To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I feel like you could've anticipated this happening... An abroad stag do in a sleazy location is going to produce the sort of fruit you'd expect when holidaying in a sleazy, alcohol fuelled resort. Surely this doesn't surprise you OP? 😔 I am really sorry however. Be honest with yourself - is this a one off? Is he is horrified by the out of character behaviour, or was he all 'lads lads lads' and lapping up the atmosphere, because deep down that's the man he is? You must know what he's really like... What is your gut feeling?

And honestly I know loads of men who would not be into this. Nice decent honest family men. This is really low level tacky stuff and I wouldn't want to go somewhere like this on my hen do either I hate stuff like this.

It says something very sad that some women can't even conceptualise that some men don't want to do that sort of thing, whether single or in a committed relationship. Lots of men just find it distasteful or sleazy, some dislike the ethics and don't like treating women like objects, and others would consider it cheating.

Even setting all other considerations aside, I know many men who would be averse to engaging in any kind of sexual-related activity like strip clubs or lap dances with their mates, simply because it'd be too homo-erotic, exhibitionist, or immature for them.

Not every man goes to a strip club, or pays women to grind on them!!

Yeah but there are also decent sensitive nice men as well you know.

This!

I think it’s interesting that your issue appears to be with other people knowing what happened, as opposed to the fact that it happened.

If I saw a video of a woman lowering herself onto DH’s face, humiliation wouldn’t be my first or primary port of call.

I also find it a bit pathetic that so many women can't conceive of men who aren't gagging to hang out with strippers when they're out with the lads. Genuinely, you need to find yourselves a better class of man.

Maybe they genuinely don't know, because they've been raised with low standards for men, and never been in a relationship with one who's decent in that particular regard. It's very sad. But no one has to just accept this kind of behaviour and feel as though they need to brush it off and squash their hurt because it's 'normal'. It's fine and not at all unreasonable to break it off with a guy because he's broken your trust by having a woman in bondage gear take off his pants and grind on his face.

This is what the “Male Loneliness Epidemic” is the result of…young women know that they don’t have to put up with the same shit that women put up with 30 years ago. They have agency and want proper partners. They won’t settle for men who buy women for entertainment. And if the men get left behind as a consequence of their actions…so be it. I applaud the younger women nowadays.

This is the sort of behaviour I’d expect from a 17 or 18 year old in Magaluf. He’s in no way mature enough to be married. Would give me major ick and I don’t think I could respect him after that.

I can honestly say that the guys that I have dated through the years have not been into this at all. The man I married was completely against all this sort of stuff and the guy I'm dating now again would shudder at the thought.

They're more country walk, real ale pub, perhaps a gig types. Genuinely. I'm not delusional, I just know them well.

That’s pretty grim! I think a foreign stag do to certain locations often ends up like this….so in your situation it comes down to whether this is normal for him and if his friends are generally a bunch of animals, or if he genuinely just got pushed into a situation which was making him uncomfortable but he just played along! I guess you can probably tell from the footage , by the look on his face!

Honestly he was on a stag do, if you have no other reason to doubt his loyalty I would let this pass, obviously the pearl clutching mumsnetters are up in arm but you know your fiance ...are you actually going to throw away a solid relationship because he of one night of stupidity and drunkenness? Only you know the answer?

Urgh the ultimate ick. YANBU to feel humiliated. His actions reflect poorly on him, and indicate to you (and others) that he doesn’t have any respect for your relationship.

I get the whole “humiliate the groom” aspect. They don’t need to use women’s body to accomplish that.

And as for the best man; if you go ahead with the wedding, I sure as hell wouldn’t have him up there.

Indeed. If it was Sandra from next door doing it to him in her back bedroom, it would count as cheating.

Totally agree with this. But it's the " oh my husband would never" comments.

I personally wouldn’t care that he done it but I would be annoyed there was a video of it being sent around.
I find everyone saying don’t marry him based on that absolutely wild but maybe I’m too laid back 😂

It has nothing to do with age. I'm 57. My cohort of 80s feminists wouldn't put up with this shit.

Trying to humiliate you?? Or disgusted at what she was seeing and thought you ought to know?

I can assure you that 30 years ago we were still feminists and there were still decent men around who didn't do stuff like this.

And all the digs about pearl clutching are ridiculous 🙄

To expect the man you're marrying to be a decent person is not cluching your pearls

Don't know how welcome a male perspective is here, but I feel this mainly reflects badly on his friends.

Pretty sure he wouldn't have chosen this weird experience, or even known about it until it was happening to him and he was (a) drunk and (b) tied up?? wtaf.

I guess some of his friendships may predate his relationship with his fiancé, and maybe there are a few he will want to let fall by the wayside as a married man.

Ah, I’ve been to some pretty raucous hen dos where I think people have been pretty mortified and embarrassed afterwards - an unexpected stripper, a butler in the buff who was groped by a woman. I’ve heard of humiliating things happen on stag dos and then the next time it’s worse.

I think often after stag dos and marriage people ‘lose touch’ as it does seem to get worse and worse to each friend who gets married. Haas he done something mean to a friends on another stag do and this is the comeback?

Ultimately his ‘friends’ got him blind drunk and humiliated him. I bet he’s feeling
like crap.

Obviously if he’s out getting blind drunk on a regular basis, things are different.

@LittleJustice a lot of country walk, real ale drinking guys I know who would never be the type to condone this sort of behaviour, did in fact go to strip clubs at uni and have some wild stag does! It does happen I’m afraid.

Dont be wound up by people on here. All this thread tells me is that there are some pretty gullible/naive women around.

It’s not ideal but it’s not exactly uncommon. My husband and his pals used to do this shit to the groom on stag nights. They grew out of it.

Awful on many levels. Whilst the stag could be deemed an atypical aberration, the friendship group can't and they sound like a bunch of thuggish tools. This is presumably the pool.from which a future child's godparents will be picked. The "frenemy" who shared the pictures with you, will be a laugh a minute at every barbecue and party.

I'm really sorry @Aquadream but I don't think I could stand it.