To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

This. 💯

Would you mind sharing them please?

I have a few teens here!

I can’t believe there are posters minimising this as “it’s normal to humiliate the groom”. What kind of people do you know?

The groom had a choice, could have told his “mates” to fuck off etc.

I wouldn’t marry him. I’d have the ick.

Sounds horrendous. I feel sorry for him!

His hands were tied, he didn’t touch her. Likewise you’re not allowed to touch these kind of women.

Some women do the same, with these magic mike style things, friends that pay for male strippers, can you imagine a group of men calling for the wedding to be off or to leave them because his partners friends had paid for a stripper and she joined in 😂

if it was a one on one situation not in front of an audience 100% it would be wrong.

It’s sleezy yes, but also it’s a stag do abroad.

some on here claiming ‘my husband would never’ 😅

And @AmberLime respect for himself.

That is a massive problem nowadays - self respect is not popular.

Indeed humiliate the groom would be making him wear something stupid, hell even the old roping him to a lamppost.

Get a lady to grind on his face isn’t to humiliate him.

Just because you and your husband are fine with semi-naked sexual activities at strip clubs etc, doesn't mean everyone else is. Some people consider it disrespectful to their relationship, and find commercialised sex grim. I can guarantee there are many 'precious' husbands who would never dream of doing such a thing, and don't have the sort of friends who would orchestrate that kind of activity in the first place!

That sounds awful.
Can you imagine his reaction if the roles were reversed and he had to watch a video of a man lowering himself on to your face.
It’s beyond grim. I’m normally quite relaxed about stag/hen do’s but I really think this crosses a line, the peer pressure argument doesn’t wash with me

Exactly. I know my husband and sons have. Rightly or wrongly going to strip clubs etc is common on stag dos or on lads trips away. They probably won’t admit to it though uf they’re going to get grief.

So you are ok with men objectifying and buying women for their entertainment so long as they dont actually kiss or touch them? Strip shows and lapdancing is just good family entertainment on your view?
A lot of guys baying and cheering on while a woman is paid to sexually arouse them is ok by you?

And actually OP and the partners of the other guys on this stag do have absolutely no idea of what else went on. They were ok filming this bit but who knows what went on off camera.

The woman who sent OP this video was doing her a favour. Letting her know just what type of man she is contemplating marrying.

Exactly. The last stag do my DH went on was to an escape room. Followed by the pub. My very conservative FIL went, so there was absolutely zero p*y being gyrated in anyone’s faces. We women don’t have to accept the bare minimum from men. Raise the bar.

Honestly, I wouldn't be thrilled but I wouldn't end the relationship over it if he is otherwise a decent person. If your friend's partner sent it to her then it doesn't strike me as some scandalous moment that they were all trying to hide. It sounds like something they all thought was funny. It's not to my taste but I know plenty of women that have been to Magic Mike Live and the guys performing get women up on stage for dances. Only you know if this is the tip of the iceberg but as a standalone occurrence then I wouldn't be cancelling the wedding.

Damn you camera phones 🙄

My partner went on a stag do, the groom ended up on stage and was about to have something similar done, he freaked out said very clearly get away from me and promptly got off the stage, I don't think they thought it would be that touchy feely, not all men like strange women doing humiliating things to them

Should read I’d not let it get to you.

I don't think it's cheating. Cheating, to me, needs some kind of emotional or, at least, sexual commitment from the people involved. This wasn't sexual infidelity. It wasn't sexy.

But it is disrespectful, misogynistic, tacky, revolting, humiliating and, for me, unforgivable. I wouldn't marry someone who did this.

..made me lie down. I had no choice.

Unless it was a sexual assault, I'd imagine you had a choice. It was either consensual or it was a sexual assault. There is no third option.
You could have said no, you could have refused to lie down, you could have pushed him away. If you felt there was no option for you to do any of these, it was a sexual assault.

Similarly, if the OP's partner didn't have a choice, I'd expect him to call the police there and then.

So these are his friends? The company he keeps? The people who he socialises with? The ones who he will leave you at home with the kids? And most importantly the ones who he can’t say NO to? Have a good long hard think about what you accept

Don't think the woman has done anything wrong by sending the video. I'd want to know if somebody I was about to marry was doing things like this so that I could end the relationship straight away.

Wouldn't want to be with somebody who everybody else knew would be doing stuff like this. Gross.

The problem for me would be that every weekend away from now will have doubt locked into it.

That is not a nice way to live.

At the very least, a major line in the sand needs to be drawn by the OP, and the groom needs to believe it.

It will be a lonely marriage otherwise. As in "you knew what you what you were getting."

Ugh. Drunk or not, his behaviour is on him. If you marry him, that’s on you.

You’re not wrong to have reacted the way you did. I can imagine you’re mortified. Are you expected to have that group of men at your wedding?

Dear God, the pearl clutching on this thread!🤣. 'My husband would never blah blah'
I'm not condoning what happened here, but those who think their partners are holier than though is ridiculous. And,no.im not the 'cool wife' , I just live in the real world! I have worked in a male dominated industry for the last 30 years, I've heard it all.

You know if this is typical or him or completely out of character? Are there other reg flags?

You know how he is reacting and even how he acted watching it back. You know if he is minimising or understanding your position.

I know in my friendship group who would enjoy a stripped and who would ne disgusted - unless his friends are complete assholes, they know this too.

I don't think you really have to ask yourself about who he is and what you want long term.