Page 16 | AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

ByPeppyKoala · 2026-04-19T10:40:34+00:00

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together. Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else. For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening. Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel. I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant. After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke. Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left. No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done. I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away. AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do. **Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post. **

Badgerandfox227 · 19/04/2026 20:17

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 20:09

You need to read OP's updates.

Show quote history

I have, I don’t see how I’ve missed the point at all?

Walig54 · 19/04/2026 20:18

You are coping so well judging by the standards in this country. In the EU families go out in the evening for a calm atmosphere with all the family and that is what is expected and what normally happens.

Your DH is having MH problems and has seen what happens in the EU and cannot cope with his family situation at all. It is all very sad with all that has gone on with you all. Your DS obviously know and react to all the things that have gone before and none of you are healing. The healing process will take time and needs professional help in different ways.

I hope you find some balm to help you to cope with all this turmoil in your family. I fundamentally do not think your DH is cheating, there is too much to process in all this.

DurinsBane · 19/04/2026 20:20

usedtobeaylis · 19/04/2026 14:05

That's odd because on Mumsnet that's pretty much the default on every thread about men not facing up to their responsibilities - it's always the same mental health issues or the same neurodivergence.

Show quote history

Are we reading the same MN? Because I don’t see much of that, I usually see ‘it is almost definitely an affair’!

Genevieva · 19/04/2026 20:20

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 16:48

I called him because he wanted to speak to the boys, but I said we also needed to talk properly about what has been going on, why he has been acting differently and why he has walked out on us.

He told me he has been struggling with his mental health and has been having suicidal thoughts. We live in Oxford and he travels into London for work when he needs to. He said that over the past month or so, during those train journeys, he has found himself thinking about jumping in front of a train. Just before the Easter holidays there was one day where he felt very close to actually doing it.
On that day he saw a friend at the station. He opened up to him about everything, how he had been feeling, what he had been thinking, and the pressure at home, including everything going on with the children and the recent ND diagnosis of 2 of our boys. His friend decided not to go into work and came back to our house with him. They had a cup of tea and talked things through. I was working in the office that day so I was not there, and his friend stayed until I got home. At the time I did not think much of it.

Apparently back in March he got to his station he has to take a tube to his office once he gets into London and he just sat the station. He asked me to meet him that day and take the day off work for ‘child care emergency’ which I did and met him at the station 2 or so hours later, we went and go food. He didn’t seem off just said he wanted to spend time with me in london. Turns out it was because he was to scared to go down to the tube platforms and knew that he wouldn’t do anything ‘silly’ if I was there with him.

My husband did text me because we have a Ring doorbell so he knew I would see he had come back. He said he felt unwell, had decided to work from home, and had bumped into his friend at the station. He made it sound like a normal coffee and chat about work, as they are in the same industry.
I am going to pick him up later this evening as he is currently staying at the house we are trying to sell.

I did not even know how to respond when he told me all of this. I feel sad for him and sad for our family. A couple of years ago we were so happy, even though we were trying to understand our children and often felt like we were getting it wrong as parents. It feels like everything has changed so quickly.

What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy. He says he has been feeling like this for a while but does not want to hurt me or the children. He says he feels angry all the time, does not understand why, and feels very ashamed.

I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us rather than dealing with it on my own.

Edited

It’s a lot for you to take in, but it’s so important that he has told you. My husband went through something similar maybe a decade ago. It’s never die to having everything or even to do with the usual stresses of being a parent. It just is. Don’t try to pinpoint why or how. It won’t help. But now you know, it means you can support him and your marriage has a future. My husband’s experiences of depression now feel like a distant memory.

Johnsmithallenjones · 19/04/2026 20:23

@ByPeppyKoala This is a brief overview of TAF.

It seems that most if not all local authorities have them.

A Team Around the Family (TAF) is a voluntary, multi-agency approach providing early help to children and families with additional needs, usually before specialised services are required. It gathers professionals—such as teachers, health visitors, and support workers—with parents to identify strengths and create a coordinated support plan.

MrsFruitbat · 19/04/2026 20:23

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 20:02

I didn’t come here to be judged on how I parent my children, trust me I try so hard. They’re not spoilt, they have consequences, they know that and most importantly they’re just like other kids.

