AIBU to feel hurt by our childminder's abrupt goodbye?

[Bitzy123]

My partner dropped off the kids at the childminders (who gave notice to us four weeks ago) this morning. Yesterday we dropped off flowers and chocolates. Grandma will pick them up this evening so my partner who does all the pick ups and drop offs won't see her again and not will anyone after today. She said she had given notice for personal reasons and gave no other reasons after looking after my son for 2 years who is 2 years 7 months and my other son who is 20 months. She has had them both since months old. There has never been much more handover or communication from her (I found out other childminders give comprehensive info on naps mealtimes etc) and she has only ever told us things when my partner asks. She has always been pleasant and reliable though and I thought we were good. It really knocked me for 6 when she gave notice but we have found someone else. I guess I just find it strange the lack of anything. I wanted to be gracious despite her binning us off and got her a big box of chocolates, nice flowers and a thank you card signed from all of us.

This morning my partner updated me after drop off that she barely said anything and was about to shut the door on him before he could wish her well and say bye etc, he said all th best and she said 'oh yes I wont see you later will I I hope it goes well with the new minder'. She has 20 years experience and 2 grown up sons of her own. We have never had any conflict, I wondered why she has been so cold at the end after she has been the one to slight us? Before people chime in with 'shw owes you nothing' etc I know all that already I understand nobody owes anyone anything! I just feel hurt that she didn't even have a few words to say before leaving even if she doesn't owe them.. to us a childminder has been meaningful and someone whom we've trusted to care for our sons since they were both 5 months old on this journey that is parenting etc. I wonder what we've done wrong or what went wrong?

That is quite strange. Is she giving up childminding, or is it just you she's given notice to? I wonder if she's had a serious health diagnosis or similar and is just going through the motions at the moment.

You may necer know OP but it's upsetting and disconcerting. Possibly she has had some personal crisis or tragedy and is only just holding herself together while she finishes work.

There could be many reasons she has stopped childminding.

she is a service you have paid for and presumably got what you wanted from that service.

maybe it’s not about you

I would guess she has something going on in her personal life so is very much focussed on moving on and not looking backwards. She did her job well and now she has something else she needs to do. Your kids won’t remember her and I’m sure they’ll like the new childminder too. It’s great you were able to find someone so quickly!

This isn’t about you, there’s numerous reasons why she could be giving up. Ill health, ill family member she needs to care for, relationship breakdown, etc etc sounds like she’s just going through the motions. She obviously just wants to get it done and dusted so she can focus on whats next. I think yabu expecting some great big goodbye.

Did you have another thread about this when she gave notice?

Either way, I would feel the same as you but you have to reframe it in your mind. None of this is personal in her mind though of course it is in yours because it's your children. It is a business arrangement. I think she sounds odd to be honest but that has nothing to do with you and your kids. Try to shake it off and move on. Your kids have you as their emotional homebase and they won't remember this childminder or feel this as a slight unless you make them remember it by going on about it.

Why are you hurt when you weren’t even there? How is her interaction with your partner in any way hurtful to you? Bizarre.

I’d have thought something major had happened & she’d had to give up childminding rather than ditching you for another family. Agree with PP.

Why is it assumed ir was something to do with you? There could be a million reasons

Reasonable to feel a bit put out. I think you just have to tell yourself that it’s her, not you.

There’s a strange dynamic in child minding. In some ways, two families are blended- the DC become part of the minder’s family. The minder becomes extended family.

You are trusting her with the well being of your most important treasure.
She’s paying her bills.

We want to kid ourselves that this isn’t about money, that there’s real relationship involved, but ultimately she wouldn’t be looking after other people’s children if she wasn’t paid for it.

For a while, you both relied on each other- you couldn’t work and pay your bills without her, and vice versa. When that changes and she no longer needs you, for whatever reason, it’s uncomfortable how fast it changes.

Some people find goodbyes/endings really awkward. She may also be carrying some guilt that she has let you down or messed you about. It may not be about you and she might be having some personal struggles that you are unaware of.
Try not to take it personally and good luck with your new childcare.

Sounds like she’s not a very communicative person all round, so it might not be out of character. Or she might have been upset and not wanted to show it, if the decision has been forced on her.

Don’t forget, in addition, that although she’s been in the position of caring for your children, it has been primarily a business arrangement for her, so a much less emotional one than it has been from your end. She will be fond of them, but not as emotionally invested as you feel she might or should be.

I hope all goes well with your new arrangement.

Some harsh responses here. I would also wonder when you’ve had a decent relationship in the past. I’d have to conclude that it was, as others have said, something like a serious illness and nothing to do with the children. But then I get Christmas presents for my cleaner etc and would have done and felt exactly as you do, OP.

It sounds as if it is in accordance with her usual way of communicating?

I would be hurt too! But - we all communicate differently - she might find it hard/ sad and be someone who buttons up her feelings.

If she has been caring with your children that is all that matters.

Assuming you aren't the only family she minds for, then perhaps she is finding the end sad. As others have suggested, maybe she is stopping childminding for a specific reason (ill health, caring duties for a family member, the costs no longer being feasible) and therefore finds it hard to say goodbye.
She might also just hate goodbyes. I find them awkward, always want to cry, so try to avoid where possible.

Given that it’s personal reasons I think you need to allow some latitude here

Its a business relationship thats now ended with full notice and respect. Shes looked after your children well and professionally, are you expecting her to be heartbroken or emotional over not seeing or caring for them anymore?? Im a parent myself, but much as we love and adore our children, we cant expect the same level of emotional investment in them from everyone. Stop taking it so personally and move on. Just a thought, perhaps she finds your emotional engagement overwhelming or too much, and thats why her instinct is to draw back? I have no idea, but I think your response is a little over the top.

It sounds like she has something major going on in her personal life. It's unlikely a slight against you.

You've posted about this a few times and been given lots of reasons and scenarios why this has happened so I dont know what you expect to get from this continual mooning over it.

Having worked in childcare for many years you just get used to children moving on and it's not a big gushy deal of tears and lingering goodbyes.

It might be that her personal reasons for resigning are troubling her so much, so much on her mind that normal pleasantries are beyond her. It happens so try not to judge her or feel offended.

Did you post when she gave you notice without explanation? If so, I think you are too nice giving her leaving gifts to be honest! I don't think you will ever know what's going on with her, it's perplexing but just one of those things unfortunately.

She hasnt "binned you off" - she's given you notice that she is stopping due to personal reasons, which could be anything. It sounds as though she isnt particularly communicative anyway so why expect her to be now? Agree, this is not about you.

I really can’t believe you are still caught up on this after all the threads and all the people offering you so many reasons why she might not be behaving the exact way you want her to. Let it go, it’s getting weird now.