To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

And not expect partner No 2's family to compensate for her poor choices in partner No 1.

Your mil hasn't accepted you or your daughter as part of 'her' family which is sad. You should have become family when you married her son. Both of you. The fact you didn't and your DH isn't insisting she treats both of you as such is insulting. She doesn't have to pay for anything but she does need to treat them the same.

Because I've had a brain injury, and sometimes it helps me navigate my own thoughts. I was actually meant to delete that part before I posted. Unfortunately, having a brain injury means, my brain doesn't function the same as most other people and my memory is poor.

To be fair women are not responsible for absent fathers. I don’t think it’s up to MIL to step in & act as if she were the paternal grandmother, but neither do I think the Op is responsible for, not only her DD1’s father but his family choosing not to be a part of DD1s life.

Agree with this.

People are quick to say GPs should love step children the same, but it's not always possible.
People can choose how they spend their money.
OP married her DH, the In-laws had no say, so can't expect them to feel a certain way if they're not willing to.

Lots of posts on here telling OPs to leave DHs kids to him and not be "free childcare", yet when it comes to money from the other side, it's suddenly meant to be all equal.

How would he have handled it better? He already treats OP's daughter fairly. He can't force his parents to fund his SD.

We all know if OP's daughter was the privileged one, no way would she be taking away from her to match DH's poorer daughter.

That's all very well but it's not reality is it.

Endless threads about how MILs are such a problem to the wife, but somehow they're expected to love said wife's children like their own?

Must be your city thing.
I know loads of lovely people who grew up riding horses.

Also, loads spoilt or antisocial people who've never riden one.

No, she doesn’t. They aren’t the same.

OP’s MIL has accepted OP’s daughter as part of the family, as an in law. She hasn’t accepted her a grandchild because she isn’t one, any more than OP as her DIL is her daughter.

Nether OP’s husband nor her in laws ‘need’ to do what OP wants. She married her husband knowing that he didn’t consider her daughter his child, and that his family didn’t see her as theirs either. She also knew her stepdaughter doesn’t particularly like her daughter, and resents Op trying to shoehorn her into every occasion.

OP knew full well that she was never going to get the type of blended family she wanted from her husband and his family, yet decided to marry and have another child anyway.

She even knew that he didn't want to marry her. She shared as much on her other thread

They aren't expected to love them - although it's so much better if they can - but as a fully functioning adult they should be able to recognize the issues that will arise if the children are treated differently and act accordingly. In this instance either all three girls are are allowed to access the expensive hobby or none of them are. MIL may not like it but she has to accept it. Being a MIL doesn't give you carte Blanche to do what you want and childrens' feelings should always be prioritized over those of adults.

That was the parent's job and OP entered into the marriage of her own doing.

Fully functioning adults are able to choose how they spend on their grandkids, as they have done.

Not everyone is going to treat the kids the same, even outside of family. The sooner OP teaches her DD that, the better.

It's not on anyone else to provide for her DD or deny others opportunities just because OP can't match it.

The children had no choice as to who their parents or grandparents are or what they can or can't afford though - that's the point. And frankly, anyone who can't imagine how wicked it is to treat children in the same family differently, needs a damn good shaking. It's totally irrelevant what OP, DH, MIL did or didn't do. The situation is as it is and the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.

This, and riding is such a niche activity, the younger dd seems to have experience of it from her dads side of family and her cousins.. @GeorgeClarkefan how much riding has you dd done? Lots that’s how you know she’ll love it? Or is it still anything youngest gets, elder must?

@Thebigarsedbitch The situation is as it is and the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.

But this is just not reality. You have three separate children, all with a their own circumstances.
DD1 has no paternal family involvement, strong maternal family, stepfather who treats her well, step grandparents who are kind but essentially indifferent to her presence (and whose biggest crime towards her seems to be not being willing to open their wallet)
SD has strong mother connection (assuming maternal family but no mention), has a father but doesn’t seem to spend much time with him (doesn’t stay over much, doesn’t appear to be much 1:1 time), resents stepmother and stepsister, strong connection with paternal grandparents who also pay for things for her.
DD2 - lives in nuclear family household, has mother, father and both her maternal and paternal grandparents (paternal pay for things for her)

They are not in the same situation, they will never be in the same situation, so treating them exactly the same is a) not possible and b) disingenuous.

I wonder whether the paternal family knew of the reluctance of DH to marry OP and thus didn’t see the marriage working long term. Many posters are slamming the in laws for not treating DD1 like a grandchild and the reality is, if OP does divorce, the in laws will never (or very very rarely) see DD1 again. I don’t blame them for not emotionally investing in a relationship that they ultimately have no say in. They treated her kindly, that was enough.

Anyone who thinks they can dictate how others spend their money is who needs their head shaking.

The person complaining about the set-up is OP, the person who created the set-up is OP.
Common denominator is where the buck stops.

"the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same."

Not going to happen.

Which is something OP knew when she entered into the relationship, got married and decided to have another child.

How do you think she can force her In-laws to treat her daughter the same?