I came here to vent really I’ve really struggled to open up to friends, a few of my friends have children around the same age as mine and they’re typical and I was ashamed that my 2 boys might need just a bit of extra support. Now that they’re diagnosed it’s slightly better but when the eldest was much younger it was tough we’d go for play dates and things would be going well then suddenly it’s all just chaos, meltdown and I’d get jealous of my friends with ‘normal’ kids. I wasn’t educated on neurodiversity. I just assumed my children are verbal, they’re hitting their milestones, they are on par with the other children academically at school. It’s just my parenting. I just don’t feel as though I need to hide it’s hard when DH and I want to take them all out for some food in a nice restaurant and I have to pre warn the restaurant that our children can’t just sit still and we don’t want to ruin the ‘vibe’ of the restaurant. Even now when my eldest goes to his friends I pre warn the parents and say to them ‘he’s just an excited child and means well’ and I spend time being anxious when he’s at friends, hoping that it goes well and he’s doing well. I want him to grow up into a well rounded man so try not to seem anxious around him or place my fears onto him.

My friends have really been supportive of DH and I coming to terms with our sons being neurodiverse and understanding a bit more. I’m just glad that my children have so much support and we are just at the beginning the diagnosis has been recent. At the end of the day they are just like any kids, they’re just a bit more chaotic but they mean well. Thought about joining a support group for mums with neurodiverse kids but everything with DH has been chaotic I haven’t had time to.

All I’m trying to say is that my children don’t just get to act how they want and misbehave. I don’t think many parents want their children to behave badly in restaurants. There seems to be an assumption here about our parenting.

I love my children so so so much so does DH. We are trying we aren’t perfect and it is a fucking challenge but I’m never going to give up on my children they’re ambitious children who deserve the best just like any other child.

Edited

Also I would comment that restaurant meals can be a real source of stress to children who are hungry and tired . In our family it was a big challenge and I used to look with envy and disbelief at people (our nieces ) who would just sit still and behave . It has been easy for years now but it was easier to avoid certain situations in the past .

Papyrophile · 19/04/2026 20:25

Very very sad and incredibly stressful. Sending all the positive thoughts.. I have only read the OP's posts and I can only feel for her and her children, but her DH is also going through hell.

Johnsmithallenjones · 19/04/2026 20:27

ThatLemonBee · 19/04/2026 20:14

Well I’m sorry I didn’t , not everyone can read every page .

Show quote history

If you are going to comment with such certainty on someone’s post. At the very LEAST you read the OP’s comments.

HortiGal · 19/04/2026 20:29

@10namechangeslater read ALL of OPs comments and have your comment deleted
If ever the need to RTFT this such a thread for many commenters here.

Mumwithbaggage · 19/04/2026 20:29

I'm so pleased he has opened up to you. This can be the start of moving forward. Our son has ADHD and we lost a baby just after birth. DH doesn't talk to friends like I do/did and he too once had an utter blow up in a car park on holiday on France when a couple of the kids were playing up. He was going to fly home and move out. Didn't happen - he cooled down but many men do find emotions hard to deal with.

Please make sure you have support too - sounds like you have rl friends and family who can help.

And a massive shout out to your dh's friend who took the time to take the day off work to be with him and listen. And to your dh for making the right choice to speak out x

DurinsBane · 19/04/2026 20:30

ThatLemonBee · 19/04/2026 20:14

Well I’m sorry I didn’t , not everyone can read every page .

Show quote history

No they can’t, that’s why they read the OPs updates, which aren’t that hard to do

FlyingUnicornWings · 19/04/2026 20:32

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 19:04

Our daughter passed away from leukaemia aged 5

Show quote history

This is all so heartbreaking. You have been through so much. It’s a real shock to hear that someone you love is struggling so much sign their mental health. I imagine you must be feeling so overwhelmed.

Id encourage your husband to see his GP. What about you, how are you? Honestly? Do you need some extra support too?

