AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

God love you. That must be really tough. If he can’t cope with family life as part of a couple, how’s he going to cope as a single parent? Have you asked him that? Does his parents know?

Exactly. Regardless of how overwhelmed he is, OP is in exactly the same boat, so now he's doubled her load and doesn't seem too bothered.

Hes not on the phone to her saying Im sorry I cant cope, its too much overwhelm, I need a moment, Im so sorry, is he? Hes hust leavung her to it, to do it all, while also hurt and confused.

I just wanted to send some support. Having children with ADHD totally flips the switch on how you parent and if this is all new to you, it must be very overwhelming for both of you. Its also likely one or both of you have it aswell which adds to the pressure. My advice would be to educate yourselves as much as you can on the condition and remember that there is no "right or wrong" way, its finding what works for your family and none of us are perfect, we have all got it wrong at some point 🫶🏼

OP, no real advice but just to give you a handhold.

Parenting ND children can be a slog and unfortunately, many couples don’t make it out the other side.

I was so sorry to hear about your DD too.

Your DH may well be overwhelmed and struggling with his MH but he’s still not been fair to you at all. And he’s not been fair to your DC - one of the most important things for ND children is consistency and “safety”.

The fact he’s contacted your DC every day is good - but it suggests that perhaps it’s not a complete MH crisis and he’s just fed up. That makes it more unreasonable to leave you in the lurch with no discussion.

All you can do is encourage him to see the GP and see what happens. Remember though, even if he has a change of heart you aren’t obliged to just sweep all this under the carpet. Your feelings matter too - and he doesn’t seem to have considered you in any of this.

If you split permanently, can you manage financially? Is he still paying his share now?

Even if he is overwhelmed and and struggling, all he's done is shift the entire burden on to the OP. All of it, every bit of it. He doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility whatsoever.

Agree, as if they’re the only ones struggling and just leaving it all to the other parent is ridiculous and selfish.

He’s burned out, too much for him yet his wife is right there with him. What about OP? Being left with three children with no warning by the person who is supposed to be your partner.

I know I’m burned out and have definitely thought of just leaving just so I can not be needed 24/7 and get a full night’s sleep but I don’t because why would I leave our 3 for DH to handle on his own. Although saying that, he wouldn’t be on his own, his parents would come down but I wouldn’t want to disrupt their lives either.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I am very sorry for your loss.

Is it possible that he is still processing losing your daughter? Grief is so disorientating, and it can really change people.

This. 100% this.

What are the signs of OW ?

I didn’t think he was having an affair I don’t think he had time for that but I could be wrong.

We have a lot on our plate at the minute. 2 of our sons have been diagnosed with ADHD, we are trying to learn more about it to help them and to be better parents. Our daughter passed away.

I would be impressed that he has time for an affair.

@ByPeppyKoala my husband of 13years acted odd last year and I thought he was ill or possibly depressed. Tried to bring it up with him and he said he was fine. His behaviour changed he was quieter not as engaged. Then one day he rang me from work said he wasn't coming back. Then a week later he moved in with a work colleague. It's been 10months now, still stacked up with her and me and the kids have not seen him for a year. He hasn't rung for 5 months. He messaged last week asking how we were and I have ignored him. I feel like a mug to be honest I was completely blindsided. Currently in the process of a divorce.

I'm not saying there is the ow but don't until you know things for sure don't rule it out, some men are better liars than others

I would assume he has had a mental health breakdown. Family life is chaotic and every now and then I need to step away for a few hours (never days though) but maybe it’s pushed him over the edge

@ByPeppyKoala I’m probably wrong but it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of guilt & blame for understandably maybe having struggled with your DC’s behaviour, their diagnoses & all of those challenges. It sounds like you’re saying that in walking out your DH is saying he’s had enough & that you should be coping better. Which is really harsh. If you have struggled that’s not your fault. If that has added an extra burden on him that’s not your fault either. They’re both your DC. The implication is that it’s kind of your fault they have behaviour challenges, your fault you’re not dealing with it correctly, your fault you’ve struggled & your fault that he’s walked out.
No one knows your set up at home but if you have largely been the one to parent if he’s the main income provider then you by default become the one solely (unreasonably so) responsible for the way you parent & the way they behave.
Or you may work as well but have understandably struggled with difficult to manage & cope with challenges raising boisterous DC with ND alongside work & family demands.

It sounds like in a way you’re also agreeing with your DH as though having found it difficult, that’s made you a bit less than & not quite the good wife & mother your DH signed for. Which is really unfair & completely not the case at all. You’re not responsible for it all. And struggling & finding it difficult doesn’t mean you’re any of those things.

That you feel sad more than angry that he walked out implies you feel that blame & sense of failure & that he’s had to put up with stuff that wasn’t part of the bargain.

