To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

I more meant inheritance by big money.

How will leaving the situation protect her eldest? Her eldest now has a half sister, who will always have difference life experiences and opportunities? All leaving will do, is take away, what sounds to have been, a pretty good father figure in her life. A man who treats her as his own, even if his family don’t.

OP needs to teach her daughter that fair, isn’t always fair to everyone. Life isn’t always equal. She needs to teach her resilience.

Divorce is the right option for OP because 'D'H could then do as he pleased for HIS girls. It's clear that resentment exists and is growing for both of them. OP is trying to manage her two children who live under different circumstances, under the same roof. DH is trying to manage his two children who live under different circumstances, under different roofs. The OPs eldest child will face her disadvantages more directly, more frequently. It's not just a hobby for OP, it's likely that she cannot willingly put her kid through another (weekly) reminder that she's poorer than her sister. The DH doesn't have these concerns, mostly because his eldest DD is richer (via her mum), but his youngest DD doesn't have to experience feeling like the poorer relative because she doesn't live with her sister and her dad's family give her a good life.

OP's goals are not the same as her husband's.
It was a mess from the start, made worse by their weaker financial circumstance. OP is the sole advocate for her eldest child's wellbeing, against a family who want to draw thick lines between their blood vs not blood. The couple will always be at odds with each other, best they start considering that they aren't compatible. Maybe compromises can be made.

Youngest DD is caught in the crossfire and it's everyone's fault. She'll definitely be affected emotionally as she matures to understand it all.

The ex wife is the one living with less headache/concerns it seems. The luckiest of the bunch.

She’s just 9 yo though. It’s heartbreaking for her. I couldn’t do what you suggested. I’d have to shield her, somehow, from being left-out.

If I didn’t leave, I’d definitely get a second job to fund these luxuries for her.

I can’t have one child doing stuff, meeting other kids as a result, being invited to things when the other child does just one afterschool club.

Your eldest is what, 10? Your youngest is 5. Your eldest isn't going to be invited to things with 5 year olds. There's an age gap as well as a privilege gap and you can't just force your eldest into your youngest's social life. She has to develop her peer group independently of her sister. You're thinking this is your youngest's job and it's just not.

My stepdaughter doesn’t live with us.

And when she's around, you expect your eldest to be there. Have you ever thought about giving SD and her little sister and your husband their own time? Or giving your MIL time with her youngest granddaughter without your eldest around? Again, your SD is 14 or 15 so another age gap and she's not there to spend time with your eldest. She's wanting to see her little sister without dad's wife and daughter there constantly.

My MiL is actively getting rid of money but husband isn’t getting any just his sisters.

And now you're filing for divorce. There's no money to split in the foreseeable future and he's resentful that he's been disinherited and bypassed.

He says that he has been disadvantaged in relation to inheritance etc because he has a stepchild and not once asked to divorce but I now have, over a hobby.

Is your mother leaving your stepdaughter money? Does she see your stepdaughter on the same level as her bio grandchildren?

he feels that rather than have one advantaged I want both disadvantaged.

It seems like you actually want your eldest to have everything your youngest does but given the realities involved, that's unreasonable. But if you pull your youngest out of lessons to placate your eldest, yes, you would be depriving her to soothe the jealousy of your eldest.

Elder one is completely distraught and my life is not worth living.

So she's making the home and you miserable because she can't do the same activity. She feels entitled and jealous and I think you've fed that by not being very clear about the financial facts and her expectations. Youngest gets a gift from her dad's relatives. That's it.

What do you think your eldest is going to do when your youngest leaves to go for her custody time with her dad?

is your mother leaving your stepdaughter money? Does she see your stepdaughter on the same level as her bio grandchildren?
a very pertinent question! @GeorgeClarkefan if your mum won the lottery would she give your sd the same as you dd?

You said your stepdaughter and younger daughter receive advantages that you cant afford for your older daughter.

NO. Just NO. How have you created this ghastly situation? Your poor older daughter - this is grossly unfair and you need to equalise things. I will not say what I truly think about your parenting.

Your mother needs to get a fucking grip.

Well done for prioritising your eldest child......the household set up sounds extremely damaging for her.

I don't think OP will come back to this thread.

This thread didn't validate her as she expected so she stopped engaging.

And I doubt she'll divorce - I think she tried to blackmail DH with divorce threat and didn't expect him to agree. She'll try to mend things. Unfortunately for DH and his daughters.

So if 10 year old gets invited to bowling party, it’s a no unless her 5 yo sis gets to go too?

Why is it cruel?

Your husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, you have a daughter from a previous relationship and a joint daughter. Your in-laws are paying for extra activities for your step-daughter and your youngest daughter but not your eldest daughter.

@Sassylovesbooks Why are you telling the OP what she's just told us?

And if the DHs other daughter gets to do horse riding (as an example, we don’t know) it’s a no for her younger half sister, unless her 10 yr old half sister gets to go to? Why is everything having to balance in OPs eldest’s favour?

This is such a complete drama, of the OPs own making, and both of her children are caught in the middle because she entered into this marriage not preparing for and properly nurturing the fractured relations a ‘blended’ family brings. There’s always going to be issues with blended families, they rarely work (and I say this as a child of one, with a child in one, and knowing a lot of families who have chosen to go down this route.)

