AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

It sounds as if your husband just can’t take any more of your kid’s behaviour, and has walked away.

Probably no one else - just burn out.

I hope you can sort it out.

Not always. 🙄

Wishful thinking.

What a bizarre comment.

The original post makes it sound as if the boys are chaotic and too much for the husband to handle. That's understandable, I would be the same if I was in the same position.

What on earth has that got to do with "OW"? How strange.

Before I read the thread I was wondering about neurodivergence- which is obviously genetic. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it does sound a little like a break down- if you want the marriage to work, it might be useful to think about therapy for him/with him with a ND aware therapist who could point him towards an assessment for adhd/asd if helpful?

A lot of people have sadly been through this and are mentioning it so the OP is aware, ie husband/partner walks out which feels unexpected, then a lot of the time an OW does come out of the woodwork weeks or months later. It happened to me recently. It could be overwhelm, mental health, it could be loads of things, but it could also be that he has been cheating/having an affair.

You can still go on holiday and him be having an affair. My DH did, we went away for my birthday, went out for dinner, had days out as a family. Then I found out he was cheating, They just do both.

He went on a work night out to meet up with his OW. They make time. Men rarely leave without having the next one lined up ready.

Firstly sorry you are having such a difficult time this is very stressful. Now for the not so nice to hear part - ADHD is not a reason for children to be living in chaos - that is still a parenting issue. If the children were all overwhelmed, overtired and fighting, maybe you should not have got food to eat in - or ordered to take away. If that was not an option a sandwich from a service station. It’s hard to have a ND child, however it’s also very important for the responsible adults to manage this. I’m not judging, I am just pointing out an uncomfortable truth and I do have experience of this myself. Your children are quite old now, and presumably not had support in place if this is only a new diagnosis. I am assuming that there has been ongoing issues with behaviour and if so (13 years) is a long time to live without strategies. Are you both on the same page with the diagnosis? Does your husband believe that they have ADHD or think you have been a lax with boundaries? I know this seems like a strange question but many parents with additional needs children are not aligned on those things. You need to have a very honest talk with your husband to get to the bottom of this and I do feel family counselling. Also you need to have strong strategies that you are both aligned on to deal with unacceptable behaviour so the children feel secure and know where they stand. Good luck OP - I hope yju manage to sort this out

I called him because he wanted to speak to the boys, but I said we also needed to talk properly about what has been going on, why he has been acting differently and why he has walked out on us.

He told me he has been struggling with his mental health and has been having suicidal thoughts. We live in Oxford and he travels into London for work when he needs to. He said that over the past month or so, during those train journeys, he has found himself thinking about jumping in front of a train. Just before the Easter holidays there was one day where he felt very close to actually doing it.
On that day he saw a friend at the station. He opened up to him about everything, how he had been feeling, what he had been thinking, and the pressure at home, including everything going on with the children and the recent ND diagnosis of 2 of our boys. His friend decided not to go into work and came back to our house with him. They had a cup of tea and talked things through. I was working in the office that day so I was not there, and his friend stayed until I got home. At the time I did not think much of it.

Apparently back in March he got to his station he has to take a tube to his office once he gets into London and he just sat the station. He asked me to meet him that day and take the day off work for ‘child care emergency’ which I did and met him at the station 2 or so hours later, we went and go food. He didn’t seem off just said he wanted to spend time with me in london. Turns out it was because he was to scared to go down to the tube platforms and knew that he wouldn’t do anything ‘silly’ if I was there with him.

My husband did text me because we have a Ring doorbell so he knew I would see he had come back. He said he felt unwell, had decided to work from home, and had bumped into his friend at the station. He made it sound like a normal coffee and chat about work, as they are in the same industry.
I am going to pick him up later this evening as he is currently staying at the house we are trying to sell.

I did not even know how to respond when he told me all of this. I feel sad for him and sad for our family. A couple of years ago we were so happy, even though we were trying to understand our children and often felt like we were getting it wrong as parents. It feels like everything has changed so quickly.

What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy. He says he has been feeling like this for a while but does not want to hurt me or the children. He says he feels angry all the time, does not understand why, and feels very ashamed.

I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us rather than dealing with it on my own.

