AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

What a lovely post 🌺

Agree with this - he wants a new life.

Gosh @ByPeppyKoala you've had an awful time, both of you. Does your husband blame himself for your sons' diagnoses? Does he see himself in them and is now wondering if he is also ND? It's tough for you all.
It sounds like he's done the classic thing of bottling it all up until the lid comes off and the fizz goes everywhere. He probably took himself off to spare you all having to put up with him.
Which brings me to wonder if he is so busy putting everyone else first that he's not realised how poorly he has got. Until he's got to crisis point.
Thank goodness he asked for help those times and you are able to get him an appointment asap. Hopefully with medical help he will start to get better and things will be less overwhelming for him and, in turn, for you.
Take the help. Drum it into your husband that he's strong for asking for help etc and you are all there with him. He's likely to be feeling that he's letting you all down so narrate against that rhetoric if you can.
You sound to be a strong partnership so I send you thoughts and support. The going has got tough for you but you sound as though you're able to ride it out. Good luck and remember to look after yourself too.

@ByPeppyKoala
Somethings gotten to husband obviously; guessing it could be work, another woman, health/money related problems
The thing that struck me was when you said "there's nothing I can do"?
Seems you're so involved with sons that if it turned out to be him on the verge of a total breakdown and I don't know if it is,
And neither am I making excuses for him but
He'd had enough of the "day-to-day"
Which happened when even on holiday
Not right I know; as you're carrying the can at the moment alone
But
If your sons are truly that constantly chaotic and scrappy whilst you follow behind them
And it's him at breaking point
He may want out unless you can talk and come to agreement

He pays for help in the home ie a cleaner and child and spousal support. Also wraparound care if you are working. He is 50% responsible for the children and should not be allowed to just walk away.
At least hit him in the wallet

I am so sorry about your daughter 😔💐

How long ago did she pass, if you don’t mind me asking? (Obviously you do not have to answer).

I imagine the loss of your daughter, your son’s ADHD diagnoses and then extra work pressures and family life are pushing him to breaking point.

He needs to see a metal health practitioner urgently, and be signed off work from the GP.

All that being said, YANBU to be angry and upset. Having mental health issues isn’t an excuse to walk out on your family and just check-out of family life.

You’ve got to be kidding.
This is what marriage and family is all about.

Could you at least read the updates. The man has just informed OP that he has been feeling suicidal.
This is why men suffer for so long. They are told to 'man up' that they shouldn't be pathetic, a wuss, weak. If he had a broken leg you wouldn't expect him to keep walking on it. He would get treatment. At present his mind is broken and needs healing.

Agreed. So many people have commented without reading the OPs updates. That really really annoys me.

Oh, that is terrible, @Bigmomma88. The day will come when he regrets his actions! I cannot abide men who do this. They're weak and pathetic, led by their dicks. And the ones who don't bother about their kids, too...there's a special place in hell for those. I don't know how OW can possibly find a man like this attractive.

Edit incorrect post

He’ll be back. I would then tell him to turn around and walk straight back out the door. He’ll soon realise he can’t cope with life on his own, absolute selfish dickhead.

Have you read the update?……

Could you please read the update? You are talking about a man who has said he felt suicidal. Show some compassion.

@ByPeppyKoala i may be completely wrong here but is it you whose daughter passed away in infancy? I think you’ve posted before about your husbands distance and mental health?

You both need support. You’ve been through a very difficult time losing your daughter - many condolences.

My DS has a friend who has ASHD as does another of his siblings. From what their parents say, they have coped by not doing things that they know their DC won’t cope with. Their mum told me years ago when the boys were about 10 and 12 that their holidays were self catering - no hotels, no restaurants at night because their DSs just couldn’t cope. (Now they’re young adults and they do cope.) They had family members telling them that they must try to do ‘normal’ things with their DC, but I remember her saying that they survived by doing things differently.

So it's okay for her DH to basically absolve himself from parenting and family life and OP has to manage his mental health as well? No. At some point people have to learn to manage themselves, I'm sorry he's struggling but he is an adult and should go to the GP like I'm sure OP would if it was her that was struggling.

OP is being wonderful by even entertaining him at the moment after he left her and she's being supportive but at some point people have to be responsible for themselves.

This is really terrible, Op. I’m sorry.

(Deleted the rest of my post after catching up with the updates)

Exactly this. The man sounds like he needs some mental health support.
start with that & take care of your own mental health too OP.
you’ve been together a long time. You know him & this sounds like it’s been building without any change being implemented for him. Maybe this is the reset you both need to come together again with professional help. Good luck and trust in yourself & your own instincts (not those of well meaning strangers online). All the best.

So sorry you are going through all this.

I have recently gone through similar with my DH. I had noticed for a while he just wasn't himself, was very snappy with the kids, lacked patience and had no get up and go. I told him numerous times he wasn't himself, let's go to the GP and he point blank refused.

Exact same situation as you, it all came to a head after a family holiday abroad. He just kept saying I cant do this anymore, I cant deal with the kids, Im a shit father and he just felt miserable. Saying he loves me and kids but hates his life. The next morninf he went off to work, but didnt go. Came home, we sat down and I finally convinced him to go to the GP.
I went with him to the GP, he then came told GP he was having suicidal thoughts. First I had heard of it. It was devastating to listen to.

He was prescribed an anti depressant and my lovely husband is finally back.

My advice is to get him to a GP ASAP and go from there.

I hope you are doing ok xx

Also wondering if your sons getting their diagnoses has made his realise he may have ADHD or be neurodiverse himself?

Our daughter passed away from leukaemia aged 5

Please don't listen to those trying to put responsibility for his MH onto you as well as coping with the children, house, work etc. He's perfectly able to ring his GP/make an appointment to see someone/walk into A & E.

His MH is not your job to fix, this has to be on him.

It sounds like both of you are understandably completely burnt out. He may not be handling it brilliantly but having been in burn out I get it’s not always possible

do you think he would be up for some sort of therapy as an individual a couple and ideally a family?