To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

I read the Disney thread.

So DH didn't want to marry, OP got pregnant and guilt tripped him into marriage. Now she's trying to force DH's family to fund pay for her own DD the same way as they do for their DGC. And if not, she's leaving them.
I'm very much team MIL, well done for protecting her son's inheritance.

OP caused enough damage, I hope she's not trying to hide facts from the youngest - she will find out and will never forgive.

And this is 100% how it should be. All children within the family should be loved, valued and cherished equally - their parentage is irrelevant. Kudos to your stepmom - she sounds lovely!

Well she put her foot down and they are divorcing and her older daughter will now lose DH who has been a good father to her when her own real useless father hasn't been in her life. Amazing result.

Blended families are generally shit for the kids no one really benefits and most of the time parents think it’s great but the kids when grown up often say nah it was crap
They don’t have a voice as kids to say stuff

having step kids is one thing I have 2 DSK they are adults now but at no point was I ever financially responsible for them

when you have a joint / shared kid and one that is older like the OP you can’t be fair and equal if one set of GP are wealthy and want to spoil their grandchildren

it’s why like I posted earlier I / we didn’t have a joint child as my sons paternal family are very wealthy and my own parents were reasonably well off
my son has had private school , gap years bought cars and inheritance and has more to come in the future . Him and his partner are pretty much set up for life at a fairly young age

having a joint child would have probably meant that they wouldn’t have been as financially secure as my son and to he honest
( I don’t like baby’s and kids that much anyway 😂) so not having another kid wasn’t a big deal

The op knew the score , she selfishly thought she could bully , push the wider family into accepting her daughter despite them saying it wasn’t going to be the case

she gambled and lost
but it’s only her kids that will eventually lose out

OP will need to spend some money on some decent therapy for her eldest child

He doesn’t sound like a loss to me if he isn’t treating the kids the same!!!

All of these (except for the inheritance) is something her mum should control. She is not living in a vacuum and her parents are not devoid of any will - unless they deliberately want to create this situation.

IMO this is far worse than an ongoing hobby at home, to be honest.

However (yet again) it should really be down to OP and her DH to establish boundaries with MIL. She seems like a meddler.

But she just out her foot down with her DH... who has been on the same page as her. I just cannot fathom why the DH ends up.divorced and the kids all get fucked over even more by having the family split up more than it already is...

The OP and her DH should have put a united foot down with MIL and said no to the big expenditures without prior discussions and agreement from them in case they couldn't afford for the oldest child.

I can understand why the DH has said there's no going back now though. He's probably a bit fed up of OPs rants but her not making any meaningful decisions (based on reading of previous threads).

The op knew the score , she selfishly thought she could bully , push the wider family into accepting her daughter despite them saying it wasn’t going to be the case
she gambled and lost
but it’s only her kids that will eventually lose out

This in a nutshell. Her first daughter has a shit dad. She was hoping that landing this husband and his rich family would make up the financial gap left by her elder daughter’s shit dad. She was wrong.

I assume you can’t finance this stuff for your eldest daughter? Is that where the inequality is coming from?

Completely agree.

I’m a granny and I treat all my grandchildren and step grandchildren the same. It’s cruel to treat them differently. But that’s just me.

Her mum is not her only parent. Her dad has just as much say and control. And it's clear her dad's side don't want to stop paying for things youngest enjoys like hobbies.

You're not being realistic about the way this is going to pan out. They divorce, H's family continue to be the fun rich ones. Over time, who is youngest going to want to stay with? How do you explain the widening differences to eldest?

It is shit for the eldest, obviously. But this is the way things are.

There is no way OP can make them equal without taking both girls and cutting H and his family off completely. And no court in the land would deny H custody when he fights for it unless there's some horrible abuse going on OP hasn't mentioned.

The time to have made this declaration was BEFORE she started doing it!!

I understand that. However, the ILs DS could also have a ‘small’ slice of his own inheritance, he shouldn’t have to be excluded entirely. It’s seems a form of punishment not to give him anything just because he re-married. He and OP are obviously not rolling in it already as they can’t afford the expensive hobby for OPs daughter. So being left a slice to make him more comfortable would be nice and show they care for him, and hurtful otherwise.

I read your other thread and it seems that your DSD feels sad that her dad is living with another random girl, and DSD is never allowed to spend time alone with her sister without her step sister being there. Are they the same age?

I think MIL feels DSD has been pushed out (you use the quote "our nuclear family to describe DD1 & 2), that's why she's leaving her inheritance to her GC because she doesnt trust you

OP wants these things for her eldest. She wants eldest included by her MIL like she's a bio grandchild and MIL doesn't see her that way. She wants her child included whenever her SD and her youngest do anything. MIL isn't going to pay for eldest extracurriculars and she and her husband can't afford it. SD also doesn't see eldest as family, she likely sees them as dad's wife and dad's wife's daughter.

