c) she wants you to think they are.

SmallBlondeMum · 21/04/2026 08:18

Shes his side chick, she showed you too.

shhblackbag · 21/04/2026 08:19

She wanted you to know. He clearly didn't. I'd reconsider "they're not having sex". She knows the other address and could have sent the card there.

Holesinmesocks · 21/04/2026 08:20

Please don't be so naive OP.
Most men sadly think with their penises, if it's being offered on a plate they will go for it, he has the banquet on offer of course he's going to have a taste.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/04/2026 08:22

Wouldn’t trust either of them. Of course it’s a sex thing. Drunken kiss at the very least. And that’s me being generous.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/04/2026 08:23

Holesinmesocks · 21/04/2026 08:20

Please don't be so naive OP.
Most men sadly think with their penises, if it's being offered on a plate they will go for it, he has the banquet on offer of course he's going to have a taste.

Gosh that’s so sad that we think that way sometimes.

Gallowayan · 21/04/2026 08:23

Sorry, they are having an affair and his affair partner wants to bring the affair out into the open and end your marriage, which is why she sent the card to your home.

socks1107 · 21/04/2026 08:24

She’s sent it to your family home on purpose. I’d be very wary and wouldn’t rule out it being sex. I’ve been there it absolutely sucks

5128gap · 21/04/2026 08:24

Your husband shouldn't be hanging round with women who are trying to persuade him against his marriage. He should have nipped that in the bud the minute she tried it if he was loyal to you. Unfortunately he's probably loving the attention and enjoying hearing her tell him he's too good to be tied down and is a free spirit like her etc. However knowing you wouldn't like that he's taken the cowards way and carried on meeting her in secret.
And that's the best possible spin on it. I'm sure there are those who'd suspect worse.

FarmGirl78 · 21/04/2026 08:26

I usually think that Mumsnetters are very harsh in general option of Men, but trust me, he's having an affair and she sent that to your home address in the hope it'll be the catalyst that ends your marriage. You have decisions to make.

Holesinmesocks · 21/04/2026 08:27

Last july OP was on here asking about hiring a PI re; a 'mysterious lunch and hotel reservation' in another town on the divorce and seperation board.
Is this the same OW? OP obviously is aware h was /is possibly knocking boots with one else.

ConnieHeart · 21/04/2026 08:27

There was no need for her to mention giving him her sick bug so she obviously wanted you to see what she'd written

CarsairsItReallyDoesHurtMeGirlNsoull · 21/04/2026 08:28

It's a cheating bastard thing.