AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

You know what - men aren't the same, there are not 4.5 billion clones out there. We all act in very different ways.

No wonder we don't bother talking frankly. Nobody listens.

Yes, this.
Let him FO, divorce and take him for what you can, the twat.
Sorry.

I am so sorry he just sounds like a man-child. Of course three boys are going to be hard work and boisterous sometimes. A nice quiet meal is not guaranteed with three young children and most parents know this. Your husband also just left you to take care of your children and stormed off! He’s pathetic. I think you deserve better.

This. I’d tell him you’re done too and which half of every week does he want the kids 24/7 going forward.

Leaving 3 kids all 13 and under is neglect.

The DH has done it because he knows OP would step but if OP left today then she’d get arrested because DH wouldn’t step up and therefore she’s leaving them to fend for themselves (even though they have another parent).

Sorry you're hurting so much and missing your H, @ByPeppyKoala . I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. Hopefully you will be able to talk to each other and find out more about what's going on for him and how to navigate things. You both have so much going on. It's very unkind of him to leave you to cope alone with the children and also wondering about your relationship. You're very much saying it's out of character for him, so hopefully he just needs some breathing space.

Gosh must be amazing to be a mind reader!! You do know plenty of people seem to carry on as normal before they commit suicide? Nobody knew the depths of my depression. I still managed to do everything I usually did and even went on holiday! Still tried to kill myself though. Is it because it's a man? We really need to have more understanding of men's depression. They are not robots. Get some education on the matter in case someone you love needs your help.

He's not talking though is he?
He's shouted at everyone and then left leaving the OP to keep everything together. What in that behaviour is there for the OP to "listen to"?

Maybe if he sat her down and talked frankly and honestly about his feelings then they could work out a strategy together, either separation or changes in their marriage.

Running away as he has done is not the answer and is not a form of communication

Did you really just say “And? So what” about my MH struggles and me wanting to kill myself - and then you want to claim you care about people’s MH??

I’m guessing OPs or the children’s MH are simply insignificant then?

Then you don’t understand burnout

Agree with this. Whatever he has going on I don't think it is acceptable for a parent to walk out on the other parent like this without discussion. Mental health or not. Has he thought about your mental health?

I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry about your daughter...💐

Until I do become a mind reader.
I can only go off what I've read because we don't have his side of it.

And from what I've read, he's walking away from his responsibilities because Op is there.

Op needs to work out the care arrangements of the kids until the relationship status is sorted.

It’s hardly ever women that have the luxury of just saying they have had enough and go, luckily for your boys they have you, I’m
sending you a big hug because I can easily see how it could happen and how I would feel if it were me.
All you can do for now is be there for your children and see what happens next, I’m not convinced there is another woman either.
We have 3 boys, similar ages and together they are on occasion just ‘too much’ they know how to behave but sometimes they let themselves down, tiredness, hunger and some neurodiversity thrown in and they have on occasion had me in tears… not because they are awful or we’ve done anything wrong bringing them up, they can be handful….
If I had another stresses going on, work, money problems etc and had all three playing up it would probably be the enough to make me want to go. Luckily I don’t however I am sometimes tempted to take a mini break however as their Mum I can’t, because even though they love their Dad I am their go to person when things are tricky.
I have to grit my teeth and get on with it and you are probably the same. Your DH has let you down, is letting your children down by walking, in a partnership you want to know your partner is as solid as you are.
Hopefully some time away will enable you both to sit down and discuss what is going on and where you go from here, your DH needs you to tell him he can’t just walk out when things get hard, where would your kids be if you decided to do the same….

There’s also a lesser reported epidemic of carers having suicide ideations, planning and committing suicide, carers often being women.

He was able to sit OP down and say he was leaving and wanted “peace”, but he can’t say, he is leaving and feels suicidal? He can just leave OP in this state of limbo, call daily but not mention he struggling is to the point of suicide? Limbo is a stressful place to be and to put someone.

No one is saying he isn’t allowed to feel how he feels. Many are saying that he can feel that way and also be selfish for just blindsiding OP, leaving because he wants peace and expecting her to pick up his slack if he even considered the impact it had on her to begin with when he decided on his own to leave.

I've suffered from depression and still have problems. I don't detail my problems on mumsnet.

But i don't have a choice. I have to be there for my kids. I don't get to give up, no matter how I feel or what has gone wrong in my life. Or the next knock weve had ( of which there are loads and almost weekly) Im their constant and have to keep going for their sakes.

I don't get a choice. I am their rock. Unless I have a psychotic breakdown where I don't have control of myself this situation will not change.

It's probably why I get so annoyed at people I see walk away so easily.

I don't get a choice in this regardless of how others act in my kids life.

I know I was shocked too.

Following, and coming back to read replies soon.
My kids can be a handful, especially during holidays. Last break I had a "crash out" as my elder would call it. Wanted to go home early, divorce, the lot...

OP you might get some gentler, more proactive replies if you post in Relationships.

But my 2 pence is does DH have undiagnosed additional need - it’s a possibility if the boys have it and he does sound overstimulated from your post.

Me too. My first thought was Cherchez la Femme.

@SingleSexSpacesInSchools

"Selfish self centered fuck brains", as per PP.
I think that explains everything, whether there is 4.5 billion clones or not.
Is there really that many of you?
Blimey 😂

Oh dear,I feel for your circumstances OP. My initial thoughts are you are both trying to live your family life as if there are no exceptional circumstances to consider before making plans.

Your DH sounds like he is in burn out & thinks he can't cope. He obviously loves his children & I've no doubt he loves you too. I hope it works out for you all with possibly the help of counselling. I don't blame him for having a crisis moment in his life. You both deserve the support you are so obviously not recieving 😓

Just so you know, 3 years ago my son decided to end his life ( by sheer luck he didn't succeed) . He had tried to ask the GP for help and was dismissed by the doctor as not being in immediate need. He went home and calmly decided on a particular day to end his life, he made preparations, all without my knowledge. He didn't act in an unusual way, he carried on as normal, then did it. Afterwards, when I found him, he said he thought that medical professionals didn't care, didn't understand, wouldn't listen and he would never get the help he needed and we would be better off without him.
I'm telling you this, because no one knows what is going through another's head. We don't know their thought process, we don't know from their actions anything about their mental health.
So, please don't just assume that a person acting in a calm way isn't in mental turmoil.

I apologise for being blunt in the above post, but I'm fed up with men not being allowed to be mentally ill.

Busy and loud sounds horrific to me. When that’s supposed to be your home.