AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

Ha, I wish I had the time.

Did you miss the part where I said this has happened to me recently? Granted, we're both in our 30s. Or am I making that up?

I'm going to say it again! For the love of God can you please read the update. The husband has told the OP that he has been feeling suicidal. Can people really show no compassion?

No, not to a man they can't. The misandry on this site is disgusting.

THEIR CHILD DIED.

He is feeling SUICIDAL.

I didn’t come here to be judged on how I parent my children, trust me I try so hard. They’re not spoilt, they have consequences, they know that and most importantly they’re just like other kids.

I came here to vent really I’ve really struggled to open up to friends, a few of my friends have children around the same age as mine and they’re typical and I was ashamed that my 2 boys might need just a bit of extra support. Now that they’re diagnosed it’s slightly better but when the eldest was much younger it was tough we’d go for play dates and things would be going well then suddenly it’s all just chaos, meltdown and I’d get jealous of my friends with ‘normal’ kids. I wasn’t educated on neurodiversity. I just assumed my children are verbal, they’re hitting their milestones, they are on par with the other children academically at school. It’s just my parenting. I just don’t feel as though I need to hide it’s hard when DH and I want to take them all out for some food in a nice restaurant and I have to pre warn the restaurant that our children can’t just sit still and we don’t want to ruin the ‘vibe’ of the restaurant. Even now when my eldest goes to his friends I pre warn the parents and say to them ‘he’s just an excited child and means well’ and I spend time being anxious when he’s at friends, hoping that it goes well and he’s doing well. I want him to grow up into a well rounded man so try not to seem anxious around him or place my fears onto him.

My friends have really been supportive of DH and I coming to terms with our sons being neurodiverse and understanding a bit more. I’m just glad that my children have so much support and we are just at the beginning the diagnosis has been recent. At the end of the day they are just like any kids, they’re just a bit more chaotic but they mean well. Thought about joining a support group for mums with neurodiverse kids but everything with DH has been chaotic I haven’t had time to.

All I’m trying to say is that my children don’t just get to act how they want and misbehave. I don’t think many parents want their children to behave badly in restaurants. There seems to be an assumption here about our parenting.

I love my children so so so much so does DH. We are trying we aren’t perfect and it is a fucking challenge but I’m never going to give up on my children they’re ambitious children who deserve the best just like any other child.

He is cheating , or at the very least he has someone probably younger and with no commitments whispering in his ear and he is tempted . Men don’t walk off without a reason and a backup plan . Where is he staying ?

READ THE UPDATE, for the love of God. .

Fucking Hell.

READ what the OP is writing in her updates.

I'm so sorry about your daughter, OP. 😞

Could her death have been the starting point of his MH struggles, and it's now just reached breaking point? Did he/you receive proper support and/or counselling at the time?

I hope you can both find a way to work through this. 💐

Turns out that the "arsehole man" has been struggling with serious depression and strong suicidal urges, as many of the more perceptive readers suspected.

Do not take on board ANYTHING people are writing about affairs, poor parenting etc etc.

You are both grieving, you both need some help.

You will get through this. It will be ok, but you both need to grieve. You both need to navigate a life with two ADHD diagnosed children and all the challenges that will bring.

If your area has it, please get in touch with TAF - They can help you with your children and offer great support.

I’m sorry for everything you’re going through OP, it must be incredibly hard for you now and for such a long time already.

If I was in your shoes I’d try and have a meet up with your DH whilst the kids are at school, encourage him to seek some help from GP and I’d be getting both of you talking therapy. If you have private health cover then use that as it’s much quicker.

It’s hard to say if he’s having a MH crisis, but if he is, then he can get better from this with help. I had a crisis a few years ago now, and felt like running away from my family, thankfully I managed to get professional help and some medication and it made a huge difference. It’s taken time, but I was so much better in just a few months. I also told my family and friends and accepted any help that was offered.

I really hope you’re ok xxx

The total lack of insight into mental health issues on the part of many PPs is just stunning. It is not normal to have a screaming meltdown in a public place. Amazing how many jumped to "what a dick" instead of "He doesn't sound OK." And we are supposed to be much more aware of mental-health these days!!

Have you read all of the OP's posts yet?
If not, please do.

You need to read OP's updates.

Please read the OP’s updates 🙄

I very much doubt a grieving and suicidal father has the headspace or time to have an affair.

This is incredibly unhelpful for the OP.

It really is. In many threads, across many topics, there is zero understanding of men and zero desire to accept that they have needs and wants just like women do.

Well I’m sorry I didn’t , not everyone can read every page .

Thank you MN for editing the opening post. Hope posters arent so eager to vent about an ‘OW’ that they actually get to the end of that post!

Sorry OP I just read your update . Make sure him and you get support . Men don’t deal with with children diagnosis and if he was already feeling depressed this will make it worse .
Do you think he will accept help ?

I have and I replied again

Sending you lots of support. Xxx

If he has had suicidal thoughts, particularly with such a drastic method ,my only and absolute priority would be supporting him to stay alive and allowing him whatever space he needed .And to reassure him how precious he was to our family and how much he was loved by all of us . Nothing else would matter to me . Suicide is devastating for years afterwards and sometimes it can be done impulsively .
His mental health and supporting him is crucial .
And I would be reconsidering everything including his work if he felt unable to continue .
Life with 3 children especially with ADHD can be overwhelming for anyone .With my own children things were sometimes beyond dreadful and we just had nothing in reserve . But is does eventually become easier as long as you can find the strength to keep going.

Hugs to you all, I hope you find a way through this; it is OK to feel hurt and all sorts of other emotions.

Please tell him to be completely honest when he sees the doctor tomorrow.