If your MH for eg - not saying it has - has suffered or you’ve just needed some support, your DH should have or be sensitive to that & wanting to find ways to help you - if he has seen you actively struggling.
Or volunteered ways to help support you - make ways to give you some time out or some respite. And even if he has - that’s still not your fault.

He’s an active participant in the family dynamic & losing his temper & walking out & now separating himself from you is not fair. Because he is criticising how you’re coping & saying I’ve had enough. Of you all. As though you’re all the problem. But he’s a player in your family dynamic. He’s not Mr Perfect & the rest of you are not.

I don’t know just sounds like he’s allowing you to take responsibility for stuff that actually is not solely yours & you’re taking the blame for things that should be equally & actively shared. Does he do anywhere near the same amount of input as you?

Apologies if I’m way off the mark!

I thought this too. It sounds like burnout or an affair. It would be very unusual for him to leave without another woman lined up.

Because you had no clue he was supposedly struggling. Then he goes on holiday and blows up. They will be another woman giving him a hard time about being on holiday with you and he's cracked.

I could be a depression. It could also be overwhelm or a midlife crisis- he is of the age.
Id tell him he is welcome to come home but clearly together or him alone needs to go and see someone. He can’t just abandon his family- not right or fair to you or his boys.

PS I’m sorry OP I had not seen your update & the loss & grief your family has gone through. It must be very difficult knowing that he is separating himself from your family unit must be very upsetting. He’s not the only one that gets to crack under the pressure though. And if he does that’s not your fault 💐

Slightly odd that he doesn't see his children's behaviour as his responsibility. As if they are just something that have happened to him that he has no control over.

He sounds like a misery, you’re probably better off without him anyway 💐

If your children have additional needs then maybe your husband does too?

Im so sorry about your daughter, even reading about your life in this thread makes me want to walk away. What pain you are suffering. Can you arrange some counselling for you both. I would prioritise this above holidays.

Two kids diagnosed its likely yourself or dh has adhd too. So either he has adhd and is melting down or you have adhd and he has been compensating for you

Has the parent of two AuDHD children and growing obviousness of my own AuDHD in the wake and my DHs ND… I am appalled for you.

Could you reach out to the GP and school for support for both you and your children, but also to establish whether your DH can have some counselling. Sadly you don’t just get to walk out because ‘it’s too hard’ - though both DH and I have hit the wall several times in our marriage due to parenting stresses (that do continue even though they are now 18 and 21).

Remaining in concat with the children is all well and good, because he gets to maintain a relationship without doing any of the graft, and he needs to understand that what he has done is - frankly - really bloody selfish, no matter how much it has impacted him. He should have reached out and asked for support once he realised he wasn’t coping - to you, to employee support at work, to his GP, to any of the services that are supporting you and the children. And I say that in the understanding that he may, too, be ND as usually one or both parent is when you have multiple ND children.

Life is a long list of disappointments and unforeseen hurdles. If you aren’t coping you need to ask for help.

I would message him and state that you understand this is hard, but that he has now left you to deal with it in its entirety - could he not at least consider reaching out for therapy and support along side you rather than simply abandoning you to deal with it alone?

@ByPeppyKoala my heart went out to you reading your OP - all you need is some kindness, not judgement,

people are unnnecessarily nasty on here, it's bloody disgraceful. They can't resist picking things apart and digging for more, rather than accepting what you've said and make a bit of effort to show some empathy.

it must be shocking to you that your DH has just walked out on you, and YANBU to feel deeply hurt, rejected and unsure about the future without him there with you. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with, trying to keep things going.

sometimes men are a bit "walk away rather than deal with it". It's so much easier for them, they walk away and don't look back, leaving the woman to deal with all the daily grind. Internalised misogyny through and through, In this situation it's still very new, so it could be your DH just needs some space to rebuild, and yes I know, you don't have that option do you. I interpreted your manner as calm and unflappable, someone has to be!

I bet it just feels raw and painful for you at the moment, so for that you have my respect. Hope he comes back and does some of the heavy lifting.

It sounds too much for anyone, why didn't he make the kids behave or take them out of the restaurant? They don't deserve to be taken to nice places from the sound of it.
He sounds depressed. On top of a bereavement too, no wonder you're struggling.
It must be so hard for you being left to deal with it. I hope your kids get the help they need and your husband gets through it.
It is possible for men to leave/ break down/ have crises without another woman involved despite what people on here tend to say.
Have you got a real life support network, use it if you have. Be kind to yourself.

He IS abandoning his children - he's reneging on his commitment to them and to you to care for them, to parent them.

He sounds burnt out.

Pressure at work?? 'Chaos' at home.

Not everyone has the same ability to cope with long term stress.

It doesn't sound like he's rejecting you...it's the family dynamic that he seems to be struggling with atm.

What magic powers does only he have?