Nodwyddaedafedd · 19/04/2026 20:32

Jfc.
I haven't read all of anyone elses posts but I've read yours OP.
Firstly - parenting AdHd kids is hard. What you describe sounds normal to me. Exhausting. But you are not bad parents at all. Id go out for dinner with you anytime and be relieved at least judgement.
Second. This sounds like burnout, espiecially the red mist. And it may be that he also has ADHD burnout. There has never been a time in my life I didn't have suicide ideation. Now (after the last attempt when I realised absolutely no one was ever going to rescue me) it is less than before but it's still there. It helps to realise it's part of ND.
And trains - oh my gosh there is something about trains and rivers that make you want to jump. It's hypnotic release. Even when I'm not in a bad way I have to stand away from the platform and not look at the tube coming in. So that but may not be personal but a symptom.
Lastly. The pressure needs to be off. It sounds like he's forgotten who he really is. He needs space and time to try to remember this. Time off, change career etc.
I think it sounds like if you can both get to a councillor this might be ok. In the meantime I wish you all the luck and love.

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 20:33

Butterme · 19/04/2026 15:28

When I had depression and wanted to kill myself, I didn’t abandon my child.
I went to the gp and got help knowing that if I killed myself my child would be left without a mother.

He is not so deep in his MH that he is in psychosis or something where he’s unable to reflect on his actions - he can still go on holiday, go to work, ring his kids and be functioning in every other aspect so the MH thing is not enough to justify him acting like a selfish twat.

If OP decided to leave her kids today then she’d be arrested but he’s able to do it knowing that OP will just pick up the pieces.

Show quote history

Just because that's how you reacted, doesn't mean that everyone's MH crisis is the same. It's known that depression, at least, often looks very different in men and in women. Your MH crisis is not OP's husband's MH crisis.

Looneytunez · 19/04/2026 20:33

Johnsmithallenjones · 19/04/2026 20:01

THEIR CHILD DIED.

He is feeling SUICIDAL.

Show quote history

Most sincere appologies! Op did not mention this in original post. I cant imagine the pain....Wishing you all the strenght OP and the best of luck to you and your boys.

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 20:34

Badgerandfox227 · 19/04/2026 20:17

I have, I don’t see how I’ve missed the point at all?

Show quote history

Ah, sorry, I think I replied to the wrong person. 💐

ChapmanFarm · 19/04/2026 20:35

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 20:02

I didn’t come here to be judged on how I parent my children, trust me I try so hard. They’re not spoilt, they have consequences, they know that and most importantly they’re just like other kids.

I came here to vent really I’ve really struggled to open up to friends, a few of my friends have children around the same age as mine and they’re typical and I was ashamed that my 2 boys might need just a bit of extra support. Now that they’re diagnosed it’s slightly better but when the eldest was much younger it was tough we’d go for play dates and things would be going well then suddenly it’s all just chaos, meltdown and I’d get jealous of my friends with ‘normal’ kids. I wasn’t educated on neurodiversity. I just assumed my children are verbal, they’re hitting their milestones, they are on par with the other children academically at school. It’s just my parenting. I just don’t feel as though I need to hide it’s hard when DH and I want to take them all out for some food in a nice restaurant and I have to pre warn the restaurant that our children can’t just sit still and we don’t want to ruin the ‘vibe’ of the restaurant. Even now when my eldest goes to his friends I pre warn the parents and say to them ‘he’s just an excited child and means well’ and I spend time being anxious when he’s at friends, hoping that it goes well and he’s doing well. I want him to grow up into a well rounded man so try not to seem anxious around him or place my fears onto him.

My friends have really been supportive of DH and I coming to terms with our sons being neurodiverse and understanding a bit more. I’m just glad that my children have so much support and we are just at the beginning the diagnosis has been recent. At the end of the day they are just like any kids, they’re just a bit more chaotic but they mean well. Thought about joining a support group for mums with neurodiverse kids but everything with DH has been chaotic I haven’t had time to.

All I’m trying to say is that my children don’t just get to act how they want and misbehave. I don’t think many parents want their children to behave badly in restaurants. There seems to be an assumption here about our parenting.

I love my children so so so much so does DH. We are trying we aren’t perfect and it is a fucking challenge but I’m never going to give up on my children they’re ambitious children who deserve the best just like any other child.

Edited

Oh @ByPeppyKoala you don't need to defend yourself. Quite frankly after losing a child it would be hard to blame you even if you are too soft on them (clearly this isn't the case but it's a complicated situation even without neuro diversity).

You've all been through a lot. Be kind to each other. Even the best behaved kids have moments of squabbles. If your husband was well he'd be able to cope but he isn't.

