AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

It's interesting that your sons are neurodivergent, because I was wondering whether that was the issue with your DH. Many neurodivergent people struggle with change and noise, so a household occasionally full of chaos may well be something your husband really struggles to cope with. I'm not sure what you can do about it short of arranging for your husband to live separately but together with you some of the time.

You have asked AIBU to feel hurt that your husband has walked out?

Then further updates say that you have lost a child, two children have been diagnosed with ADHD, your husband has contemplated suicide many times.

I think you both need urgent assistance from a GP or mental health professional.

None of this is ok.

This is absolutely awful. My deepest, deepest sympathies for your loss.

Have you spoken with him since? Could he be depressed and just lost the plot? Has he always been an engaged parent? Are your boys well behaved generally? My boys are 10, 5 and 3 so I can understand it’s loud and sometimes it can feel a bit much. He may just need some time to gather himself. Where has he gone?

I'd be mad about this. So it's ok for him to just walk away and have a break and say he can't do this but meanwhile you have to keep struggling on and just dealing with it on your own instead of part of a team. Must be nice. How about he puts his big boy pants on and works with you instead of just bowing out when the going gets tough.
My husband would be told not to bother coming back.
Hope you get sorted op x

So sad reading your updates OP. I hope that he gets the help that he needs and that you can both work through this xx

They are married, he is the father to her children, why wouldn't she help!
Gosh, no wonder there's so much divorce if people can't be support their own husbands/wives.

For better or worse, not until you have MJ issues.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are both carrying this terrible terrible grief as well as trying to cope with 3 full on boys and everything else in life. It sounds like you both need support and help. You haven’t failed, you’re just living through extremely difficult circumstances.

I completely agree. Honestly @ByPeppyKoala I would ask for this thread to be removed some posters are not reading your updates.

The only way I can find some justification for his behaviour is if you regularly forbid him to have a say in raising the boys. And he wont push the matter further so as to not create arguments with you. I've seen this exact scenario in my family, where the mum did not believe in telling kids off/ setting boundaries and after 15 years the husband just lost it and walked out. She cant figure our why as she cant see anything wrong with her ways.

Oh, OP, how sad for your husband and how worrying for you. Thank God he's seeing his GP tomorrow. I do hope he gets signed off work for a bit. It sounds like he's having some pretty severe mental health issues. But, the good news is that he can get better. With the right treatment and support, mental health is very treatable. Gosh, he must have felt absolutely desperate when being so tempted to jump in front of a train. Thank God he didn't do it.

Things can get better, OP. You'll see. Your two boys have their diagnoses now and so will get the right treatment, and so will your DH. Better times ahead.

Sending hugs xxx 💐

@ByPeppyKoala i am sonsorry this has happened.

As someone who has an anxiety disorder and struggles to deal with stress especially when everything around me is in chaos, his behaviour from what you have written is indicative (for me at least) of a stress trigger. Is it possible that there are issues at work, possible redundancies etc that might be a trigger?

His words sound desperate, especially saying he feels like he is failing. It sounds like depression.

I would reach out to him, maybe counselling would help you all?

If there’s an issue with the boys behaviour it is up to BOTH parents to address that. Not for one to declare it ‘too much’ and check out.

Just to say I’m so so sorry OP, life sounds like it’s thrown everything at you both at the moment. What’s he’s told you is a lot to take in but the fact he’s opened up to you suggests he wants to get better.

Please make sure you also seek support (are you also covered by his private medical care) 🌺

This. Why is parenting an obligation for women and a choice for men.

The number of people on here who are blaming the op for lenient parenting and justifying her DH opting out on that basis.

They had 3 children together and the fact that he can walk away from that without proper explanations and a plan for maintaining the wellbeing of his kids shows just who he prioritised, and I say this as someone who went through terrible times and made it out of bed because 3 dc relied on me.

There’s an OW and his dc are being used as an excuse.

Also. I’ve reported this thread to MN and asked them to post upfront asking it people can read all updates. I’m not sure if OP needs to do this but hoping they might be able to on other posters requests

Affair or secret gambling/drug/alcohol problem

@ByPeppyKoala I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your daughter. You must miss her so much.

My children don't cope well with holidays or change in routine, so holidays are exhausting. You sound amazing at coping so well.

You both sound worn out. I hope things lift soon. Take care of yourself too.

Have now RTFT and sounds like you have both been through an unbelievable amount - I'm really sorry for your loss 💐sounds like MH crisis

Oh OP! This all sounds so incredibly hard, you have a lot on your plate. Please keep communicating with each other, it sounds like you have something worth fighting for. I’m very sorry about your little girl. Anyone that has been through something like that, will have a lot to deal with in terms of mental health and just processing life. Stay strong, better days will come.

Personally I think he could be ND, because of the noise, chaos etc. It is probably the same with your DCs.

In France quiet and controlled is the ambience in Restaurants in the evening. So with all the carry on it probably tipped your DH over the edge.

Children are very controlled in social settings in most Continental settings and are used to that scenario. In general our DCs are not disciplined in that way.

Your DH was overwhelmed, and your DCs played on that. Everyone in your family need to come to terms with social settings and behave appropriately, with no exceptions. I feel very sorry for you as the appropriately behaved and only totally responsible adult in this situation.

I agree with this.
My heart goes out to you and your husband.

How could you possibly be unreasonable to expect him to stick to the marriage vows? No one forced him to say them, did they? It would be very strange if you weren't extremely hurt.
For him to do this to you, and your kids, is awful. IF it is out of character, could it be a health issue? People can have brain tumours. depression, early onset dementia etc, and this is the only reasonable explanation for why someone should walk out on their wife and children.

Absolutely there’s another woman here. Get ready, OP, it’s coming.
Dont let him walk all over you.

Yes, but OP also needs a moment to process it all, not have a stranger make it out as if it’s her fault for taking her husband at his words when he chose not to disclose his MH issues until after he blindsided her and left the house. Now that he has finally told her what is going on, she is getting them and her husband more support from their families. They are going to go see the GP tomorrow.

What else is there to say? You sure assumed OP wasn’t going to help him when even reading the post about the call they recently had she literally said that what he told her in the moments he brought up at that time and what he told her on the call was entirely different and she only knows now about his MH struggles.

OP I hope it all works out and you all get the support you need. 💐

Their child died. Their sibling died.

This is not about poor or inadequate parenting or minimising bad behaviour.

It’s about grief, loss, fear and everything else that comes with such a significant loss.