I am not sure what prompted you to post such lunacy, @PoppinjayPolly but you’ve shown that you have no understanding of the nature of the situation

Why is that lunacy?

This. You chose your situation and it doesn’t mean that everyone else needs to just accept it like how you want it.
your eldest isn’t her GC- so why should she pay for extras like this??

I think OP's marriage is failing. It's been 5 years, she hasn't gotten the financial support from his family for her eldest that she wanted, and there's escalating behaviour from her eldest and other step issues. Maybe the divorce is a last ditch attempt to get him to pressure his family into financial assistance for her eldest, but he's already been bypassed and left out of gifted monies. They're playing hardball and it sounds like they won't miss her. She'll be the bigger loser because right now, she has a husband who treats her eldest well. If she divorces, her eldest will lose that connection. Like I said, eldest will not be happy when her younger sister goes to Dad's for custody time if she is having meltdowns over her sister just doing an activity.

I’d definitely get a second job to fund these luxuries for her.

This doesn't seem to be OP's mindset at all. Read her Disney thread:

Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo | Mumsnet

"Those saying I could take eldest somewhere for a trip. Last month I was overdrawn and husband had £42 left, which he gave me to go for dinner with my friend. We do have savings but in long term accounts."

She seems to be happy to take the last £42 to go for dinner with her friend. This is all so dysfunctional.

I think the expectation that everything should be equal in a blended family is settling yourselves up for disaster.

I was the eldest daughter in this scenario and I always understood that my siblings family and my family were not exactly the same. My siblings would often spend time with their grandparents without me because… they weren’t my grandparents!

Its up to you to set the tone of these interactions for your daughter’s understanding and benefit. If you jump up and down at things not being equal you are only reinforcing that for her.

I laughed at your “twiddling our thumbs” comment. Are you unable to plan something for just the two of you? I would have taken the opportunity to take your eldest out for a hot chocolate and some one on one time together. But you made an issue out of it and sat at home and sulked.

I was also slack jawed at the fact that the husband hadn’t wanted to get married, but that Op was pregnant and so Op insisted on it. I mean, yes get married first and get the legal protection (wish I had), but alongside everything else it feels… off. It also feels like there are some fundamental incompatibilities around values and approach to blending the families, which should absolutely have been resolved prior to deciding to have a child together.

There’s no way of equalizing things. The circumstances of her daughters were never going to be equal, and it isn’t within OP’s power to change that.

It’s not the fault of her in laws, or her youngest daughter, that her eldest daughter doesn’t have a wealthy and/or engaged paternal family. It’s not their responsibility to compensate her for that. Her husband isn’t going to deny his child a relationship with his family, or the same opportunities as her sister, because OP’s daughter cannot have the same. Leaving her husband won’t change the fact that only one of her daughters has an engaged paternal family that will financially provide for her.

This is all such solid insight, and I was also the eldest daughter in a similar ‘blended’ family set up.

OP you have not managed this well. I grew up knowing there were differences in how I was raised, it was never news because it was normal. My half sibling met cousins, aunts,, uncles, went to events etc without me, because they were her family. I see them rarely now as an adult, she sees them all the time. It’s completely normal.

As said above, why were you at home twiddling your thumbs? Why not take that opportunity to spend 1 on 1 time with your daughter, which I’m sure must be a rare opportunity, and do something lovely? Why make such a big deal out of it?

If your youngest is off to horse riding or whatever every week, set that day for a regular activity with your eldest? A walk in the park, a swim in the local pool, 9 holes of golf, hyrox, baking, movie night, whatever!

I really fear that you’re the biggest problem in this situation. You’re unable to effectively parent and support the child you put in this situation.

God what a horrible situation to put a child in. I don’t understand why some people have to have children with every potential partner who comes along. Selfish and irresponsible. Now you’ve created this situation you need to take some responsibility for managing it and parenting effectively to offset the potential damage as others have said.

All the ops madness and that’s what you identify as lunacy?

The differences are still going to be there in your elder daughter's life, regardless if you divorce or not. I'd assume that your younger daughter would still live with your OP, if you divorced? Your youngest is still going to share with you and your eldest all the things she does whilst with her Dad? Would you be expecting your husband to have contact time with your eldest, and take her with your youngest too?

In an ideal world your in-laws would treat your eldest daughter as their granddaughter but that's not reality. It's not your in-laws fault that your elder daughter's Dad and family aren't in her life.... that's just circumstances.

Those differences would have been obvious before you married your husband and before you both decided to have a child together.

How old is your eldest daughter? I'm guessing old enough to have an honest conversation with her? You need to prepare her for these differences. Your in-laws may help your younger through university/pay a deposit on a property and eventually she may inherit from her grandparents etc. You can't hid these realities from your eldest daughter. Of course, it's not fair on your eldest, but it's equally not your youngest daughter's fault either. She shouldn't be disadvantaged, to save your eldest from being hurt.

You would be far better to help your daughter navigate these differences, which will still exist regardless if you divorce or not.