It is common for men to mask everything. But I do agree with others that action is needed quickly. It's good he'll get GP access and hopefully the mental health services he needs.

He has talked to you so that's positive. But beware the 'it's all fine now'. There's a lot going on under the surface and he does need to address it properly (not just get over the immediate crisis).

I wish you all well.

Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman · 19/04/2026 20:35

Dear OP I want to give you a big hug. It sounds like you and hubby and your kids have been through so much. Loosing a child and the diagnosis of your other children. You have been holding it all together so first of all go easy on yourself.

Is there family or friends you can turn to in real life? Have you spoken to your husband about counselling/ therapy for all of you? Can you take the pressure off with doing things as a family that might be easier eg picnics in the park where kids can run around rather than fancy restaurants. Is there any chance of you both having a break without the kids and family helping out? Even if it’s just a night?

I have had feelings like your husband and getting the right medical help is vital. Antidepressants are a lifeline for me and I hope he can find what works for him.

please OP get help for yourself as well. Go see your doctor.

ignore the judgemental comments. You are supporting your family. May you all have strength and healing.

💐

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 20:36

Boomer55 · 19/04/2026 16:38

Not always. 🙄

Show quote history

Seriously. Sometimes men develop MH crises, sometimes they feel trapped and depressed and desperate, just like women do. It's almost as if they're human!!!!

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 20:41

tiptoethrutulips · 19/04/2026 16:52

Read the OP's most recent post.

He's having a mental health crisis and is having suicidal thoughts. So much so that he recently broke down and told a friend, who also recognised the seriousness of where he is with his mental health that he didn't go to his own job and stayed with OP's husband until OP got home.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you can immediately get him into see his doctor and start finding some support for him.

Yes, that is some friend he has there! How lovely that the friend recognised the gravity of the situation, took a day off work, and stayed with him until his wife came home. We should all be so lucky to have friends like that.

BaublesAndGlitter · 19/04/2026 20:41

I’m so sorry OP. Having someone close to you dealing with this kind of MH issue is beyond the levels of stress and worry many people have to deal with.
I supported a parent through it a few years ago and it was awful, I wouldn’t wish it on any one. Be prepared for him to possibly start leaning on you and venting his thoughts and feelings on to you now he’s started talking. It’s a very hard balance to support him enough to work through his feelings and not take on so much on your shoulders that your own MH is shattered.

In case it helps, in our case GP referred to emergency psychiatrist at local MH hospital. Parent was seen within 48 hours (although this was following 2 attempts) and medication was started. It takes a few weeks to really kick in and we coordinated making sure parent was never alone.
I was lucky to have some family who pitched in and a DH who didn’t mind that I essentially disappeared for a few months. Do you have people you can lean on/confide in/ get out of the house with?

As for your DC, I’m pretty sure you’re doing ok keeping everyone going and keeping them on track. It’s a lot of work with 3 kids never mind adding ADHD to the mix. I’d def ignore posters who are kicking you about their behaviour - as long as they’re supported in school and getting what they need, misbehaviour at a restaurant (while out of routine on holiday) is the tiniest blip most people wouldn’t even think to mention!

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 20:43

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 19:04

Our daughter passed away from leukaemia aged 5

Show quote history

Oh, God. That's....well, there are no words really. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. 💐

NicknamesAreAPain · 19/04/2026 20:43

I'm so so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this.

Frillysweetpea · 19/04/2026 20:47

I really hope the messages of support are getting through amidst all the awful comments here. I'm another person here who is so sorry to hear of your loss and more recent difficulties. I hope you and all your family are managing ok and get the help you need.

Swiftie1878 · 19/04/2026 20:48

Givemeachaitealatte · 19/04/2026 18:52

So it's okay for her DH to basically absolve himself from parenting and family life and OP has to manage his mental health as well? No. At some point people have to learn to manage themselves, I'm sorry he's struggling but he is an adult and should go to the GP like I'm sure OP would if it was her that was struggling.

OP is being wonderful by even entertaining him at the moment after he left her and she's being supportive but at some point people have to be responsible for themselves.

Show quote history

This man is seriously ill, and incapable of ‘managing himself’.

I couldn’t disagree more with your stance on this.