To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Its pronounced extrafuckin, thaenkyae

Only by locals in the know!

I mean it sells out every time. I went to a dodgy tribute version at a hotel for a hen do and it was absolutely packed must have been at least 15 hen dos among the 100s of people there. Maybe it’s not your crowd but you are majorly downplaying the popularity.

Ecclefechan is famous for its tarts actually!
IYKYK. 😁😁😁

Defo grim but is it like shorts down boxers on just making himself look like an arse or everything hanging out…IMO I could get over looking stupid (scenario 1) but doing too much (scenario 2) would be a no go for me. I wouldn’t be happy with either, without seeing the video, a piss take that’s OTT and a weird sexual situation would have different outcomes (though neither would look pretty)

Pardon?

I can understand it for sure but this is all quite tame in the grand scheme of stag dos.

Those days are mostly behind me now but I seen some outrageous things especially in Hamburg as well as in Barcelona.

And I’ll never forget my poor friend who got humiliated by Debbie Dumpling in Newcastle. Don’t Google her!!

So many apologists for men. Ah well, boys will be boys, eh? Can't expect them to have autonomy. Or balls.

Meanwhile, anyone who expects better of a man is clutching their pearls and anyone who thinks their husband hasn't done this is delusional because if Julie's husband has (and everyone knows what a top bloke HE is) then they all have (they haven't).

Yep. I know men who had board game nights, who went on a two day hike through the wilderness, who chartered a boat and went out fishing, who stayed home and played video games and got pissed, who went to a comedy show and then the pub, who went to a theme park (with no alcohol sold), and who did a Halloween scare maze (again, no drinking). A couple were religious, but the others weren't. In many cases, the bride's brother, father, or sister went with them, and there were definitely no strip clubs or sleazy behaviour involved!

Strippers aren't a requirement at stag dos. And if I was OP, I'd be very concerned that my future DH was so easily influenced by his friends, and also be worried that at every night out or stage do in the future, he'd end up doing similar things.

Having read your update OP , just take a step back....

...From the thread.

When this thread is buried on page 158 of AIBU and all the PPs in the mob who were chanting LTB have turned their attention to other things and can barely remember you, do you really want to be standing there with your relationship in tatters.

I'm just saying dont get carried away. I know a few men who had the usual stag dos of this type and they are living perfectly normal family lives/good husbands etc. this stag do does not undo all the reasons you wanted to marry him and suddenly turn him into an arsehole.

Cheaper than divorce.

The bar is through the fucking floor.

This is gross.

I couldn't marry him after this.

I think she's telling her to RUN!

This!!!

I'm so sorry, OP. I think taking a breath and putting things on pause until you're sure what you want to do is much better than just rushing into the wedding when you're feeling so angry and hurt. You may well decide that he was just an idiot who deserves another chance! But either way, going ahead like this could end up tainting your memories of the wedding, and starting your marriage on a bad note. I always think that if you wouldn't consider it acceptable behaviour at any other point in your relationship, then why on earth would it be acceptable at a stag?

This.

I find that Mumsnet can be very judgy about these things. You're going to get a lot of one sided comments from people who don't know your partner. I'd honestly trust a couple of friends who know him rather than a bunch of strangers on the internet.

That's gross and disrespectful to you. And he's so weak he can't say no? I know people have different feelings about this sort of thing but I wouldn't marry him.

I do think his account is probably true. It’s lame & I hate the whole stag thing but I do think a lot of peer setting up, humiliating & putting the stag in compromising positions with strippers et al is a kind of a script a lot of them just blindly follow. His friends also get to be in a strip /shady club by proxy when they maybe wouldn’t otherwise so are also doing it in the name of the stag. Often the ring leaders are the first ones to be getting private dances etc. They also relish setting the stag up & how annoyed “the wife or missus” is going to be etc etc. Oh the bants. I’m not condoning it I hate it all. But it is a well worn trope & while that shouldn’t make it right I do think this is what your DH was caught up in. Yes he has agency but he was just following the script & probably couldn’t argue or was too drunk to argue with his friends. What that says about him is another matter. He may be weak willed. I don’t think he cheated. He seems to have been a passive recipient. But it’s an unpleasant way to start married life in however many weeks/ months whatever.
You will know if this is completely out of character for your DP and his friends or not? Did it cross your mind strippers might be involved?
It wasn’t a strip club though & the video evidence is designed to get back to you - to shock (by the bucks) & cause ripples.
It’s a really odd ritual & one (like this) I hate so I sympathise OP.

This. The whole thing sounds immature and loutish.

Or they could act like my husband and refuse to have any of this sort of carry on and not follow the script. My DH declined to have a stag do as he doesn't support the script and had enough respect for me and our relationship.

It’s hard and the replies here are so polarised - what actually matters is not what randoms here will put up with but where the line is for you and, as you are getting married, whether your fiancé has crossed it.

For me, as my DH knows [and has always known] precisely how I feel about the exploitation of women, engaging in lewd acts with a stripper is a hard line and one he would never cross. Others here feel it’s pearl clutching as they would laugh, shrug and move on. That’s great for them, but I personally could not erase the video I’ve seen and put it behind us. And the fact everyone else will have seen it on video is also a significant factor. For you and for the vibe at the wedding.

You need to take a step back and work out how you feel about this - whether you feel he bloody well knew this was something you would be upset about and failed to let his stags know in advance was off the table (my hens asked me what I was comfortable with and we agreed perimeters in advance - so no reason why he couldn’t have done the same).

I hope you get a good nights sleep, have a couple of good friends who share your values to weight this up with tomorrow, and can come to some sort of measured decision.

I imagine you're highly unlikely to call the wedding off at this stage. However I'd strongly suggest you don't minimise it so you feel OK about going ahead.
Don't tell yourself lies that he didn't know what he was doing, it was his mates etc. Face the truth, this is what he did, either because he can't take his drink and it changes him, or because this is who he is when you're not around.
Marry him with your eyes wide open and knowing he's a risk.

Fucking hell.

Its bad enough thst he did it but he doesnt even have the good sense to grovel and pretend to be sorry.

Instead He whines that everyone else was doing it amd makes out like he is a victim. That is outrageous.

I'm sorry you're going through this but be glad you know who he is now and save yourself years of heartache and a shitty life by ending your relationship and thank your lucky stars that legally he is your boyfriend and not your husband.

This.

I really feel for you. I’d be mortified, too - this video is going to live on forever. Your fiancé’s face being sat on by some other woman‘s private bits. I would feel humiliated and disgusted.

Can you delay the wedding in any way? I know you haven’t got a lot of time but I‘m not sure I‘d marry a man who did this. Apologies for not reading the FT and I don’t know your age or situation- I’d just know that if I were you I‘d want some breathing space. Are you close to your Mum or do you have sisters you can talk to? 💐

Jesus. Have you ever heard of ‘what goes on tour stays on tour’. Well your so called friend needs to know this and should not have shown you the video!! I’m chuckling away to myself about all these women whose husbands have got up to all sorts on stag do’s and they’ve got no bloody idea!! It was a stag do for gods sake!! He’d have been eaten alive if he’d have refused to take part. He was obviously hammered. Just be grateful it’s now over and you can get on with looking forward to the big day! (And presumably your hen do!! 😉)