AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

Yeah sorry OP, there’s a very good chance he’s had his head turned.

This. I wonder if it's ever occured to him that OP might be struggling too. Now he's dumped everything on her, with the expectation she'll just keep on keeping on while he buggers off.

@ByPeppyKoala I would not be thinking OW here, either.

I’d be thinking that is is more likely to be: the shock of the DC’s diagnoses; some deep-seated fear over that that means in terms of their futures (and how much support in person or financially); the burden that puts on him (had he hoped to retire at 50, but now thinks that won’t be possible), the fact that his dreams of a ‘normal’ family life and marriage, retirement etc are disintegrating; the fact that the relaxing holiday he had hoped for to recalibrate in a difficult working environment just evidences this. Are you entirely focused on talking about the children when you are together now? Do you have couple time when you connect and talk about the things you love as a couple? You don’t say what industry or sector he is in but if it’s like my husband the events of the last few months have been very stressful on a professional level with devastating impacts on his company (redundancies, restructuring etc) - is your DH similarly impacted and unable to off load with you or at home? Could he have been utterly desperate for a ‘break,’ which time of with family never is?

My DH (and indeed I, too) went through a grieving process - the dreams of normal, of my returning to work even PT when they were settled in school, of the kids leaving home at 18 and us going off on our travels, reactivating a couple-centred marriage, planning for an exciting (and hopefully early) retirement etc all went up in smoke.

What I am saying is that you need to speak without the children - have an in-depth conversation and explain that you understand (and are also experiencing) the enormous fall-out but that you love him (I hope) and that you believe you will all be stronger together - however, that you are a family in crisis and you, as parents, need to stop muddling through and get some support for yourselves. The airplane/oxygen mask analogy is always salient: your kids cannot be saved unless you both have put your masks on first. You are no good to your kids or each other if you don't also prioritise yourselves.

I suspect, like my DH did initially, your DH has kept working, carried on, but buried his grief and anxiety so deep it is now eating him from the inside out. Ignore the OW stuff being posted here focus on what you know. The ND/family issues are enough to tackle just now.

When I had depression and wanted to kill myself, I didn’t abandon my child.
I went to the gp and got help knowing that if I killed myself my child would be left without a mother.

He is not so deep in his MH that he is in psychosis or something where he’s unable to reflect on his actions - he can still go on holiday, go to work, ring his kids and be functioning in every other aspect so the MH thing is not enough to justify him acting like a selfish twat.

If OP decided to leave her kids today then she’d be arrested but he’s able to do it knowing that OP will just pick up the pieces.

Is it making excuses when someone has a mental health break down now?

Is it making excuses when someone jumps off a cliff?

Is it making excuses when someone just cannot cope with the sheer overwhelming pressure sometimes?

Sorry yeah, probably just a whiney little bitch isn't he, what a pussy.

No wonder the leading cause of death for men under fifty is suicide.

I'm not convinced it's an affair life do many here are, but he does think he can have enough of parenting and abdicate all responsibility to you. I think you need to tell him quick smart that you expect 50 50 custody so he will need to make arrangements to accommodate that. Children are for life you don't get to walk away no matter how hard it is. My DH has ADHD and some autistic traits, DS is on the diagnostic pathway but it looks like he will have a diagnosis of either ADHD or AuDHD so I do get how hard it can be (and I only have one child). You've also lost a child which is devastating, but all of these things affect you too. He doesn't get to just give up that's not his life works.

I wonder if you could do with some counselling too?

Ye seem to have plenty of money. spend it on yourselves and your future.

Often times people say they are totally shocked when relationships end but the other person has been trying to communicate and things have been bad for a long time. Same with your children’s diagnosis, that seems to be a shock to you too but there must have been years of ‘chaos’ before that.

You both sound like you had a huge amount of awful stress on your plates, I’m so sorry about the loss of your daughter.

something had to change and maybe use this for making a plan to stop surviving and to start living.

And? so what, you didn't, plenty of other people have, women included, some of them took their kids with them.

The point is we have no idea at all- a massive change in behaviour, an emotionless detached walkout, this sounds like a genuine breakdown to me and everyone deals with it differently.

Oh @ByPeppyKoala I’m so sorry to
hear you lost your DD. I am not surprised with all that is going on you both need a break! I hope you can have a conversation tomorrow. It takes two people to argue … he shouldn’t have just left but it sounds like you are both a bit overwhelmed/he or you could be depressed. I hope you are ok.

How would she be arrested? Plenty of families break up, plenty of men get custody of children and nobody is arrested.

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP. It might be an idea to ask to transfer this to Relationships.

I have no idea why your dh has done this and neither does anyone else. We are all projecting based on our own experiences/how our own husbands would behave. All you can do is face the reality: He snapped badly. He told you he couldn't cope anymore. He left you to deal with what he cannot deal with.

