AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

Then surely he's capable of parenting them differently to change behaviours he finds difficult or unacceptable? How nice for him that he knows he has a fallback if he just feels like walking.

I'm sorry @ByPeppyKoala. I'm sure you're reeling in shock, but I think you need to find your anger. He's treating you and your children shockingly.

So you think he’s acted this way because he’s having an affair ?

What else indicates it ? Does it indicate a long term affair or new as we went skiing in February & December we went to the Bahamas with his parents and siblings/their children too. We share location and I’ve just never suspected him of having an affair. Our weekends are usually spent with the boys, he goes into the office twice a week on the days where he’s working from the office he starts early and finishes early so I can do the school pick ups while I do the drop offs we alternate. I work 4 days a week it’s full time hours just in 4 days as it was easier to manage when the boys were little and I just kept at it.

He is calling the boys later on today and wants us to come round tomorrow to talk and see the boys too. He seems to be struggling I don’t want to dismiss that because he might really be struggling.

We are both still adjusting to our two boys being diagnosed, ND it’s all new to us and we are trying to understand them better and learn and support them.

I had similar. I believed he had a breakdown. I sympathised and defended him. He blamed the “chaos” of a big family, and stress from work. And a few weeks later, I learned it was just another age old story of an affair, and trying not to admit that he’d just been cheating. His excuse - if I told you, I thought it would affect our divorce and ongoing coparenting 🙈. I felt such a fool. And wasted valuable time while he got himself a solicitor and pushed to get me and his children out of their family home. I can’t guarantee what’s going on in his head, but I DO know that you absolutely need to get your ducks in a row. Find the best solicitor you can, and get your name on their books. Good luck OP. It sucks that anyone can do this to someone they claim to love.

This is the lowest of the low and never forgive him for this.

He’s saying the home life is too much for him and so he dumps it all on you instead?!

What a vile man he is and what an awful role model for his boys.

If I was being kind I would wonder if he’s having some sort of MH crisis to be so utterly selfish but his behaviour is pointing towards there being an OW.

He doesn’t have to be having a full blown love affair for there to be an OW.
It could simply be someone he’s talking to and he’s built up resentment/had to find an excuse to be single.

I thought exactly this.

I was diagnosed with AuDHD in my early 40s. When I was at my post-diagnosis support group, there was a dad there who said he loved his children but found the noise and chaos incredibly difficult to deal with, and so when he got chance he would go off fishing so he could get time to himself and recharge. I don't have DC but find I have to do the same from time to time, just have a day where I don't have to deal with people and their general presence or I find it really hard to feel right. Until diagnosis I thought that was just because I got to spend a lot of time on my own as a kid and just a habit I never grew out of.

It's possible this might be the case. It's also possible your DH might just be a selfish prick, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Could he be depressed?
My DH was a complete twat for a number of years, shut off emotionally, quick to anger, had to walk on eggshells around him. Our own DD described our marriage as ‘toxic’. I was very close to leaving. Then he had a sudden health emergency and honestly it was the best thing that ever happened to him. It took another 2 years but he was much more open about his feelings and is now taking antidepressants. It was as if the health scare removed the defensive layer. I wouldn’t have said ‘depressed’ when he was acting the way he was, I can see it looking back though.
Would he see the GP? Mine was incredibly reluctant but the GP was brilliant, genuinely.

He may just be infatuated with a colleague or similar rather than actively having an affair. But a crush on someone else or an affair both make people look at their families and spouses and find fault with them. I say this as someone who once had a very intense crush (that I didn’t act in) whilst married. Also, men don’t typically leave without another option of some sort.

Sometimes they do, though, and this might be one of those times.

I sure you are both adjusting as you say but he's not doing that with you is he? Of course I dont know for sure there is another woman and for your sake I hope there isn't but it's a famiae story I'm afraid. I also get you are in shock but you need to get angry. He's behaving appallingly and I dont believe for one minute it's a mental health "crisis". He's still going to work for example.

I agree.

Those boys have two parents... but several posts saying why did you let them behave like that are missing the point that instead of helping you to manage the situation.. he went over the top, shouting in the restaurant, probably frightening the boys and the other guests, and really leaving you with four children to manage instead of three.

At those particular ages.. each of which is a very transitional stage, after sitting still for hours on a long journey at the start of a holiday and probably "hangry" waiting for unfamiliar food in unfamiliar surroundings... I can imagine they would have been a bit ansty. I remember those days well. But I didn't have to cope with a DH having a screaming fit.
Your boys were probably picking up on the rising pre-explosion tension, and I very much doubt that he was doing anything in the run up to help. So what happened in the restaurant was NOT your fault. And it's easy to give advice after the event on what you should or shouldn't have done.

I think you are doing the right thing at the moment, riding it out. Keeping things going with the boys, until you know more. You must be so worried not knowing what it means and what his intentions are. No advice for this other than to say keep calm and carry on, you will find out more as the days go by and can make your decisions.
Edited to add. But the age old advice of getting ducks in a row, looking at your options as a back up, whilst do you wait to get to the bottom of this I think is good advice .
Is'nt he lucky that he can storm out for his mental health, whilst leaving you to cope with everything? I have little sympathy for that tbh, but a lot of sympathy for you being left in this position.. and carping about how you parent isn't helpful.