NOw she's divorcing because her husband's family isn't paying for her eldest's way and including her like OP and her eldest want. They can't control how her husband's family feels. If OP and her husband do divorce, eldest will likely never see MIL again and possibly SD too. There are not permanent family bonds there. It seems like OP possibly thought that marriage would make that happen and has found differently.

This entire situation is a mess. What came across strongly on the other thread was that you don’t like your SD. You seem angry that she isn’t delighted by the presence of your 9 year old. Whereas her reality is that her dad is living with another girl. That girl not having her father in her life may well heighten the “that’s my daddy” instinct.

If she hadn’t seen her dad in 3 weeks she was entitled to catch-up with him without your DD there without being “jumped on”.

You have a choice when it comes to your two DDs 1) you turn down all trips, hobbies etc for DD2, or 2) you don’t & explain to DD1 that they are from DD2’s grandmother. It’s far from an ideal situation but it is somewhat & possibly quite largely of your making.

But it’s not even that they are being shit or awful to the dd! They are being kind and polite, they’re just not doing exactly what the op demands and leaving her dd money in their will!

Sorry but I’m struggling to understand what’s actually going on here. You’re posting as if we all know the backstory but I for one have no ideas about the Disney debacle or previous posts.

Is it the mother in law that is treating your stepdaughter and your youngest daughter whom you share with your DH? But refuses to treat your own daughter? Your daughter has become so upset you’ve ended the marriage?

I get that it’s really hard for your daughter to see the unfairness and to be left out of stuff. I feel for her. In an ideal world all the kids would be treated the same but the fact is that she is not related to your husband and his family and they don’t have to treat her the same.

It seems quite extreme to end the marriage over this? Is there no way you can kind of make up the deficit, as in you pay for her to also do the hobby? You don’t talk about the kids ages but can you explain the situation to her and that you get how unfair it all is and you’ll do something with her to try to make up for it but unfortunately that’s how the in laws behave.

It sounds really tough but I can’t Help but feel that ending the marriage seems a bit OTT.

They might not be even rich as such - Disney trip of a lifetime for ageing grandmother to treat her DC, several hundreds a year for DGCs hobby cost several grands, but we aren't necessarily talking about millions here. OP sees them as rich, but it's more likely that she's very poor herself.

DH doesn't seem to be strong willed here, he was bullied into marrying OP, can't put his foot down about girls treatment, so leaving him "a slice" of inheritance would certainly mean that some of it will end up with OP and her DC. She might even demand more for her eldest "to even things out".
It's not punishment, it's a sensible choice to protect DGCs. Who knows, he might get the same level of support as his sisters if OP follows through and divorces him.

How old were step grandkids when they joined family?

What level of treatment are we talking about? Birthday and Christmas gifts and some sweeties? or substantial amounts worth of several grands?
Will you leave you inheritance equally to your biological DGCs and step ones?

Why haven't you explained to your eldest that she won't always be able to do what your youngest and SD do and be with them every time they spend time together? It seems like you try to insert her every time they do something, even when it's going to visit your husband's mother. Your SD has reacted verbally, your MIL has reacted financially. Maybe her funding the activity is a way for them to spend time together without your eldest being there.

So if you think both kids should be treated the same and the younger one shouldn’t do the expensive holiday, or go to Disney with her cousins…. What about the husbands 2 biological children? Should they not be treated both the same? Why should OPs youngest be disadvantaged and miss out on life experiences with her half sister on her dads side, in order for it to seem ‘fair’ for her half sister on her moms side?

Tell me how that’s fair?

This is essentially all OPs fault for proceeding with this marriage, knowing what the family values are, bringing another child into it and putting her older child in this position.

The best thing that OP can do now is to teach her older daughter resilience, teach her that life isn’t always fair and equal, and as a result of the family OP has built around her she needs to understand that her and her sister will forever have different opportunities, experiences and lives.

You made your bed here.

My two children (different dads) are treated equally because the money is OURS so as a couple we control it.

I would never have married someone who relied on his parents to fund the lifestyle of his child(ren) because it was always going to be a bone of contention. You’re completely at their mercy. They aren’t unkind but they are within their rights to favour their biological grandchildren. Your stepdaughter in particular seems to have a lot of resentment for you and your daughter, so of course they’re going to support her and try to help her with those feelings, which I assume centre around your daughter ‘stealing’ her dad. Her family are doing what they feel is necessary to redress the balance which swings towards your daughter in terms of your husband’s time and attention, by trying to make up for it in other ways.