I'm sure you love him and want to support him but you need to remember that at the moment you are not on the same team. Your team is focused on minding your children and keeping their life going and at the moment his team is focused on his own needs. I say this so you go into any chats or decisions realising that you can be as loving as you want, you can try to get your marriage back on track but you must bear in mind that your needs and your wants and those of your children are every bit as important as his and the only person who will prioritise them is you.

I would normally say there would be a woman in the wings, but in this case it may not be so - three boys those ages are a lot, add ADHD in the mix, it is very hard. And you lost a child? Anyone could crack with this pressure. One of you is likely to have adhd as well.
Holidays with a dc with adhd, the first day or so can be very unsettling and behaviour worse than usual. I find it easier now I expect that.

We share locations and what not. Have been doing that for years. He’s not secretive with his phone sometimes I leave mine at home and I just use his, not secretive with his laptop or anything

I could be wrong though but I’ve just never suspected him of being unfaithful in the 22 years we’ve been together.

We are very preoccupied I’d be impressed if he found the time. Weekends are spent together with the boys, weekdays he works and does school pick ups etc we both work from home on certain days.

Im inclined to think he’s having a mental health crisis. He’s been a very involved dad I think that’s also why he lost his temper in France. We are both still learning about ND and are learning to support our children properly now that 2 of them have had a recent diagnosis. It’s not easy at all but if he is having an affair then we can work out an end to the marriage that puts our children first. He loves being a father, he puts a lot of pressure on himself and this is how it’s manifested.

What support is in place for you and your DH OP? Practical and emotional? It sounds like he’s overwhelmed and burnt out parenting. Is he usually a good communicator?

He needs to step up as a parent.

He needs to decide if he does that as a family unit or as a separate unit.

Signs of an affair - the obvious ones are going out more, losing weight/getting fit/taking more care of appearance, being secretive around phone, spending more time on phone etc - but IME the biggest indicator is a sudden lack of engagement in family life.
He may not actively be having an affair - he may have just had his head turned by someone he works with - the grass feels greener on the other side of the fence.
MNetters do always jump to the OW explanation because it's such a common story! - just seems to happen again and again on here.
Men leaving their wives and dc for the OW can show the exact same symptoms as a breakdown - they often feel incredibly guilty. It's not called a midlife crisis for nothing.

I agree. I'm so sad to hear about your loss. FWIW I don't think he's having an affair. I think he's run away because he can't cope, which is absolutely shyte for you, because YOU can't run away

I'd get this thread moved to relationships
I'd ask DH, when he comes over to chat, if he'll consider couples counselling
And I'd contact ADHD embrace and ADHD UK both of which will help

Wow there's some harsh comments on here. Reading the OPs post and the really sad update about their daughter I see a family that's been through an awful crisis. Why can't the husband have a nervous breakdown? Everyone would have utmost sympathy if it was the the wife? I'm not saying walking out of a family is excusable but we need to see men as also having deep emotions and not just jump to oh he's having an affair. Have you have bereavement counselling? Support groups? Parenting one child with special needs is exhausting but having two is such a mental and physical load. It's not as simple as telling the boys to sit still and be quiet. At the beginning of our ADHD journey with our girls I was very much children should be able to follow instructions and do as they are told, soon learned that my girls brains were wired differently and we had to change our whole parenting style. There's a lot going on in your family. Give him a chance to explain how he feels and together as husband and wife try and give each other help through this difficult time of your lives xxx

You mention your daughter passing - I am so sorry 💐- do you think there are any resolved issues around his grief? Has he or both of you received therapy?

He's not had a mental breakdown

And all the people you mention do need help.

As others have said he's functioning well enough to go on a holiday. And then pack his belongings and leave.

If he's at the level of self harm you're talking about, then he'd probably be sectioned and in a mental institution. Obviously no one would be blaming him then. You cant blame people if they are having a psychotic breakdown or depressive episode where they cant even move off the sofa.

He isn't at that level. And it is just too easy these days for men to walk away from their responsibilities.

OP, many on MN seem to immediately assume an affair. You know your husband best. The evidence from how you have described things suggests it is more likely to be a mental health issue. I'm very sorry that you have lost your daughter. It sounds like you both have alot to deal with right now. Depression in men will often present as anger. Your husband is in a higher risk age group. I hope you both get the right support and can work through the difficulties. Look after yourself.

"Why can't the husband have a nervous breakdown?"

Because Mumsnet would lose it's reputation .....

I hope he's not having an affair as well. I knew of a man who was only ever at work or at home. Yep, cheating.

What a weak spineless weasel of a man

he only thinks about himself, he is not coping do just walk s away. No thought as to how YOU will cope

hope you get a good divorce settlement and make sure you fight for every penny, you deserve it

what an absolute wet wipe . So sorry this happened to you, you deserve more

Shed be arrested cos she'd be leaving the kids alone. The dad has already left them. If she leaves then they're alone????

News story of a woman arrested after her baby died when she went on a night out. Nothing happened to the absent dad.