One thought did occur to me, re educational difficulties that are being investigated and please bear in mind that I could be completely wrong here and if so I apologise in advance... perhaps his ideal of how your DC will succeed in life has been dented and he's doom thinking about how their condition may affect them? I have heard of parents discovering dyslexia or similar that have felt that way at first. But Ithink you should take heart from the fact that you and the school are looking into ways to help them, and whilst it may make things a bit trickier for them, there's a lot more knowledge now on adjustments and how to help them. So Your interventions now will ensure that they can succeed in what they want to do later on. Of course it is disappointing that he can't face that challenge and is leaving it up to you to sort out, but this is something that he may come to terms with the more you both learn about it. Again, It was just a thought.

If it makes any difference OP, I don’t think anything you’ve written immediately screams affair to me. It does scream a man that’s been dealt a less than harmonious hand over the last few years and is struggling with it. Of course, so have you, and whilst it is cowardly to just ‘run away’ from such troubles leaving you to deal with things, not one of of us, including myself who has had two breakdowns, can come close to predicting how someone else must behave when they’re struggling with their mental health.

It your husband isn’t having an affair, is just at the end of his tether and has pulled the ‘I’m done’ card (which I too have done in the past ( and I have an ‘on paper’ perfect life with none of your difficulties) then he isn’t the ‘lowest of the low’ or ‘vile’ or ‘scum’. He’s a struggling man.

The fact is, you just don’t know yet and until you do, I think PPs should perhaps be a bit more sensitive and stop taking joy from kicking you while you’re down.

Good luck with your chat tomorrow.

This

It could easily be both.

Him possibly ND (likely is) doesn’t exempt him from being selfish.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

it doesn’t sound like OW to me, especially with you sharing location etc.
He just sounds overwhelmed and broken. That’s no excuse for leaving you to deal with everything but if he isn’t already seeking some sort of therapy this would be something to suggest to him

Is there a bingo card you’re trying to complete?

He sounds like a total wet lettuce. Can’t do this anymore, boohoo! What a man!

I brought up two boys by myself but then I’m not a spineless whiner.

OP - sounds like late onset autistic burnout to me.

from experience.

looking forward to being painted as an apologist.

man needs help, that can be true at the same time as walking out being shitty.

there is always reasons. Not always the obvious ones.

It's nice that his answer to finding life woth his kods is walking away.

Regardless of what he says.

He needs to step up.

I've seen so many posts blaming you for the kids behaviour.

"Well it's your own fault. You're husband said he wasn't happy woth their behaviour "

Well he can parent them then cant he.

When is your day off???

He needs to take them if he cant do the week days- next weekend is his- so you can have some time off.

It's all so easy isn't it. Doesn't want to deal with his kids- easy option to just walk and leave you to it. While in a few weeks he'll start all over again with his new bit on the side.

He doesn't get to abandon his kods- nice that he been doing some call. But he needs to take them for a few hours today.

During the the week and if he cant keep them in the week, next weekend is his.

Nice that his answer to needing help is walking out.

Im sure Op also needs a break/ help( moreso that he decided to walk out)- but it seems that not an option for her. 🤔

Oh that's fine then. He just gets to walk away from the family he's half responsible for creating? What if OP fancies walking away too? Where does that leave the kids?

You will always get people on here saying ow when someone leaves, even if there's very good reasons for leaving.

It sounds like he's struggling alot with parenting, shocked and upset by his reaction at the restaurant where he lost it and worried due to the boys recent diagnosis that things may not get better and this could be his life and how he reacts.

You sound like you're still in shock, understandably. Have you attempted to speak to him about it all. Tell him you miss him and what to be a family and if he is struggling with parenting together how does he expect you to manage alone. One day the boys will grow up and move out and the two of you will have your lives back. Look into parenting courses for parents with children of adhd?

Part of having children with adhd, is also modifying the things you do when you know they are tired or out of sorts. Don't even attempt restaurants, get a takeaway and yourselves a bottle of wine etc.

Regardless of the adhd, sometimes children do just have off days, I can imagine with three hormonal boys it could be stressful and noisy at times.

Sometimes we have to take the lesser of two evils.

for example if someone feels they might top themselves if they don’t remove themselves from a. Situation - it’s the right choice.

not being able to clearly communicate that is also often a symptom of intense burnout as I’m sure we all know

Doesn’t make things okay, but we need to understand the whole picture

What a weak little man. So he cant cope being a part of a family but isnt concerned at all about you coping entirely alone.

I think we need to stop making excuses for people.

It's too easy to walk away from your obligations and responsibilities, especially when there is someone else available to dump them all on.

If he was a single parent would he be able to walk away from his kids?

Can Op walk away from her kids? No she cant.

Despite how much she's struggling/ depressed/ anxious. She will have to make the best of it while probably going to her GP accessing therapy/ counselling etc etc etc.

I had a teen with ADHD, OP, and "normal" parenting goes out of the window. Our DD would argue black was white to get a reaction and it was exhausting. I can't imagine having 2 children with that diagnosis.

I would have an honest chat to him, but I'd equally be making him aware that these children are 50% his and he will need to step up to the plate parenting even if you are no longer in a relationship together. He can walk away from you but he can't walk away from them.

He could be depressed and stressed and need help and support to get through it. However, he is the other parent to your sons and he doesn't get to walk away anymore than you do.