If she divorces, are they to continue treating the daughter the same as she would now be accustomed to it?

I suspect both MIL and soon-to-be-ex are breathing sighs of relief, now that OP wants a divorce.

YOU are the greedy and grabby one, not them. What are YOU doing to facilitate YOUR daughter's hobbies? Don't earn enough? Therefore, MIL should pay for an unrelated child? How about you get a better job then? Where are your parents - child's actual grandparents? Why aren't they paying? Also no money? Where is the child's bio father? Also, no money/awol? But MIL should pay, sure.

And now two other girls can't have their hobbies, because you don't earn enough to pay for your own kid. They'll resent you badly for this.

To be fair to MIL SD existed before OP met her DH. What MIL does for SD shouldn’t be dictated by a the presence of step child from a subsequent relationship. Also SD has a well off mother, or at least well enough off to pay school fees.

The shared child complicates things because DH wants his youngest to have them same lifestyle as his eldest.

Whatever the case between the two girls on the same household the SD shouldn’t be compared. Think of it from her mother’s point of view. She seems to have primary custody & is solely paying for education. She’s clearly not happy with DH’s contribution so why should she on top of that not be able to take financial help from SD’s grandmother.

It’s all very relevant. OP’s daughter isn’t their grandchild/niece, and their actual grandchild/niece has no interest in considering her a sister, either. Hell, while her stepfather treats her kindly he doesn’t consider her his daughter, either. Because she isn’t.

”the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.”

Evidently not, because that’s not going to happen. They may belong to the same family, but they are not the same.

It obviously can’t be the only way forward if MIL isn’t prepared to do it and husband wants his two girls treated the same.

OP said it herself she doesn’t feel the same way about SD as she does her two children. She says she would treat them the same practically but that’s arguably easy to say in her position when SD is living elsewhere mainly supported by her own mother. Not much is being asked of the OP when it comes to SD.

Given that this is the situation which now exists I think it’s probably best if the youngest one misses out or you fine a way to keep DD1 happy with something else or a distraction.

And if you say your were ok when ILs made it clear pre marriage that they don’t see DD1 as family be ok with it. Thats the decision you made so you can’t now start giving out about birthday presents etc.

I think I would want to make sure that any significant family money stays within the family if I were MIL. I think I’d make more of an effort otherwise but she doesn’t seem likely to change her approach so you have to accept it.

How are you going to achieve that? Does that mean trying to force step grandmother to pay, or does it involve refusing anything for all of them? Because the oldest is still going to have more than the others, isn't she?

If the PIL treated all the children the same it is far less likely that there would be a divorce! I really can't imagine how adults can be so selfish and nasty when children are involved. It's something that would never have happened in my family. If your child married someone with children, those children automatically become part of your family too - whether you like it or not.

People are saying that I am garbled in my contributions and I couldn’t agree more.

I have inherently contradictory opinions only own mind.

I don’t think MiL has an obligation to pay or even include my elder daughter. Obviously when she sees her I expect her to respect her and be kind and give her ice cream and the usual gubbins which she does.

I would never deny my younger daughter an opportunity. Even if that was my intention, her father has an equal say and besides my younger daughter knows her grandmother isn’t her sister’s.

But while I had no malice a forethought thinking I now had a meal ticket for my elder daughter after her father left I could not treat a child the way my MiL treats my elder daughter.

Mh own mother thinks as domestic that I am cutting off my nose to spite my face but I can’t see a way forward. I think my elder daughter won’t have the inequalities rubbed in her face if we are removed from the in-laws.

I am heartbroken about potentially not seeing my younger daughter 100% of the time but our time together will be positive.

In our home my girls are treated equally.

My MiL isn’t particularly wealthy either. I could not have predicted how she is choosing to spend her money bringing the differences between the girls into a sharper focus.

I am seeing my husband tomorrow when he is collecting our daughter. He is with his mother and he has told our daughter that grandma needs help with something and that’s why he is not at home.

Only time will tell how this is going to impact on my children.

The situation is as it is and the only way forward is for all three girls to be treated exactly the same.

The 3 girls are part of a larger extended family but split off into various groupings because they don't share all the same parents. They have different parental and relative permutations so you can't impose on unrelated people that they treat all 3 the same.

If OP goes through and divorces her husband, her husband as a bio and legal parent, is entitled to custody time with the youngest they share. His mother and relatives and oldest daughter likely won't see OP's oldest as there's already been some noise and pushback that she is always there when they'd like to spend time with the youngest. It appears that they really don't care about seeing her and OP isn't replacing that time with doing something with her eldest herself. They twiddle their thumbs, according to her. OP doesn't do the work to occupy her eldest with other things and other people. SD isn't there to entertain or watch OP's eldest, she's there to spend time with her little sister and her dad. OP's going to have to figure out something to occupy eldest with during youngest's paternal custody time.

You still haven't actually said why you are intent in splitting up your family?

The 3 children and your DH... have done absolutely nothing wrong. You have just decided to further break the family apart even though the events with MIL will now continue. It doesn't make any sense.

Is there something else going on in your marriage?