AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

What a difficult position for you both, I’m so sorry for how he is feeling but also the situation it leaves you in, could he see your gp? Is he open to trying medication to help? I was suicidal when my two children were very young and it was life saving x

Understandable

For me at least that day I just thought he was having a bad day I did probe him he said he was fine just wanted to see me. I didn’t think my husband was having suicidal thoughts. Now I know and I want to support him.

His friend knew but I’m making the assumption that he told his friend this information in confidence and I’m just glad he had someone to speak to someone he trusted.

I’ve said to him he needs to get support and he needs to speak to his GP. I’m in an awful place too but I’m not suicidal I’m struggling a lot with our children it’s very hard dealing with the meltdowns but then when he have good days they’re very good days. Recent ADHD diagnosis I have hope that we will get to a stage where things are settled now that we know. I didn’t know much about ADHD till 2 of my sons got diagnosed. I feel crap about that I’m trying very hard I’ve been trying very hard to be understanding but also raise them well and I feel so shit when they have meltdowns in public but I’m also not going to not take my children out because of fear of everyone judgment. People look and have their own opinions but they don’t know what’s going on at all. No parent wants their child to be ‘badly behaved’

Two neurodivergent children likely didn't come from nowhere so it isn't improbable that the husband is autistic. As an autistic woman I'm so glad my children inherited my autism. I love my ADHD relatives dearly but children with ADHD do my head in - I can only take low doses before I need to go decompress in a dark room. And yes many, many autistics struggle with suicidal ideation. We have the worst suicide rate of just about any demographic.

completely agree with this.

Very difficult Op, as women we end up carrying it all, as the man finds it difficult to cope with the emotional fall out of life.
Saying that, I would be very concerned after what you have said about him feeling suicidal, has your husband got ASD? (That and adhd coincide in our family. ) I have ASD and I find my adhd family exhausting after a day.
I also am wondering the death of your daughter is still upsetting him to unmanageable emotions. Sorry for your loss xx

The diagnosis didn’t trigger the bad behaviour. Presumably you’ve both been living in ADHD chaos for years, albeit undiagnosed. You sound very passive, and I accept that you’re struggling, but not getting your DH the help he needs is only making things worse. ‘Telling’ him he needs to see a doctor is NOT getting him help. You need to advocate for him. Is he safe now? Where is he? Could he harm himself?
Seriously, you need to get a grip on this.

I will be there advocating for him. He is able to get an appointment tomorrow with his works private health insurance. He is safe and is as okay as he can be. The kids are just happy he’s home.

I am supporting him and I am taking it seriously I’m not sure what else I can say to prove that. I’ve just found out that my husband has been having suicidal thoughts I don’t even know how to respond to that all I know is that I am going to support him and speak to his family and my family so we have a bit of extra support.

My friend has two teenage sons with adhd and her marriage broke down with the stress of it. Honestly her sons were so so so demanding, and difficult that when you posted about the diagnosis I did wonder about this because difficult behaviour at these ages is unusual. It is so hard and I am not surprised he is struggling. You aren’t, but you’re different. Also there is an element of men just get to walk out. This is not the case. You could also walk out. He just beat you to it. You need to talk obviously but be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You are also allowed to be angry. I am sure he loves you as he loves his sons. Love doesn’t make living easier but often, thank goodness it stops you from hurting yourself. I hope the best for all of you.

OP... what is going on with your kids? Have you been downplaying/minimising their poor behaviour? Really, children should be expected to behave civilly at a restaurant. But you said it was chaos. So why didn't you take them home, or warn them there would be a consequence if the poor behaviour continued?

I would be looking at your approach to parenting (both yours and his) because it sounds like he has been struggling to cope for a while. Home life shouldn't be chaos, should it?

💐

FFS. Read the updates.

Please don’t judge my parenting. No normal parent is fine letting their children behave anyway they want. That is certainly not the case here trust me.

2 of my sons struggle they have only recently been diagnosed. There is support in place but it not just a quick fix that works instantly. I’m even still learning more and more about their diagnosis. 2 out of 3 of my children are not typical I don’t need judgment over a tiny piece of my day to day navigating it all.

The thread has moved on a great deal. The OP doesn't need scolding right now.

Yanbu it is really hard to parent children and then throw in nd. It affects everything. My dh couldn’t cope either but spent a lot of timing shouting etc until I realised I had to put the children first. I’m sorry it’s so hard op. Personally I would take him to a&e if he is at risk. Maybe call 111. It’s hard when life doesn’t work out as we imagine but we need to find a balance. This sounds really tough for you managing his mental health as well as the boys. I hope you can reach out to friends and family for support.