It isn't strange at all. Classic.

Cherchez La Femme, I'm sorry

I’m sorry for what you are going through OP. Sounds as though he is overwhelmed and reached his limit in the restaurant when the boys were arguing. I used to work with families of ND children and it is very common for this to happen to the parents. As he works full-time too the downtime just isn’t there. He has likely experienced burnout.

Yes people might call him selfish but when you are at breaking point, giving yourself space as he has done is actually the best thing to do. He didn’t become physically abusive, there is no evidence of him cheating. Had he stayed with you all in the family home things could have spiralled so, actually, putting space between you is one way of being able to process things and gain some clarity.

Of course all this is hard on you and you aren’t in a position to walk away but I think it’s also important to recognise together he has reached breaking point and plan a way forward in which you both get some downtime and parenting is less of a daily battle.

And for all those posters who say he doesn’t love you. Absolute rubbish! We can love someone but be at breaking point because life is hard and loving someone doesn’t magically make life easier. Burnout happens irrespective of love because when you are truly burned out you don’t see the love; it is hidden by the weight of responsibility and stress.

I genuinely wish you well OP. Sending hugs.💐

Read the OP's most recent post.

He's having a mental health crisis and is having suicidal thoughts. So much so that he recently broke down and told a friend, who also recognised the seriousness of where he is with his mental health that he didn't go to his own job and stayed with OP's husband until OP got home.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you can immediately get him into see his doctor and start finding some support for him.

Yeah, sure.

Random women just show up out of nowhere and, for absolutely no reason, initiate romantic relationships with men in their 40s who have 3 children.

I think you have been reading too many books and watching too much TV.

Absolutely agree.

He needs to see his GP and get some professional help.

I'm glad he's opened up to you about his current struggles. Please get him to the doctors as soon as possible. I would try to attend with him. If you are concerned and think he might self harm just call 999.

My initial thought was DEFINITELY another woman. Then the OP wrote about his suicide ideation and calling her to prevent himself from killing himself in a tube station 😳
My question is, why on earth did you not get him professional help, like, IMMEDIATELY?! Why just then carry on like everything is OK?!

They talk about reaching out for help when your mental health is tanking. He has! Twice, at least!! And everyone has just had a cup of tea or some food and moved on!

This man needs help. NOW.

So glad that you had a chance to talk and get some insight into what is going on OP. Its still hard tho. I hope you get as much support and advice as you can and that you can help him access some help for his condition. Wishing you and your family all the very best

I voted YABU from the guest because I thought your husband was having a mental health crisis. And now your most recent post makes it clear that he is, a very serious one. I don’t understand your previous posts at all. You seem to be thinking about yourself and blaming him for not being able to cope. But he’s clearly clinging on by a thread.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your daughter. I’m really worried about your husband. But what’s going on with you? Are you angry because you feel you have to cope and have no option to fall apart?

I’m not trying to pile on but your posts have been very confusing and a drip feed. Do you think you’re on the verge of breaking too?

Tell me you don’t understand people without saying you don’t understand people.

Now you’ve had that conversation OP, it definitely does sound more mental health related. Regardless of what’s going on, it’s pretty bad of him to just walk and leave you with three kids, two of whom have ADHD. Not many women get to just walk away like that when their mental health is struggling.

If it is MH (as he says) then he needs to speak to his GP and he needs therapy too. With those two things there’s a possibility this can be repaired.

"I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us"
So he's now spoken to you and you still aren't getting it. He had to leave, or be tipped over the edge. He can't be a support right now. The only plus right now is your financial cushion, you can buy in help. He needs to see his GP, or you go private and he starts treatment. You've both got to accept that life isn't what you hoped it would be.

This type of mental health breakdown reminds me of someone - He has undiagnosed Autism and living in an ADHD chaotic household was very challenging for them. Setraline helped take the edge off for a while at least for the suicidal thoughts. I think for an autistic brain suicide can become a practical solution and a hyperfocus. Does he have a special interest he isn't able to engage with because of the demands of family life?

Please encourage him to get help.

Not this again. Firstly, read the update. Secondly, stop using phrases you think make you sound intellectual and witty. They don’t.