Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

What's your question OP?

No idea what my question is. I have even removed the poll.

I am a complete cliché aren’t I?

I get that you’re upset that your elder daughter has no contact with her father and his family. That’s hard for you both. I think you should try to hold that separate to your younger daughter’s relationship with her father/your husband’s wider family, though.

I don’t know what I will say to my eldest.

Another cliché husband actually, physically had his head in his hands before he went to work on a Saturday that he didn’t have to.

Your mother in law is a cunt.

She wants a holiday with her grandchildren. You either accept or don’t for your shared. But you cannot force her to take your child.

You cannot force others to take on your child just because her family is shit and your husband accepted her. They didn’t agree.

If she did take your if you paid for her would that actually make anything better? Knowing she’s an unwanted add on.

If you don’t let the youngest go expect her to be aware of the fact she was invited with her sibling, cousins and granny and you said no.

Does MIL have other step grandchildren (cousin's step siblings) or is your eldest the only one?

Just tell her no, she isn't allowed to take your kids away without you, and you can't use annual leave to go on a holiday that doesn't include your whole family.

I wouldn't say a cliché, but it's come up a few times that I've seen.
You won't change her mind, and even if you did, I'd worry about unequal treatment while away, so you've only got two options really. You let youngest go or you don't.
I assume from your post that you couldn't afford a holiday there yourself with both girls (no shame in that at all).

I don’t think I understand this. I was a step child. I wouldn’t have expected or even wanted to go on holiday with my stepparents family. Your eldest isn’t their grandchild.

Do your family have contact with eldest? Would you expect your parents to take your DSD away with them if they were planning to take their DGC away?

I think that’s appalling. I have 3 kids, 2 by my first spouse and 1 by my second. The second marriage is also over now but when we were together, my ex’s family treated my older 2 just the same as the younger one (their grandchild). Anything else is just not ok in my view and it would have made my relationship with my in-laws very strained if they had so overtly distinguished between “our grandchild” and “not our grandchildren”. Fortunately the issue never arose.

I wouldn’t let either of my children go because, as a rule, I will not let my children go abroad without myself as their parent there.

You don’t have to play this her way, OP. You can just say “no thank you” to her offer to take your youngest.

Not you personally but the fact the second marriage of their son is now over they treated his steps as theirs for them to now again not be family.

Is exactly why some families won’t got too familiar with the step family members.

Is she taking the kids without the parents? If so, I don't think she is being unreasonable - taking a child you're not related to abroad is a lot of responsibility. If something happened to her, she would have to take the decisions etc. She isn't unreasonable not to feel comfortable with that.

That is very hurtful and thoughtless (at best) of your mil. Tell her no, she cannot take your children away without you and your daughter.

I don't think any of this is clichéd enough to be a Mumsnet bingo sheet, not that it matters

Well I wouldn't be sending a 5 yo to Disney with at least 3 other kids and one adult who isn't the parent.

So just say no thanks.

As in that other great MN cliche: No is a complete sentence.

However - it would be good to get your Dd used to the idea that in a blended family people have different circumstances and it's OK to not al do the same things at the same time.

Why isn't your husband telling his mother that "all his children (assuming his considered your daughter his step daughter) go, or none of them go?"

If isn't doubt that, he's a useless wimp.

This. “No.” One word.

If she wants an explanation, “how you you propose I explain that her younger sister is going to Disney without her?”.

1. it was their daughter I was married to.
2. we all still see each other and do things together (despite ExW having had an affair and left me for OW)

You don’t have to let the younger one go. What’s your DH opinion? He can’t not have one. If you do that you’re saying the younger one has to miss out on time with her grandma and cousins because she’s got a sister with a different dad but that’s a decision you and her dad can make. These situations are always tricky and the only people who chose it are you and DH. Not the kids, not his family.

I’ve posted this before - my DM’s friend always treated her son’s DSD the same as her bio DGC. There is no way she would have left her out of a holiday she would presumably love. 9 would be prime age to enjoy Disney, judging by mine.

How bloody awful. Personally I would not let the youngest go. Can you imagine how awful that will be within your own household? The 5 year old gets to go to Disney and the 9 year old doesn’t?
Equal well you can’t force the in laws to include your eldest. You can’t control how they behave, but you are absolutely in control of how you respond. I would say thank you, but we can’t possibly have a situation where our youngest gets to go to Disney while her older sister stays at home, so neither will be going.

The wellbeing and integrity of your immediate family is far more important that your PILs’ wish to take all their DGC away. Your DH needs to get his head round that. Your five year old’s wish to go to Disney with her cousins does not override the damage that will be caused to her relationship with her sister. If PIL say anything to the five year old to guilt trip you, your response needs to be very firm.

Tell her naw. Simple. Why are adults so shit to kids.

Agree that your MIL is a cunt.

If your eldest can't go, your youngest can't go either.

Nobody’d be taking my 5 year old to Disney without her parents, especially if also responsible for other kids.

Could not agree more 👏