Sorry OP your DH is indeed depressed & feeling very close to the edge. High functioning depression (& anxiety) means that for a lot of people they don’t understand why they don’t feel like their usual selves, why they aren’t functioning the same any more & why they can’t like with most other things, rationalise their feelings, process them & snap out of it. So they try harder to feel normal, ignore & just try to will themselves into feeling better, throw themselves into work or self medicate. If you’ve always been successful in most parts of your life, not feeling right & not being able to function, or parent or relate properly - comes as a real source of shock, fear & shame, as there is no reason why you should not be feeling ok, and if anyone were to find out they’d think you’re just not trying hard enough, being lazy or just a failure. Self criticism becomes depression’s favourite weapon & is incredibly debilitating but keeps serving up the narrative that you are failing, you are weak, defective, not good enough.

It’s incredibly hard when you understandably as his DW say well we’re financially secure, have a wonderful family, each other, home, good jobs, loving parents, friends - how can he be depressed? It doesn’t work like that ,

And as lots of PP’s have said it’s really not at all surprising one of you is showing signs of acute stress & depression given what you’ve all been through with loss, grief, pressure & ND on top of all of life’s other stressors.

As others have said as ND is highly genetic it’s highly likely unless your DC are adopted either or both of you are on the spectrum. For whom anxiety & depression prone thinking can be hard wired. Undiagnosed ND often explains why lots of people who suffer from high functioning depression (seeming to) suddenly break down - because they’ve been so skilled at masking & appearing “normal” all their lives, that any depressive feelings or symptoms are also strongly camouflaged for fear of social ridicule, rejection, being seen to be weak, a failure etc. And basic fear. It is genuinely a really scary place to be where your DH is right now & I commend him for finally letting you in & disclosing.

For some people with ND not being able to feel or recognise or label emotions as easily as others, can also make emotionally regulating more difficult. And depression go undetected.

Undiagnosed ND shows up in lots of ways & what your DH is experiencing is very common. I don’t know if your DC have been assessed for autism also as AUDHD can really complicate & impact how we self regulate which you mention your DC struggle with when overwhelmed & experiencing meltdowns.
And your DH is mentioning noise sensitivity - although when chronically & acutely stressed, fight or flight responses are heightened & noise, light sensitivity is heightened, along with reduced stress tolerance & feeling anxious or angry, all the time.

There are huge amounts of help & medication available now so at least you & your DH can get him the help he needs now. He may find if he is ND too this unlocks an awful lot for how & why he may be feeling the way he is, which is hugely therapeutic in itself but also for how he parents your DC, with that insight in mind.
Good luck.

Op, there are a number of websites and apps that you could look to for immediate support until he can see his Dr tomorrow, one that's been highly recommended is called 'Stay Alive' by a group called Grass Roots, may be of help to you with ways to approach conversations around suicide and ideas to support you.

OP has literally just been told about her DH's suicidal ideation. She is in shock and struggling to make sense of everything. She literally doesn't know what to do and why should she? She is the one struggling to deal solo with their children.

Her husband should contact charities such as the Samaritans or Suicide Prevention UK.

As long as he still contributes , let him go . You can bring up the boys alone ..be brave . If there isn’t another woman ( unlikely ) and he wants to backtrack , let him do the work.

Good luck Op. x

I know you mean well but OP is dealing with her own mental health, her husband has just left her, she is dealing with 3 children and has just found out he's suicidal. I'm sorry but you're expecting too much from one human being who doesn't sound like she's got a lot left to give.

Her DH is a fully grown adult with family and friends. He needs to talk to those people and advocate for himself.

I’m almost certain there will be another woman involved and he’s having an affair. All the alarm bells. Men rarely usually just pack a bag and leave their family out of the Blue. The distance and blow up in the restaurant smacks of guilt. Text book. I’m sorry OP.

@ByPeppyKoala there are some nasty, judgmental and blaming posts here. Please don't pay them any attention.

He does though, he already has.
One parent can walk away. Easy peasy.
Two parents walking away is a problem.

Sorry your feeling this way, having kids with ADHD is bloody hard it's a constant I took the kids out today for dinner my son 14 couldn't sit still had to be told hundreds of times to stop this and that. I have the one DC like this so you have my deepest sympathy at 2/3 boys. I hope your relationship can be mended. But every time my ex husband left me because it got hard for him I ended up resenting him and lost a huge amount of respect for him leaving me (a lot) I don't think there is OW but it's also not easy for you having to deal with this alone either.

I hope the appointment goes well and kudos to him for opening up about his mental health struggles but make sure you get some support too